Things I see and feel

The hand

15. January

The day didn't start very good but it got a bit better. A dream kept me struggling with emotions for a while until I distracted myself with watching documentaries and doing homework. Math is the only subject that doesn't feel like torture.

Now I'm taking a bath and feel my organs floating around in the water. There is no blood, just my guts floating out through a cut in my belly. I don't see it clearly but the sensory impression is very vivid when a hand reaches between what's left inside me. The hand is gentle but it is still very unpleasant.
About two hours later if feel the same touch in my head. It's even more scary and makes me want to scream. I want to break my skull and take the hand out of my brain. But instead I just sit and look scared. There is nothing I can do. The headache makes it temporarily worse but it turns into the feeling of someone mumbling over my head and I can feel it on my brain. Better than a hand playing with it.
While typing I feel the hand on my face. It's pleasant but I try to distract myself so it doesn't turn into something bad.
The hand doesn't stop. It plays with my hair when I put my food back into the fridge. It almost seems like the hand wants to calm me down. I can't eat when I'm stressed. But I also can't eat when I'm feeling an invisible hand on my shoulder or on my face.
Around 11pm my body parts are drifting apart but that's a problem of tomorrow me.
The hand is still there, touching my back or head. I have to aggressively think about something else to stop it. I don't know how to fall asleep like this.