Searching for Sophia

"With your heart of stone."

-Sophia-

I sometimes feel, that the best way to eradicate an epidemic of pain, is to embrace it with open arms. It's almost as if my life was just someone's easy decision. An ugly past, an ugly present, and an ugly future - set in stone, carved into fate. Yet even so, I continue to get this constant onslaught of pain, which no matter how welcoming I am to it, it simply never goes away.

Today was no exception to this onslaught.

Leaving home, it felt as if I'd left something behind. Not my lunch, or P.E. kit, but my heart. Yet this isn't new, as my heart was long gone - years before today. I opened the door, to be met by Arthur's Seat, towering menacingly in the refreshing, early morning, September sun. I wanted to run to it, and climb to the top, and scream until my lungs burst.

I hadn't been there since my mother died, a year today. I can easily remember those glorious days when I still had a trace of light in my life, when my mother, father and I used to climb to the top, and watch the beautiful city laid before us. I remember my mother's auburn hair rippling in the wind, her beauty intoxicating any passers by. I can remember the pride bursting through my heart, as she stood, her purity radiating from her face.

But when I see Arthur's Seat now, it's as if it's another shadow, a part of my old life, which passed from the moment my mother was taken from me. Maybe even before then, that day, almost two years ago, which haunts my past. I shuddered, my hands shaking.

"Come on Sophia, move." I whispered shakily to myself. I pulled out my iPod touch and plugged in my headphones. I set it to blast Linkin Park through my ears.

"Forgetting what I've done, I'll erase myself..."

***

I'd been at the bus stop for around five minutes, the usual goons were there. I could feel Logan's gaze burning longingly into my face, but I refused to meet his. Like Arthur's Seat, Logan was a shadow of my old life, something that I wanted to forget - that I had to forget...

-Flashback-

(Sophia & Logan are both eight years old)

"You can't catch me Sophia!" Logan giggled. He was perched on the branch of a withered pear tree. 

"Hey that's no fair, you're too high up, stupid." I replied laughing. 

"Hey! You're stupid. Fine I'm coming down.... Ouch!"  

"Logan, are you okay?" I cried, running to him. "Why did you jump from that hight you silly boy?"  

"My... Arm, I think it's broken!' He wailed. 

"No it isn't!" I gasped, worried layered in my tone. He was curled up on the earthy ground. I put my arm around him and pulled him closer. 

"Just kidding..." He tailed off. His eyes met mine, and he grabbed a strand of my dark hair and began to play with it. A tiny blush bloomed in the contours of his young and innocent face. His babyish curls tickled the top of his eyebrows in a cute fashion. 

"Sophia... You're really pretty..." But I was distracted. 

"JUST KIDDING? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU LOGAN MACGREENE!"

-end of flashback-

I had to stop thinking of the past! This memory was a happy one, and one strict lesson which I'd learnt time and time again was - happiness is the cause of pain. I've got enough pain already, do I really need anymore?

I suddenly felt that peculiar sensation when someone was looking at you. And I could sense that this time it wasn't Logan. I looked up, totally unprepared for what I saw next.

My heart began to beat uncontrollably, when my eyes met with those of a boy I'd never seen before. He was unusually beautiful.

He had tousled, dirt blonde hair, which looked as if it had never been in contact with a brush, and had had a hand run through it several times. He had, what looked like very soft warm coloured skin, which was set again his strong jaw bone. He had what would of been an awkwardly tall frame, if it hadn't been for the fact he was pretty well built. He wasn't monstrous like Jay, yet he wasn't lanky like Logan. His school shirt accentuated his toned torso, the sleeves constricting against his bicep. The shirt wasn't completely buttoned up, and his tie hung loosely around his neck, alongside a beaded necklace, giving him an unruly, carefree look.

I violently snapped back to reality. Why was this boy different? Why was he any different to Jay or any of the other boys at Hillsworth? It made me angry, how dare he stir emotion in me. I despise emotion, and I've had it by the bucket load already today. I broke away from his never ending gaze, and strode towards the bus, that had arrived in the meantime. I paused by him, and turned so we were face to face. He'd closed his eyes for no apparent reason, then suddenly opened them. I was nearly caught off guard again. His eyes were greyer than a storm in the Isle of Skye, they were so different. It was almost as if he was yelling desperately at me through his eyes. I finally managed to say,

"What are you staring at?" There was a dramatic pause, as everyone awaited the boy's reaction. He looked at me, with an almost stunned expression, which suddenly began to turn to one of anger, hatred. It made his features seem suddenly unattractive, not physically, but emotionally. Yet I could still see some kind of battle playing out behind his eyes, one which I couldn't decipher.

Then I felt my body being thrown into the brick wall.

Pain coursed through me, and I reached for it desperately. I wanted to scream but no sound came out. Memories flushed into my mind, of a something that happened to me two years ago, something that changed everything...

"Don't you ever fucking talk to me like that again, bitch. You'd better watch your step, I would if I were you." His voice was like steel being smelted inside a furnace. He smelt of fresh air, freedom and dreams. Yet here he was, glaring at me with a look of passionate hatred. He dropped me without a second glance, and strolled over to the bus. I heard Chloe's voice congratulate him, causing another jab of agony. When everybody was on the bus, I slumped to the ground, sobbing silently.  

I suddenly felt someone's presence, and I looked up to see the sorrowful green eyes of Logan Macgreene. 

"Come on." He whispered softly. "The bus won't wait much longer." He held out his hand. I stared at his outstretched palm, desperately wanting to feel his warm skin against mine.  

But my surrounding walls would collapse if I let my guard down, even once. I pulled myself up, with great effort. And paused to stare emotionlessly at him.

The sun slipped behind the cloud as I got onto the bus.