Jupiter Rain

Chapter 1

I borrowed "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne from my brother. I was in a phase where I would do anything to get what I wanted. To make it simple, I wanted to get into medical school, and this was my 3rd attempt. I could give a plenty of reasons on why I wasn't able to crack the exam in my first attempt, but it won't make any sense. It's all because of me. I made my parents spend lots and lots of money for every attempt and even now I don't feel guilty about it. Because that was the only choice in front of me. No other course or job interested me. That's the only explanation I have when people ask me why I'm obsessed with this.

Woah, I keep losing track of what I was saying.

 Anyway, my goal was to crack the exam this time. I learnt the power of manifestation from 'The Secret' and started using it to achieve what I want. I tried really hard. All my days I spent studying, reviewing, solving questions, giving mocks, and so on. For 2 years, my neighbors didn't know my existence in the house. I had contacts with very few friends, regular contacts with none. I became a loner. I had a hard time concentrating while studying, I felt numb, yet didn't stop. I knew I was working hard but deep inside I knew this wasn't enough to get to my dream. After reviewing my mistakes, i simply concluded that I wasn't working enough, blamed myself, threw tantrums and went on putting long hours of effort. Manifestations went on, vison boards were made, prepared timetables for each day, filled notepads with good words for me, forced myself to love myself. All of this for one thing, I didn't want anyone to tell me later that I didn't work hard enough. Above all, I didn't want to believe that I wasted the past 4 years. It wasn't true but I didn't want fears to get hold of me.

Months passed, struggles went on, hard work on and on, so did I.

I gave my 3rd and final attempt on September 13th, 2021

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I tried to ignore all other feelings except confidence. But the others were having a war inside me. I think I did a good job because there was not any outburst that day. Right after giving my exam, I knew I wasn't satisfied, again. I came out of the hall, found my mother waiting outside the examination center and we started walking. On the way she asked me how the exam went. Just like every other time, I replied "It was okay", only I knew it wasn't. Maybe it was, but again, didn't reach up to my satisfactory levels.

I knew there wasn't any point in pondering over it again and again. I took deep breaths and started manifesting the best.

I reached home and started calculating my marks. I checked. Rechecked. And checked again.

526/720.

Damn.

 Wow. Obviously, I scored better than last year, but...

Deep breaths again. My inner voice screamed: DON'T. Before you start blaming yourself, be grateful for what you got

Alright. Deep breaths again. Thank you. I brushed my hands around my body, shoulders, torso, face and belly, just to thank myself for staying strong so far.

More than anything, I was feeling relieved, or relief was the only emotion I let others see. I was relieved because it's all over now. I gave my final attempt and here we are.

But after giving my everything for this exam, now I am feeling numb. I do not want to do anything. I just want to lie on my bed and sleep for days. Thanks to myself, I could not sleep right away. I was too excited I guess... to get back on my phone for I have not been socially active for the past few years. I started reinstalling all the apps again: Instagram, snapchat, Netflix, Pinterest and so on...

But the excitement didn't last long. All the feelings that I buried started creeping inside slowly. I knew this was going to happen, but I'm still surprised that I wasn't shaken. Maybe because I was prepared for this.

My daily manifestations continued...

During my preparation time, I made myself believe that I'm going to fetch a perfect score.

I knew I was capable of it. But alongside I planted doubts and fears. All the 'what ifs' took a position at the back of my head.

In the act of manifesting what I want, did I manifest what I didn't want?