sucker punch!

throughout the whole concert, jiseok was watching jooyeon.  he saw the face jooyeon made when he accidentally slightly overshot a note. he saw the tear running down his face, disguised as sweat. jiseok saw the things most people didn't think to look for, the small details no one else ever noticed. jooyeon was his to take care of, and he was always watching, always on guard.

jooyeon had anxiety. really, really bad anxiety, a monster waiting to rise up and crush him at any given moment. and the problem was, jooyeon wouldn't even try to fight back. at this point, he had just accepted that he was "broken", lost to the grasp of his illness. and so, jiseok was there. he was always there, watching from the sidelines, ready to reach forward and snatch jooyeon back from the snapping, snarling beast of his mind.

jooyeon often felt trapped. like he was stuck in a cage surrounded by swirling piranhas, the slightest movement risking all of them coming chomping towards him at once. he knew it was stupid, he knew he was really just standing on a stage in front of hundreds of people. but those people had thoughts. they knew when something was bad. every time jooyeon made a small mistake, he saw their thoughts. flying around the room, slowly coming to circle him before devouring him whole, leaving nothing but the skeleton of someone who was once happy.

he didn't quite know what true happiness was anymore. he'd let himself drown so deep into his muddied brain that his emotions didn't feel perfectly right anymore. once upon a time, jooyeon had been delighted to hear that he'd be making his debut, ecstatic when he performed for the first time on stage. now, the pressure had crippled his brain,  leaving every smile to become a headache inducing disaster. at least, that's what jiseok interpreted from the things jooyeon said to him. most of the time he just said, "i'm fine." those words said much more than he'd ever realize to someone who cared so much about him.

as they ended their last song, and said their final goodbyes, jiseok glanced at jooyeon. he had the same bright smile as always gracing his face, not quite reaching fully up to his eyes. fake. convincing enough, jiseok supposed. to someone who didn't care. someone who didn't know jooyeon like he did. didn't love jooyeon like he did.

the lights dimmed, and the audience began leaving the auditorium.  jiseok turned to leave the stage, walking off behind the curtain before looking for jooyeon. he glanced around in front of himself, not seeing jooyeon anywhere. he turned to look back at the stage, but he didn't see the boy there, either. he furrowed his eyebrows, a frown coming to rest on his face.

"looking for someone?" jiseok whirled around, finding jungsu in front of him, raising an eyebrow. he opened his mouth to reply. "he's in there." 

jungsu pointed to a closed door, light seeping through the thin crack above the floor. jiseok smiled, thanking jungsu. jungsu just nodded, going off to find gunil. jiseok walked over to the door, knocking lightly.

"jooyeon?" he called softly, resting his hand on the doorknob, "can i come in?"

"jiseok?" came his reply.

"yeah, it's me." his only reply was a small sniffle. "jooyeon?"

the door creaked open, revealing a puffy faced jooyeon. tears were trailing down his face, and he frantically wiped at them with his sleeve. he offered jiseok a small smile. jiseok's heart broke, just a little.

"hi," jooyeon said, voice small.

"hey," jiseok whispered with a smile, slipping inside and closing the door behind him. he just stood there for a moment, waiting. jooyeon stared back at him. about a minute later, jooyeon burst into tears, throwing himself onto jiseok. jiseok rubbed his back calmly, attempting to calm him down.

jiseok stood still as jooyeon sobbed into his shirt, most likely ruining the expensive material. jiseok didn't care. as long as jooyeon was okay. he reached up, gently twirling a strand of jooyeon's hair in his fingers.

"do you wanna talk about it?" he asked gently, looking down at jooyeon. jooyeon tensed up, wailing even harder.

"jooyeon, i'm your best friend. i won't hate you because of anything you say." jooyeon continued to shake in his hold, raising his head slightly.

"I just- I don't know how much longer I can do this! every time i make a stupid mistake i lose my mind, i feel useless. like i'm not good enough. like i'm not worthy to be on the stage with you guys, you're all ten times better than me-"

"you're more than enough, jooyeon. you have so much purpose in my life, you know that right? you know that i would be nothing without you, right? you're my rock, my foundation. you're my motivation. you're just as worthy as the rest of us, and you're ten billion times better than i'll ever be. you're gorgeous, jooyeon. and it doesn't matter how many mistakes you make, you're still the most talented, amazing, breathtaking friend that i will ever have." jiseok said, staring into jooyeon's eyes. 

jooyeon had never realized how pretty jiseok's eyes were. his mind had been too clouded by his problems that he hadn't even gotten a good look at the world and the people around him. jiseok was right, they were best friends. they always would be. the only problem was, jooyeon wasn't sure he wanted that anymore. he just couldn't tell if jiseok felt the same.

jooyeon inched forward, but hesitated, stopping about an inch away from jiseok. jiseok looked at him with so many questions etched on his face, and jooyeon wanted to wipe all of them away. he wanted it to just be him and jiseok, no questions or problems interrupting their peace. the intense feelings of want left him no choice, screwing his eyes shut and leaping forward, placing a chaste kiss on jiseok's lips. 

jiseok froze, staring wide eyed at the younger boy. he spluttered for words, trying to find something that sounded right, or even make a coherent noise. jooyeon grew increasingly concerned, worried he'd made the wrong choice. 

"i'm sorry, i really-" jiseok reached up and placed his index finger over jooyeon's lips.

"don't- just... don't." he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. he leaned closer to jooyeon, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead as he raised a hand to his cheek. he looked into jooyeon's eyes, rubbing his cheek affectionately. jooyeon took it as a good sign, moving forward and connecting their lips. they moved at a slow pace, completely one with each other, just as they were meant to be. 

jiseok slowly backed away from jooyeon, reaching down to grab his hands.

"next time you ever make a mistake, remember how many other times you've done so well. and think about me. think about how much I need you. think about how much you mean to me, and how wanted you are. think about how much i love you," jiseok said, pulling jooyeon into a hug.

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hey guys😅 this is just something I've had in my mind since november, something to tide you over until I figure out what the heck to do with my life. anyways, it is currently 2:02 in the morning, and I should probably go to sleep if I don't want to become decrepit later in the day. thank you for reading! happy gaon day <3