We Lived Through Scars

Wild Love

James Bay: Wild Love,

"Don't know what to say to you now

Standing right in front of you

Don't know how to fade in and out

Don't know how to play it cool

Lose a little guard, let it down

We don't have to think it through

We've got to let it go

I wanna give you wild love

The kind that never slows down

I wanna take you high up

Let our hearts be the only sound

I wanna go where the lights burn low and you're only mine

I wanna give you wild love."

Our tiny room engulfed us. Its cocoon of security and blackness lulled us all to slumber. Other than Liam softly snoring and Niall quietly talking in his sleep in Gaelic no less, the room was sleepily silent. That's when I felt safe enough to begin my new nightly ritual. Slipping my hand down under the covers and between the fabric of my boxers. I was already hard as a rock, back then just the thought of you ignited life into my unguarded boyish loins. Because of you, I was always in an embarrassing state of teenage horniness.

Take note people cause it's a lie. Excessive wanking and cold showers don't bloody help this situation, I know; because it needed to stop, and I'd tried them all. Desperate times called for desperate measures in those days. I even ventured as far as trying some rubber band method my sixteen-year-old self had heard or stupidly read about. Terrifyingly scrapping that project, one- because of the pain it caused me and two- horrifically thinking my dick was just about to fall off when it angrily turned blue.

As I slowly wrap my fingers around my cock I'm suddenly startled by the mattress shifting. Your hand is on my mouth within seconds and your familiar warm breath is in my ear shushing me. Your weight pushes me closer to the wall as your warm body slips under the duvet. Awkwardly and embarrassed I tried to remove my hand but you were quick to stop me. Without saying a word your fingers joined mine between the cotton.

I will never forget that glorious sensation and the tingle that erupted within my very core. An obscene groan like nothing I've ever witnessed before rose inside me and released itself from deep within my throat and threatened to be my undoing. But before the others could catch on and I could give us away you caught it with your lips and I excitedly felt it vibrate off your tongue and echo throughout your mouth.

I had kissed and been kissed before, but not like this. This was, take charge right. You were fierce in your endeavor. It was everything I wasn't and said everything I couldn't. It was all hard, rushed, longing, and sweaty. As much as I didn't understand it and was too far along to repel it, I was in teenage dirtbag boy heaven.

Your tongue hungrily danced upon mine, dragging along the roof of my mouth and stealing the very breath from my lungs. I felt your fingers in my hair grabbing a handful of sweaty curls. You pulled me tighter doing your utmost to stifle my excitement. My eagerness and willingness to please outweighed the peculiar sensations coursing through my being. It took all that I had to suppress the animalistic moans and groans that took up residence in my now feverishly dried throat.

With unhinged adrenaline soaring through my veins, inappropriate instincts took over and my hand was now in your shorts. My long thin fingers fumbled with your hardened dick wrapping themselves so eagerly around it like they owned it. I remember the sensation taking me aback causing fireworks to dance nervously behind my tightly closed eyelids as it dawned on me how surreal and new this all was and how much I hadn't thought this through. I could never have imagined how difficult it was to wank off a dick that wasn't your own. It definitely wasn't as easy as it sounded.

You consumed me, pressing your lean muscles tighter. Ribs grazed, and sharpened nipples became intimately acquainted, a sensation that caused the hairs on my knees to stand to attention and my teeth to hurt. Heated sweat rolled over our flushed flesh causing suction cups of burped skin to echo beneath the covers. Our dueling wank got rough and feverish. Prickly goosebumps danced magically against my inflamed skin. I was drowning in you and breathable air was a commodity I could have lived without. Am I losing my mind? Was I dreaming? I was so terrified to open my eyes and find you not there.

With adrenaline pumping, I nervously reach for a handful of your hair awkwardly scrambling in the dark needing to absorb all of you needing to devour every inch. The feeling made me smile upon your lips. It was soft, pliable, and product-free, not as I imagined. Holding it tightly, I eagerly pulled your rough mouth closer. My belly uncontrollably somersaulted with excitement and my toes cracked as they curled when your slight stubble combed my upper lip. It was right then that I realized how far too real this all was.

It felt sublime there was no softness like with girls, no boobs to fondle or smooth hairless skin to caress. It was firm and tight and it felt utterly fascinating. Suddenly, your arm skirted around the tender part of my waist dragging me atop you, causing the most titillating friction between us. Cotton caught cotton and fingers glided against each other underneath, and as you breathlessly whispered my name into the darkness in that delicious Yorkshire accent. "Harreh'' we came.

We lay in silence for a moment forehead to forehead breathing heavily. My heart pounded so hard that I thought it would break a rib or two. My adrenaline high rapidly diminished and apprehensive sparks danced behind tightly sealed lids. A wave of unruly nerves surged through every inch of me when the gargantuan realization of what we'd just done dawned upon my overstimulated demented teenage mind. My throat burned with anxiety. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, certain that either fate would result in childish hysteria. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't focus.

'What have I done? What have we done? What the fuck are we doing?'

Drained and confused feeling a tad hormonal if that was even possible just wanting to cry, I folded into you. I felt the need to hide-disappear. Pulling back a bit, you softly inquired. "Youh OK Haz?" Unable to make eye contact but unexpectedly consoled with your surprising tenderness regarding my welfare all I could muster was a small weak embarrassed nod. Unwilling to lose the moment or for that matter you, I sheepishly wrapped my arms around you allowing myself to smolder like a weirded-out school girl into the warm spot between your neck and shoulder.

But as the discomfort and stickiness of our actions grew the urgency to part became apparent. Burying your nose in my sweaty curls, your hot breath caused cool shivers to dance along my sensitive skin, you whispered. "I'm soory, but I gots ta go Harreh'' That was twice in one night you'd called me by my given name, something we in the group just didn't do, and as strange surreal and soft as it made me feel I savored the melody that rang from your raspy throat. Only you with your unique falsetto and accent could make my name sound sexy and exotic. Praying I would never be sick of experiencing it, which I never did. Peeling yourself free as quickly and as quietly as you entered my tiny single bed. In the blink of an eye, you were gone. And as fearful as I was about our behavior, I felt the coldness of your absence immediately.

I nervously stalked your shadow as it fumbled in the dark, urgently changing into new boxers as I hurriedly removed my own. A tsunami of emotions swelled within me. 'Shit! Where in bloody hell do we go from here?' But as I lay there wrestling with my doubt, I was still the happiest I'd ever been in my whole sixteen years. I try to find you in the dark, making out your jawline, your flawless eyebrows, and those soft tired eyes. We stare and smile for a while before succumbing to our need for rest cocooned in the security of the blackness of our tiny sleepy room.