Healing is not linear.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of this fact.
Oftentimes I find myself frustrated with still being stuck in the past.
It’s been 6 months.
I curl up on the floor crying a lot.
Some days I feel unable to move,
With this inexplicable pain that makes me feel empty on the inside
Like a crushing hole where my heart should be,
Ripped out.
Lying in an absolute mess,
Filthy and unkempt,
Until one day I gather the energy to pick myself back up again.
I’ve been with several newer people since.
I’ve moved on, but the trauma still lingers.
I made a character long ago,
During the time I was taking care of my terminally ill grandmother.
It was such a dark time and I was so isolated.
I created Smiley Patch out of a feeling.
Her heart was ripped out brutally by an ex-lover,
So she had to slap smiley-face patches over it
As if covering up her gaping hole with fake smiles,
Being forced to pretend to be okay despite being crushed on the inside.
Some weeks I cry every day and some weeks only some days.
It varies but I’m somehow still alive.
To be honest,
I can’t see a future where I can open my heart again,
Where there won’t be this lingering feeling in the back of my head,
Where I won’t feel worthless and like the whole world is against me.
Maybe I’ll get to that day one day.
Being dehumanized for my mental illness by one person I’m supposed to trust hurts enough.
Being mocked and humiliated by several strangers makes me feel like I shouldn’t even exist.
But I have to hold onto what matters to me and what is important to me.
My mission in life was always to help people.
I have a creative spirit.
My goal was to use my stories, books, comics, music, games, and other things I wish to create, to open people’s minds.
I wanted to spread messages of things society didn’t understand.
