Thoughts

Goodmorning

Goodmorning, woke up and went for a run. Haven't  gone for a morning runs for a while, now feels like the perfect time. Leave my house and start my run  forcing on my breathing and moving forward. Whiles jamming to An interesting day playlist I realised that as long as I focus on 2 things and make sure those are complete before moving on. But even whiles thinking this got flashes of my week and In the moment it hit me. It's the feeling that I don't like, as I've spent most of my life so far either  avoiding my feelings by just switching the off by forcing on 5 things at once. Or I accept 25% of my feelings just so I can feel a little bit of empathy for others instead of myself. By doing this I've allowed myself to feel for other and not for myself. I get upset for others and feel as if I'm a reflection of them. But when I look at myself I see nothing and feel nothing, it's as if I'm only a reflection of others and not of myself. I go back to just focusing on running and breathing it's fucking cold. If I'm freezing that's a sign I can feel. Oh of course I can feel as I am a reflection of other humans emotions. So, my can't I handle my own emotions. Why is it my experience with emotions has to make me feel numb or dead. Saying that numb and death are the same right. I don't know what I'm trying to say just where I am going with this.
Whiles getting to my front door I realised it's not that I don't trust or want to share with others. I don't trust myself to be the person I want to be as I know I'm no Hero nor am I a villian just a soul in this body to live and then over and over again.

Just because you may understand doesn't make it easier. In my opinion it makes it twice as hard, knowing that the only way to deal with your emotions is to get through it. Not saying I can't do it, just finding it hard not to deal with my feeling in my old way. I'll admit whenever I felt like shit, I'll cut my left wrist. If I feel sick I'll shake my legs and  rock as the movement helped me calm down and breath. If I felt alone I'll right and sing yes that is a good thing but that would just remind me that I'm just singing and dancing in a room on my own. So, got to the point I'll go out to next mans house. Despite the conversation being boring and the thought of them just makes me want to grab a knife, slit their throat and sit and watch whiles the blood pours out of them. Instead I'll shake my head to get that thought out, grab a bottle and back that instead. Making sure that I feel numb so I don't feel their skin on mine. As they enjoy the intimacy I just float off in my head wishes I was dead as this ain't want I want or need just its the closest I'll get to feeling less alone. I do try and form an conversation with the guy but know better than to lie and see him as the guy. Might as well give him want he wants and in that moment I can at least forget  about my own problems. Once its over I'll get up have a shower, get ready and make way to leave. Then here he comes saying what they all say " I like your vibe, never met a woman who will actually listen to a guy and actually push him and not nothing more from him to be happy in himself" as always I smile and reply " Do what's best for you and more blessing to you" then I leave. Whiles making my way home receive message saying how he wanted me to stay and when we will next meet. Forgetting that I make my own rules, finally I'm home run myself a bath whiles I wait I sit on the floor crying. Holding myself so tight I slowly start to feel less alone and regart what I just did as once again but no point complaing as whats done is done. Bath now run I get in sink my whole body down hoping to drown, even just writing that I feel like a clown. Yh obviously I come back up and look around candles burnt out and my house pitch black I scream "Why guides, why give me sight if all I see is pain" no response obviously as I'm just chatting to myself. I always have been just calling out guides helps shift blame, crazy that we need to always blame others and never take ownership.
In that moment I realise only I can change the way I play the game.

Now , wow what do you think when you hear my name. Not everyone's opinion is the same. Once I was called demon because I tell to many stories and never know which one is the truth. Another I time I was told I was a chameleon
Because they saw me change so many times in one day blending in with whatever was needed in the room. Others say I'm shy and don't really say much kinda boring and always in locked up at home loves being on their own. Jokes as in that same breath they have also send how I'm the life of the party, hype man the entertainment that everyone needs and how they could see me on TV . Interesting as all this is ME I've accepted these parts although I haven't accepted the otherside as I don't really