Dear Charles,
I feel stupid starting this letter like this, it's so formal, but I'm not sure how to do this, since it is the first and last time I will write a letter to anyone. I have known you longer than I have not known you and this is very bizarre to me, every time the years went by I thought of telling you so many things, how I wanted to be your friend, how I wanted to spend the evenings talking to you, how I wanted to spend every night dancing with you even if there was no music playing. But in all these years the main thing I always wanted to tell you was how much I loved you.
I loved you when we were 12 years old and you sat next to me and started speaking French and I kept listening even though I didn't understand a word you were saying. I loved you when we were 15 and you threw me off the track and I loved you even more when you whispered in my ear that you did it on purpose.
I loved you when I won the world karting championship and you hugged me, I loved you when after the hug you slapped me on the arm and told me I was an idiot. I loved you when you called me when I entered formula 3 and said that we would meet again. I loved you when you came to me with your Alfa Romeo shirt and your stupidly beautiful smile telling me that we were destined to be together forever.
I loved you all the times you turned very red when I spoke ill of Ferrari, I loved you every time you were in uniform at Ferrari. I loved you when we crashed and you came to me saying you hated me, I loved you when you came back saying that what you had said was a lie, I loved you when I kissed you and you kissed me back.
I loved you when you freaked out the day I asked you to date me, you cried so hard I thought you were going to say no. I loved you when you took me to your family's house and stuttered to tell them I was your boyfriend, until your brother, Lorenzo, said they already knew. I loved you when you held my hand while I plucked up the courage to talk about us with my mother and sister. I loved you when you held me while I cried because my father hated me and hated both of us together.
I loved you all the nights you needed to hold me tight enough for me to understand that I was loved back. I loved you all the times I let fear speak louder and tried to push you away, but you stayed. I loved you all the times I wanted to go and you held my hand. I loved you all the times you let me cry for hours in your arms.
I loved you every time you came to me after the races when I was fighting for my first title. I loved you when you told me that I was good and that you loved me when the world said otherwise. I loved you when I wanted to give up and you held my hand and gave me strength.
I loved you when I was in the hospital, and you didn't leave my side for a second. I loved you when you took me home and took care of me. I loved you when you held me in the middle of the night, after I woke you up because of my screams. I loved you when you played the piano every night to calm me down.
I loved you when I won the championship, and you hugged me and smiled and were happy as if you had won. I loved you when you tried to protect me from the world. I loved you when you hid my cell phone for fear of what I might see.
I loved you when you chose my black tux so that I could go get my trophy. I loved you when you danced with me in our hotel room because we couldn't do that at the party. I loved you when you said all night that I deserved the championship.
I loved you when you tried to get me out of bed every day. I loved you when you cooked my favorite foods to make me want to eat. I loved you, even when I said I hated you. I loved you when I screamed at you to leave me because I didn't think I deserved you. I loved you when you told me that I deserved you and that you would never leave me.
I loved you when I was angry with you for seeking a psychologist for me. I loved you when even when I was throwing tantrums, you dragged me to therapy. I loved you when you told me that you were proud of me for going.
I loved you even when you were screaming at me for taking more medication than I should have. I loved you when I hugged you that day and apologized. I loved you when you started counting my medicines. I hated myself when I started to realize that I was killing you.
I hated myself when I started to realize that you were always pushing your friends away so that you could take care of me. I hated myself when I heard you crying softly when you thought I was asleep. I hated myself when I noticed that your dark circles were getting darker.
I hated myself when I realized that I made your life revolve around me. I hated myself for not being able to help you as you did me. I hated myself when things in our work started to go wrong for you, but you can never be sad because you needed to help me.
I hated myself when I realized that you stopped dancing with me. I hated myself when I forgot it was your father's birthday and didn't hug you. I hated myself when I realized that I was taking away all your happiness. I hated myself for making the love of my life become a sad person.
I hate myself for knowing that I'm making you sad now. I hate myself for knowing that you will blame yourself. I hate myself for knowing that you'll cry. I hate myself for knowing that you will be alone with our cats in our apartment. I hate myself for knowing that you will isolate yourself from the world. I hate myself for knowing that this will hurt you, and I hate myself because even knowing all this, I did it.
But Charles, I need to tell you that I loved you even when I couldn't love myself, I loved you completely, I love you completely, and you made me so happy Charles, I never imagined that I would be worthy to receive your love, but I was and I hope that I was able to show you how much I loved you, even if sometimes I didn't say it with words. You were the only one to show me the beautiful parts of life, it's not your fault, I'm just tired.
I hope you'll be very happy Charles, that you'll love again, smile again, dance again. I hope you live intensely and enjoy intensely, with your family, with your friends, with a new love. Enjoy your life Charles, because I'm grateful to have been able to share my life with you.
I love you, thank you for everything and forgive me for leaving.
Love, Max.
