"Mom. i cant go anywhere." i plop myself on the bed and begin breathing. The contractions come at a rapid pace. I cannot seem to think straight. Im yelling at the top of my lungs as i push. My mother is on the phone with a dispatcher. "Can you see the head? - I can see the head."
"Youre going to have to insert two fingers to help her get the shoulders out. Once the shoulders are out everything should be a breeze." my mother is frantic. Shes cursing me under her breath.. I push my little girl into this world and my mother grabs her and suddenly fire rescue arrives just in time to wrap her in a towel and place her on my chest. My heart paces quickly. I did it. I have brought a little girl into this world. I cry for a few moments and then worry kicks in. they rush me to the hospital. Where they clean the baby and put her on monitors..
The very first time my daughter called me mom, it awoke something inside of me. Like if i had just been reborn as another human being, i was a mother. Its different having a child and being a mother to them for their first year of life than when you actually hear them calling you mom. I remember people asking me "so how does it feel like to be a first time mom?" and i wouldnt even know how to respond. It hadnt fully resonated that i was someones caretaker. That i was responsible for someones well being. I was only 25 years old when i had my first born. And i was so confused.. Let me let you in on a little truth. You are never fully prepared to receive a child. No matter how many courses you take. No matter how many books you read. It is NOTHING like when they are in your arms, and you look at them for the first time and you see how truly helpless they are without you. These books dont prepare you for the mental part of parenthood. Just the concrete part. How to build solid foundations, but nothing about how to deal with all the emotions that course through your mind while also trying to be the best version of yourself for the sake of raising a smart and kind individual. What sucks even more is when you have a child all your trauma and your childhood nightmares come to life. You are afraid for your child. You worry about things that are soon to come or that could be a potential threat to you and your child. Or children. And even though some of the worries could be irrational you still remain concerned and on high alert wherever your kids may be. And thats the thing about fear, it triggers everything that could possibly go wrong to actually go wrong. What they dont tell you is that you live there.. You learn to live in this constant fear for your child. From something harming them while youre not around or from them doing something that could harm them. and although you cant be everywhere they are, you want to be. You cant honestly know everything but you try to. I remember when my second child was born how heartbroken i was because i saw the confusion in my first borns eyes.. I saw how she wouldnt comprehend that this little being was her little sister and that soon enough she would need to protect her in ways that i later on wouldnt be able to. And it wasnt fair. It wasnt fair for her to have to share her whole life now with another person. To share her mothers love and her mothers attention with someone else. The fear just doubled. One major fear i had while raising my two girls was leaving this earth ahead of time. I always feared that nobody would love and take care nor understand my girls like i did or do. My kids will always be mine. Even when they grow up. They will always belong to me. And one day they are going to ask me for advice on how to raise their own kids. And thats the real challenge here.. To acquire as much knowledge and experience as i can so that i can be a better template for them. Most mothers want their daughters to be exactly like them, having the same attitude. Having the same sense of style or even the same train of thought. I on the other hand want my kids to be more like them, not to say that being like me isnt a good thing. But i would rather them figure themselves out through them and not through me, because what might have worked for me might not necessarily work for them. My kids might be into totally different things while they grow up. Things that i never got around to at their age. And its not to say that if my kdis decide that its me who they want to look up to is wrong, i just wouldnt prefer it. I would prefer for them to really get to know themselves because it is pivotal in their lives. And if i could implement that and help them become strong little women so that they can become strong adult women, then i would definitely feel accomplished.
