The Shadow

Everyone grows up the same, yet also differently. We all follow the basic line of going to school, playing at recess with our young friends, making dumb decisions and just doing anything that might distract our curious minds for a while.
Before you know it, you don't get to play at recess anymore. You don't get to sit next to your little group of friends all day. Some friends completely disappear, while others seem to just drift apart. People start changing, still acting on behalf of their curious minds, still not always knowing right from wrong, and learning a little more responsibility. Thinking that we already know how the world works, but actually knowing so little.
Then you move on from your Jr. High days. You've accepted the way things are for you at this point. Your group of friends has diminished, only down to a couple of people you think you can trust; most of the time that is. You know that your future will land on the time you spend here, whether it be a pleasant outcome or not, is entirely up to you of course. You see the world more clearly. You see people for who they are. You understand consequences, but you can't just let a good time pass you by. Some days, you just want to be alone, and others, you can't stand just sitting in the same loop you've been in, so you reach out in an attempt to do something that starts filling the holes in your life.
Some people were just born to excel, while others don't always quite see things on the same level as you. Understanding things about life is essential, yet people struggle with it constantly. Nobody is perfect, and honestly, nobody ever will be. We all make decisions in our life that divide us from other types of people. What you say or do may be perfectly okay to you, but could also be exactly the opposite of someone else's morals. Knowing how to think before you speak, to analyze each situation properly, to control your thoughts and actions, to think rationally, yet outside of the box; that is being intelligent.
I've always been one of those people that excel at things they do. I'm self taught in so many things that I do in my life. I just, I understand. I've done things, seen things, that would change anyone. I used to be an amazing athlete. I could outrun, outsmart, or just use sheer strength to beat my opponents. I always chose to try and win, because who doesn't like the feeling of winning? I used to constantly read books. Every day I'd spend at least 4-7 hours reading. Sometimes I'd literally just read all day. I was a better athlete, but I was also better at being a bookworm. I won Spelling Bees, I got awards for pretty much anything your school might give you, I aced all of my tests without trying, I had a lot of friends and I was also pretty lucky. I knew my way around everything, whether it be arguing with someone, meeting new people, getting what I wanted, and just, winning.
That last paragraph sounds like a lot of bragging, but really, it's just the truth. I didn't have to try to be good at things, I just was. I understood things before they were explained. Although I was good at life, my mind was changing. Every year, it got worse for me. I stopped playing sports, I stopped reading books, I stopped going to school as often and I stopped making friends. Everyone was different than before. I was different than before. I felt deprived of love, because nobody wanted my attention, but at the same time, I didn't want their attention either. I always just sat there, watching the world go by, observing the things people say and do, telling myself how ignorant or dumb they're acting. Wishing people saw things the way I did, but not wanting to come off as a pessimist. Everyone started acting fake. I just became, I guess you could say, reserved. I shut everyone out. I shut myself out. I fell into an abyss of depression, and honestly, I still haven't fully recovered from it.
Over the years, I've taught myself different ways to cope with how I'm feeling. I've accepted how alone I am, but only because my mind is more at ease when I'm alone. People cause unnecessary feelings and drama, which I prefer not to be a part of. It's just so hard to trust people nowadays, because just when you think you really know a person, they will always do something that will make you think twice about what you know. I only have one good friend, but really, that's all I need sometimes. He's the only one that somewhat understands me. Little does he know, that even he doesn't truly know me, considering the fact that we've been friends for 8 years. I can't express myself properly, because I'm so reserved. I have a barrier up in literally every thought I have. I can't just tell you about my problems and feel okay with it, because I feel like it might make you think less of me, or maybe even feel too sympathetic towards me. I'm very prideful, yet I'm honest. I may not lie to you, but I won't always tell you the whole truth. I treat people the way I expect to be treated, and respect is seriously important to me. I may not necessarily fit in with people, but that doesn't mean I shun them either. I talk to anyone who decides they are interested in talking to me. I'm too respectful to ignore someone, but I also just don't want to talk to people sometimes. I won't play any of your little games, because I see through everything. I may be difficult sometimes, but I give everything to people that I care about.
Everything I do now, I come on strong. I do everything I can to let people know that I'm a good person. I work hard, I think logically and I keep order among situations that I come across. I give without expecting return, and do what I can to help at the time. I do everything right, but then I start dwindling. I start losing focus, and becoming less motivated. I stop doing what it takes to remain at the top. I start feeling empty again, like I belong alone, with only my own torturous thoughts. I try to help people see things clearly like I do, but is that really such a good thing? I mean, look at me. I fade into the shadows, like I never existed, every time. All this time, I've just wanted someone who truly understood me, understood life and understood how important a thing like love can be to the world.
The world will always challenge you, but we need to learn how to accept that challenge without becoming overwhelmed by reality. Be somebody that motivates people to become better.

Honestly, I don't expect anyone to read this, and especially not all of it. These are just some ramblings of an 18 year old guy that doesn't really know his place in the world yet. It's 5 am and I just wanted someone to read something, different. Something different, but also something that expresses some type of moral. I don't know if anyone will even really understand this.. I'm just a Shadow.

- Michael