Pearls

Pilot

I woke up one fine morning, as the birds chirped and the light voices in my household gradually woke me out of my reverie. It was the cliche feeling of 'living-in-the-moment' as I got out of my one mattress bed and walked my way to the bathroom.

At exactly 8:20 am, I left for the bus station only to realise that I had missed the school bus, on the first day of Eighth grade! This should have birthed a wave of pessimism for the rest of my day, but I was still living in the aforementioned moment, and I quickly went back to my house and asked my father to drive me to school. On the way to school, I wanted to go back home and expected nothing good from this first day of school. My dad very kindly wished me a happy first day of eighth grade and I smiled while on the inside I wished to go back home.

Climbing all the five flight of stairs was soul-sucking which is why I ended up bumping into Dani and Sana. A quick salutation led us all to realise we were walking the same way. We were in the same class and all the butterflies fled my stomach at the sense of familiarity. I walked into the classroom and did not notice any one but my friends and our seating spot. As a middle schooler, nothing could have been more important that choosing a bloody seating spot, and luckily for me, I was friends with the popular kids. We got to sit wherever we wished and people would get up and clear the area. They ended up choosing the back benches and the morning felt way better than I had expected.

We cracked way too many jokes till the afternoon and everyone wanted to sit beside us during lunch. It felt like I was finally living the dream, but that's the thing about dreams, only hope brings them to life. I had been so transfixed on boys the grade before this that I had lost my identity in that process. I had grown uncomfortable in my own body and that day felt like I was taking a fresh and renewed breath in my new life.

You know when you dream about your prince charming as a little girl? I think that this was what I had pictured him to be back as a 13-14 year old girl. I believed that we would share a connection that was so strong no amount of distance or people could break us apart. So when I saw him for the first time, I instantly hoped that he would be my prince charming. That we were special, but that's what all first time couples think, right? I wish I hadn't believed this sentence when I came across it for the first time and I hope no one believes that first-time couples are cringe.

He looked gorgeous, multi-talented and popular at school. I just knew that every girl had a crush on him, since I was a part of the popular clique myself and we would know all the pieces of gossip. Actually, I was a new addition to the team because I had decided to adopt a no-bullshit attitude that these 'awesome' kids loved, but in reality I believed it to be a gift from the onset of puberty and adolescence. I don't believe that anymore because I still am her in more ways than one even though I am at the last year of being a teenager. I still only like guys that seem almost forbidden. The kind of guys that I am not good enough for and the kind that could definitely do much better. We accept the love we think we deserve, but this never worked for me. I never accept the love I think I deserve, only the ones that I don't.

I would always stare at him from afar, and wished that he would also like me. Of course, this would not blend with my grunge-like attitude so I kept my feelings only between my diary and I, also my brother who I later found out would read my diary but wouldn't understand anything because it was all coded language. Anyways, a whole month passed by and I kept my silly crush to myself hoping that something would crackle a spark between him and I. My bond with my friends- Dani, Sana and Evelyn had developed so much we were popular than ever. Yet I couldn't attract Rohan and felt like a total loser.

Nothing could have made me feel worse than finding out about Evelyn and Rohan's relationship. They were a thing of the past but I could tell he was still into her, owing to his stares and admiration for her. At that point, there was a weird diagram going around, where I yearned for him and he in turn wanted Evelyn. It made sense though, because Evelyn was the captain of the track team and extremely popular. She was a literal rose and they had had a relationship together albeit in the past. I was just a sunflower in many ways. Desperation reeked off of me and I clung onto the whole no-bullshit attitude so dearly afraid that my life will never be a rose. I actually believed that I was never going to be good enough as a kid, then as a teen it was the same story all over.

In more way than one, I am cent per cent sure that I manifested that relationship or attraction between him and I. How else could you explain my relationship and friendship co-existing beautifully at the same time? It was too good to be true, believe me.