My Mother's Door

5

Imagine this, you've made it out of the cycle of moving house to house now taken in with family under laws orders. A blessing you'd think, but I was mad an upset at it all. I didn't want to be saved, I didn't want to be away from my mother and taken away from all I've known. My mother may not have always made the best choices, but you have to understand she was all I'd ever had. With a runaway father and my grandfather now gone my mother was the last thing I had from all I'd ever known. As mad as I could be at her, as I had been, she was still my mother and my everything in this world. She needed help I know, I hear that same statement whenever she's talked about now, but I did too. I do now. She was the only person who made me feel like there was someone out there that's mind was just as separated as mine, as many fights as it made there was silent understanding that we knew we were the same in the mind, that we both needed help, and that for as crazy as everyone else sees it we understood it together.

Looking back on it now maybe I needed more help then a I realized, my mother wouldn't be proud of me now. She wasn't here for that though, but you are. Right now as you read this you move through my life wherever I want you too, to whatever event or time I wish. So let's bring you back to the present. Maybe you'll find room to pity me from the little background you've indulged in. Where I sit now is a an old dusty house, far off by itself away from the public and busy roads. I'm here because of the day I couldn't take it anymore. It was normal for the most, a normal day the same chores the same gestation I always go to, but today he was there. The man I knew had ran from the house as my mother overdosed around whatever junkies he brought around, and I mentally went into a frenzy of thoughts. He was found dead a week later. I was out of the town two weeks later, leaving behind bodies for the cops to find and assume what they please on what happened.

I'm not sure how to explain myself, why I did it, what seeing him did to me that day. If I feel regret or remorse for my actions. Maybe it hasn't had time to set in, the reality of what I did only a week before moving out here.

"Is that all for you ma'am?"

"Yeah I just need a the newspaper and I'll be out."

This mix of a sit an eat gas station was around 35 minutes from my house and so far the only place I've stepped in other then my own house and lawn. Before I'd steal the paper from outside before going back to the house, but today I needed to restock, and this waiter didn't seem to care to much for someone she's never seen here before. Every so many days I'll get the paper, this town is small and usually spreads new of other places and people then their own. So far the police have only found 2 out of the total, and no leads or profiles have been released in the case.

Another week unnoticed, no leads, another body in the count. For another week I was let free of the crimes I've committed and the sins I'll burn for. Maybe I should regret it, maybe I should feel the crushing weight of what I've done on my shoulders but in my mind I almost feel they deserved it. These man weren't just junkies, it's not like their only crime was their addiction, they had plenty other problems and offenses on their record. It seems our law system can be faulty with these issues, granted where I lived everyone would know the cops were coming long before they got there. They had time to hid their sins for the people who could hurt them in this world. I knew it, what they had done, the stories the records, the events involving me. They were far from good people who didn't deserve to go when they did, and maybe if it had happened sooner me and many others could have been saved the pain of them coming into our lives and leaving it so crumbled while they walked to the next opportunity with no form of remorse or guilt. Were all born sinners, but some deserve the punishment more then others.