Belonging to the Streets

Cold Nights

I toss and turn under the thin sheets. It's not that I'm too cold, or too hot, or the haunting past. It's because my mind won't stop thinking about nothing. With a heavy sigh, I get up and grab my MP3 player along with my wired earbuds. I connect the headphones to the tiny and thin device. I quietly step outside through the kitchen door. I turn on some music and sit down in the middle of the yard. I look up towards the starry sky. The stars have painted tonight's picture. I see myself. In James' arms. I wish it was real. I reach out my hand to the sky.

Only to retract it back down to Earth. I can't have him. Not only will it hurt me, but him as well. I'm a black sheep, a black cat. I'm the embodiment of bad luck, pain, sadness, torture, trauma. Anything that can break even the strongest person. I can't hurt James so my heart can be satisfied. Which means I can't stay. I don't know why I even agreed to. Maybe it was because my heart was the one making decisions at the time. Or Mom- no, Sophie's soft tone, her words dipped in honey and sugar. But I clearly wasn't thinking straight at the moment. I can't believe it took me this long to realize what I'm actually doing.

I stumble up and into the house. I rush to gather everything of mine. I find a couple reusable bags and put my art supplies and clothes into them. I shove the MP3 player into my hoodie pocket and rush out the front door. I don't care that the door slammed. I don't care that I might've woken up everyone inside. All I care about is getting back into the city, getting back onto the streets. I don't deserve a house, or cooked food, or clothes, or love. I used to have all that. And I'm the reason I lost it all. I will not let history repeat itself.

Even though it's the dead of night, there are still plenty of cars speeding down the road. I bet I must look like some girl running away from home. When I'm actually running away from a bad ending, a family that will become doomed if they keep me there any longer. It might seem like I'm being inconsiderate, or rude to them, when I'm actually saving them. But I don't mind if they hate me after this. It's only common to react like that.

Sophie and I were supposed to get me shoes in the morning, since I've just been using hers. My bare feet slam the cold pavement over and over. The pain starts to reach my brain, but I don't care. I don't care if they bleed. I just need to get away from here. Away from another heartbreak.

I don't know how long I've been running, but I eventually end up in my favorite spot. I step into the dark alleyway, pain surging through my body with every step. I stop halfway into the alley, making sure my body is hidden in the shadows. They'll definitely look here first, so I just need to hide as much as I can.

I drop my bags onto the floor and slide down. The ground feels as cold as I remember it. I take out my sketchbook and a pencil. My MP3 player is still playing music. I wonder how long it'll last. Even though I can't see my feet, I try to draw me and James together. It's the only thing that can keep me happy. I need to erase James from my memory, and he needs to do the same with me.

I put down everything in my hands and lean my head back until the wall stops it. I reminisce about the memories I made in that house. Being guided there by James' hand, him healing me, finally taking a shower after years. Meeting Sophie and Daniel, sharing dinner with them. Visiting the mall with Sophie, being able to get what I wished for. It was all so beautiful. Which is why I need to remove it all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up in a panic. I looked around me. I release all the tension in my body. I thought someone was with me. I picked up my sketchbook again and tried to finish the drawing. It was painful to only have a rough sketch as the only remaining memory I can keep. But it's for the better.

I draped a hoodie over my legs to keep them from shivering. I carefully tore the page from the book, folded it up, and hid it underneath all the clothes in my bag. I pulled my knees to my chest. I thought I would be happy being back on the streets. Guess I was wrong. Guess I got too close to people I shouldn't have even met.

The streets aren't busy today. I hear a pounding on the concrete. I look towards the exit and see James. His body frozen right in front of the alleyway. I don't know why, but I shot right up. He looks my way. He starts to walk towards me. I start to gather my stuff. He starts to pick up the pace.

"Birdie!"

I move faster. I toss my bags around my arms and start to run in the opposite direction. Why'd he come after me? I did this for him! And he's getting rid of it all?

"Birdie! Please! Wait!"

I don't hear him. I don't hear him. I can't hear him. He'll make me think I'm making the wrong decision, when it's actually the right one. My bare feet pound onto the cold floor beneath me. I look back, only to James starting to catch up. I start to feel malnourished. I remember I didn't eat yesterday. And now I'm running as fast as I can. Really takes a toll on your body.

I feel a hand quickly wrap around my wrist and pull me back. My body is suddenly engulfed in James' arms and warmth. I melt. I wish to stay like this for all eternity. But then I remember why I ran away, why I was running. I try to break free from James' grasp, but he's determined to keep me in his embrace.

Everything that was in my hands fell to the floor. I give up on trying to escape. But I still nudge his arms so I can at least face him. He spins me around and lifts my chin up to look me in the eyes. I can feel my face start to get hot, but I suppress the feeling down.

"Why'd you run, Birdie?"

My eyes looked everywhere but James' face. His grip on my chin tightened, forcing me to look at him. His eyes were filled with confusion, determination, anger, sadness. Those sky blue eyes of his housed every emotion known to man.

"Because if I stay with you, it'll make the worst of the worst come to life"

James' face softened and his grip on my chin loosened, yet his grip on my waist tightened. He pulls my body in closer and I have no idea on how to react.

"You think too much, Birdie. You need to let go of the past, focus on what's right here, right in front of you. You wouldn't be a burden to our household, or an inconvenience, but a blessing, a gift. Please, come back home to us, Birdie. We all love you"

James lowers his head. I could feel his breath on my neck and the tips of my ears. His lips are dangerously close to my weak points. I suck in a breath and tense every muscle in my body. My eyes have opened up, allowing me to see even more than I could before. My heart was racing so fast, I wondered if it was going to burst through my chest.

"But not as much as I love you"

His voice was in a whisper. Somehow, I tensed up even more and my heart started to race even faster. All the blood in my body rushed to my cheeks. James retracted his head back and smirked as he saw me struggling, shaking underneath him. He let me go and my knees started to feel weak. They eventually caved in and my knees hit the concrete hard. They were either bruised or bleeding or scarred, but I don't care. The only thing that was on my mind was James' body being so close to mine.

I looked up to see James towering over me, my stuff in his hands. He reached out a hand to me and I accepted. He guided me back to his home, the same way he did the first time. Once we reached his front door, he unlocked it and dragged me up to the bathroom as quickly as possible. He dropped my stuff on the floor and sat me down on the toilet. I looked down to see my knees bloody and bruised. He cleaned them up like when I first arrived. He then stood up and moved towards the door, locking it. He turned back to me and my mind started racing with possibilities. He moved closer to me, very slowly. I got up, for some reason. I tried to walk past him, but his arms stopped me. He positioned me in front of him and looked me straight in the eyes. His grasp was firm on my hips. I started to shake.

"I'll make sure you know how much I love you"