Konig x reader (Oneshots)

[Angst] Regret

A/N: I'm a depresso espresso so of course this one revolves around angst too but uhhhh- I promise there'll be something else soon I'm just emo af 🧍🏼‍♀️

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Suddenly I found my eyes locked onto his, refusing to leave even as they filled with pools of water, even as the distance between us grew smaller. Before I knew it, his gray toned blue that I stared at so often were out of my reach as I was out of his. Even though I wasn't dead yet, we were already gone from each other and we knew it.

The top of his helmet left my vision, my eyes releasing from their daze and turning back around without a choice. I had told myself countless times not to gain such a strong attachment to anyone, only to fall in love. Foolish, but my own blame.

The explosions sounded in the distance, helicopter whirring signaling his leave. At least I knew he had made it. I grit my teeth, furious tears falling. I never thought I'd meet someone that made me regret choosing this life. I thought back to my first enrollment as a soldier, marking down my final answers on that stupid packet. The minute my hand caressed over the 'suicide bomber' option, I put myself down as a possible volunteer if there ever came a time where we would need one. Back then, I didn't care about my life. I had no reason to be bothered with dying or living, especially in this line of work where death is expected. There was no reason for me to care, I was reckless with myself all the time. I realized eventually that I had become more careful after meeting him. Part of me wishes I had wanted to keep myself out of harm's way back then. Because now I had a reason to be here, a person to fight for. I had someone waiting for me, someone who cared about me more than I ever cared for myself. I had Konig. But that choice from my younger self stalked me, waiting for a day to enact itself as a consequence against my poor esteem.

I had honestly forgotten I ever wrote down my willing participation to be a suicide bomber, and there wasn't anything I could do to renew it. So when they announced one would be needed for this mission, it was just me and two other soldiers. They were always selfless, strong, caring. I had thought to myself that I wouldn't agree to that assignment, until I looked at the worried faces of the others. I remembered things they'd told me before, things I'd observed about them. One had a family and a newborn, in a situation similar to mine when it came to past decisions. They didn't have a newborn back then. The other had just turned 19, only here because they wanted to fight for their country and save the lives of people who deserved it. They put their name down for anything and everything they knew would prove them useful. Both of the other candidates sparked my eyes, and something small lit up inside me. I felt the guilt heat up, that I, a useless person with no life but one man, was about to force one of them into death.

In that instant, I uncrossed one arm and raised it firmly, "I'll do it, sir." Although I noticed the shocked looks from Soap, I ignored them. Ghost glanced my way a few times, but I only stared forward with dead determined eyes. They'd confronted me after, with worried looks and concerned questions. I said nothing else to them except that a younger me did not fear death, and now I have to live with it- that this was better than either of the other two dying. I decided it was better not to conversate with any of them for a while, as the mission was given to us as a week's notice. I spent that time relaxing, thinking, living life normally as if I wasn't going to die in a few days. It felt better that way.

The one person I did talk to was Konig, mainly because I ordered everyone not to utter a word to him about it. He didn't deserve the same silence I was giving them. He deserved closure.

Unfortunately enough, we ended up on the mission together, and when my name was called and orders were given to strap-up, what little you could see of his face went pale. I gave no warning, no explanation, and no 'I love you' as I wish I did. The last thing I saw in his eyes was unspoken love and tears made of loss. Konig made me dream of what tomorrow could've been like, or the next day, or the next week, or if we ever could have been together. If I wasn't so stubborn, I would have turned around and kissed him, but I didn't. Another thing I could add to my list of regrets. I just closed my eyes and thought one last time about him.

The motor vehicle drifted to the right and climbed up the warzone, nearing its destination. When the marking on the dirt came in shot, I grasped the detonation button, even if I wasn't ready, I told myself I was. And the second we reached the area I heard a faint command from the intercom. I looked out once more into the eyes of the army, their faces prepared, their hearts torn. "Ready..." The longest moment of my life was the sound of the click touching my ears, but it felt like a mere instant compared to the ringing from the bomb on my vest. And I was dead.

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A/N: teehee

Got a lil too silly 🤭