I've seen a lot of surviving faces.
I've seen tearful eyes of a lass turned into a sweet sight after some time. I've cancer patients who lived for another five or six or even 10 years. I've seen how a broken family have reunited their way back to each other. I've seen how a poor individual paved its route to success. I've seen how a drug-addict testimonied the break-through in its life.
I've seen it all.
I am survivor too, a lifeless survivor.
I lost my life long time ago when a mixture of thunder,lightning and rain poured over. And until now, I've never seen the rainbow painted on a clear blue sky indicating that it's all over.
I tried to stretch the muscles on my face and cheered up myself. I tried to seek help regarding my behaviour. I tried. But it's all futile. Or maybe, I should have tried harder. I should have strived more to fix the shattered pieces, to feel the blazing white light into my skin again.
I'm a foolish. I let pain to be the center of my life. I just let it eat me slowly, suck the life out of me until I am nothing but a wreck. Or maybe, to describe me as a wreck is already too much, because I know, deep inside, I am nothing.
I cannot blame him. I just cant. Yes, he left me. But who wont leave a clingy-annoying-demanding-hard-to-understand girlfriend?
I brushed the tears away as I myself drown again into my infinity pool of insecurities.
He is way perfect. He made the right decision. He is a sweet,adorable,loving guy. But I pushed him to his limits. And I made him leave.
I am not selfish after all.
But everytime destiny interferes, my heart gets broken all over again.
Those innocent pair of eyes tells otherwise everytime it meets my bloodshot ones. Those red lips that are tight pressed together supressing the anger everytime. And the way he wrinkles his nose telling me how irritated he was by my mere presence.
And I can do nothing but turn my back and walk away, my expertise.
I loved him way too hard. I loved him that he took all the love I have when he left. But i just loved him.
"I love you, why can't you trust me?"
The words are uttered by his sweet lips years ago, and yet it only seems yesterday. The ringing and sting of each word never faltered through each day.
To love hard is never enough, it needs every amount of trust to surpass the struggles and shortcomings.
I loved him so much but I didnt trust him hard. I believed all the lies of the world. And I thought I made the right decision.
But I didnt, I just made the decision the killed the sweet and happy me.
Maybe, in another time, or another world, I wont just see things. I would experience it.
And when that happens, it's probably the time of my life.
