Macho Man

Macho Man: Cordik's Journey to Greatness

"Cordik sat at his kitchen table gazing longingly at the map in front of him. Cordik was a special man. He looked at the world differently, and he knew in his heart that somewhere out there, someone needed him. There could be whole civilizations waiting for him to come and revolutionize life as they knew it. Cordik was determined to blossom into the hero he was born to be. His mission wouldn't be easy, but by god it would be-"

"Cordik, honey, would you quit talking to yourself and come help me coat these tentacles?" Cordik's mom cut into his daydream.

The young man looked up at his mother's busy hands as they tossed the octopus tentacles into the bowl of Captain Crunch crumbs then into the frier. He slowly pushed himself out of his chair and began flipping the tentacles in the cooking oil.

"Hey mommy?" he asked. "Why are you making, um, whatever this is? It's weird and slimy. Cordik no likey."

Cordik's mother sighed as she wiped her hands on her beach-themed apron. "We've talked about this, bumpkin. My tinder date is going to be here in less than an hour, and his profile picture was a surfer. I wanna make him feel at home."

"But... octopus? Tinder? Captain crunch?" Cordik sighed. "Oh."

"Ya know, Cordik," his mother said as she carefully pulled a tentacle out of the frier. "Wherever you're planning on going, you should probably leave before Gary gets here."

"Gary? I don't think he's a surfer mom."

"Honey listen," his mother pressed on. "You're, oh how do I say this nicely? You're special, dear. That's all. I just- uh."

"Hey mom," Cordik giggled. "Those tentacles look kind of like a giant's fingers if the giant had leprosy."

"That's what I'm talking about, Cordik."

"I know I'm special, mom! That's what makes me special. The world needs me. I'm destined to be a hero with my impressive mind and cunning wit."

His mother wiped her forehead. "You're not any-"

The doorbell rang.

"You need to leave, Cordik."

His mother ushered him out the back door.

Cordik grabbed his map and keys off the table as he waltzed outside toward his car.

"See ya, ma. I probably won't return. Heroes are always on the go, ya know. I'll make you proud, mum!"

"See ya, weirdo." Cordik's mother shut the door behind him.

Cordik opened his map and laid it out on the dash. He stared at it for a few minutes, then he flipped it upside down and smiled. 

"That's better."

He drove into a ditch. Then he kept on driving. Eventually, after losing a couple windows to the bullets of angry farmers, he spotted a highway at the end of the cabbage field through which he was driving. BANG! A bullet shot through Cordik's windshield.

"Hey man!" he shouted. "Watch where you're shooting! You almost killed a future American hero!

Cordik floored it and broke out onto the highway, crashing through a security railing on his way. Chaos ensued about him, and he cranked the volume dial on his radio until Baker Street played louder than the sirens that chorused behind him. He pressed on, occasionally checking his rearview to analyze the cop situation.

"Near is far, and I am special." 

He burst through an iron gate and found himself in a much more trafficked and developed area, but he kept on going. Cordik looked up from his map right as he slammed into a statue in the middle of what was labeled as "Central Plaza."