Day 365

January

The first of January, happy new year to me. Here I am, the first day into the year having my first cancer treatment. Some would think it's one step closer to being fully treated but my hopes are low. I stare at the window aimlessly waiting for the all ready to leave. But this time it felt different, I haven't been coping well at all, part of me believes it's stress. I begin to day dream, as my sorrow mind begins to drift into the back of my mind. I begin to remember my Mothers laugh, the only thing what got me through the dullest of Sunday's and the manic of Mondays. I let out a smirk as my mind begins to dive further into the ocean of thoughts. Memories of my Mother begin to flood my mind, every memory up until the incident.

December 31st 2007, the day what changed my life. Walking in from school, ecstatic to see her to tell her about my day. Her big brown eyes would always light up the room, with her grey little cardigan would always be resting gently against her lap as she began to knit. The smell of cooking would always be the first thing I smelt as I opened the front door. But as I opened it there was a smell of burning, I rushed to the kitchen turning of the stove as black smoke spilt out from the sides. I looked on the little brown matted sofa to find her grey cardigan crumpled on the arm of the chair.

"MUM!" I yelled. As my eyes scanned the room. I leaped up the stairs, as i scarcely grabbed onto the withered brown banister. I opened her bedroom door and let out a shriek. A thick rope wrap around her fragile neck as she lied amongst the clothes. Swinging aimlessly, her finger tips are black and parts of her pure brown eyes are covered with bits of her grey hair. I fell to my knees, screaming with exhaustion. I was confused, to how this happened. She was so happy, she was full of life. I ran down stairs, shaken, picking up the phone to dial the ambulance.
The rest of that day was a blur, but I will never forget the look on my Mums face. How drained she was, the way her plaid long skirt sway. That was the tip of the ice burg. Tears filled my eyes and I stare out the window, becoming even more untouched will reality. I have no one else, I refused to go to school after that, and my dads alcoholism became worse. Part of me wants to be angry at him, he doesn't even know his daughter has been battling cancer for the past six months. He doesn't care to take notice, of how I look, how I act. He is more concerned with the devil in his hand as he escapes to a worser version of reality. It has now been three years with out her, that three years haven't gotten any easier...

'Maya?' A gentle voice whispered 'The Doctors have noticed something in regarding to your blood. We're going to have to do more test, we fear there's a possibility there could be some complications with your heart. Is there anyone you would like to call? As we might have to keep you in if there is no one here to support you after testing.'

I wipe a tear from my eye, as I look up. A woman stood over me with a white uniform and a yellow badge saying. 'happy to help' She gave me a smile as she gave me time to compose my self.

I took a breathe. 'Unfortunately, there is no one I have contact with as my Dad will be unavailable. However, I don't need any twenty four hour notice if you are happy to do it now' I smiled, as she imitated my light smile and gave me a nod.
Before walking away and speaking with a group of nurses. I kept looking over, as they turn their heads I give a smile before turning back
to the window. Watching the birds as the dull blue sky begins to turn to dawn. I begin to watch the birds fly over the hills, flying together in flocks as a family. I envy when I see people together, part of me wants to feel it but other part would rather live with curiosity of it.

Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my heart. It felt as if a dagger stuck straight through my soul. I let out a painful scream before clutching onto my shirt. I begin to feel my body tense up as i'm losing my breath. Nurses rushes over and pull the curtains. I felt an oxygen mask slap over my face as my hand remained tightly gripped over my face. My breathing begins to be a lot more sharper as I felt my body pull away from reality. I close my eyes and the last thing I can see is the broken flashing light on the ceiling.

Everything went dark.

I open my eyes, to be unable to move any part of my body. I tried my hardest to push up but it feels like none of my muscles are working. My eyes look around trying to figure out where i'm at. But all I see is curtains and an oxygen mask strapped around my face. I look to the side and notice my Dads warn down leather coat. My heart sinks with the thought of him being there. The curtain pulls open and the smell of smoke enters as an middle age man follows. He has a checkered brown and grey shirt on with trousers and dark timberland boots. He took a seat beside me as he trailed his mucky hands though his scruffy beard and matted grey hair.

'Dad?' I whimper.

He looks up his eyes meeting mine, his sunken emerald eyes, looked defeated. He stares at me, as he examines my beaten down body. He places his hand softly on my head, tracing his hand along the scars.

'Maya' He sighs 'I-I do not know what to say. I don't know where to start' His eyes fill up with tears as he wipes his nose 'I went to get help, I took too many paracetamol. My stomach began to burn, I lied there for awhile but part of me realised this isn't who your mum wanted me to be. So I called a taxi and got my self here. I ran into be seen and heard your voice echo the halls. As I went to approach you doctors stopped me. I tried telling them you were my daughter, but my stomach line was burning'

he takes a breath before continuing. 'I got seen too, I have been there three days, you have been in a coma. I don't know how I did not realise sooner, I was so caught up in wanting to escape, to be with your mum. But I should of realised I still have a version of her with me now. You don't need to say anything my little sunflower, I love you. I'm sorry it's took me this long to realise that I do. I'll be a better Dad, I promise i'll try. For us'
He begins to hold his hands to his face as he begins to weep. Tears of regret rolled down his face as he began to cry heavily. Every word what had jus rolled off his tongue, was something he meant. But all I could do was listen, I can't move. Instead tears just ran down my face, as I am listening to the cry of a shattered man.

A blue glove appears on the curtain as they pull it aside. There is a tall man standing, with a blue shower cap and a long white coat. He had little round glasses and his eyes told a story of deep sorrow. He pulls down his mask, as he looks carefully at his clip board.

'We have done some cross examinations, your daughter has restrictive cardiomyopathy. Following from the cancer with in her blood cells we have been given a time' He breaks eye contact as he looks at his clip board. His eyebrows sink into his face as he makes it his mission to avoid eye contact.

'We are expecting that, Miss Wilson does not make it past a year' He sallows a lump in his throat. 'We would do anything in our power to help expand this. However, the treatment which we have been recommended, there is a lot more risk. There is a higher percentage, that you will have a shorter time if you decide to follow up on this treatment'

I take a quick glimpse at my Dad, he's sat with his jaw wide open and his hands closed together. He looks over at me and gives me a slight smile, before looking back at the man. The man continues to speak, but i begin to zone out.

365 days closer to been reunited with my Mum...