poopee angst (Completed)

pooop eee

I remember quite a bit of my life from before the Zurcus and quite a bit during it.

I remember living with my mom and my sister, Papi being there for short infrequent times, once every two or three years. But he genuinely was never there for us, to help raise us or help Mami.

I remember my school and the kids who enjoyed making fun of me. Whether because of my
clothes or how I acted sometimes. So what if I like Pink? I didn't have any friends, I was quite lonely.

I remember the day I decided I had had enough of the bullying. This one kid who particularly liked picking me, made the wrong choice that day.

I remember lashing out and attacking him.

I remember hearing that that kid didn't make it. Was I really that strong?

I remember being kicked out of that school. Didn't they always tell us to stand up for ourselves? My sister and even my mother feared me after that.

I remember packing up some of Papi's leftover supplies, a tent, throwing knives, a book of tricks, and that stupid fucking bunny hat my father had made a few years back for when "I wanted to join him". Like I couldn't become successful on my own. Oh and I packed a fuck ton of cash, from my savings and some from my mother's stash.

I remember slipping out of the house at night and just running and running. Fuck me if I was going to go to jail. I managed to escape the urban area. Night soon becoming day. I didn't give up there. I kept on, only stopping when I passed a small store to stock up on some food and to use their restroom. Day became night again, several cycles over.

I remember reaching a vast mass of sand, nothing in sight but desert. It felt scary…  and lonely. But still, I trekked it. As the sun rose over the horizon.

I remember finding a small purple figure huddled in the sand. I helped him up, I gave him some of my food. He called himself Kedamono, but I mostly call him Beast. He wore a ceramic mask on his face and never took it off. I brought him along on my trip because he seemed lonely.

I remember finding a place of ruins, a strange brick wall in the ass of nowhere. Beast and I settled down there, setting up the tents and making the new place our home.

I remember the little guy agreeing to join me in my performing. Which we opted to call the Wolf Zurcus. He seemed to enjoy practicing with me.

I remember how sometimes when he'd have nightmares (which seemed to be all too often) he'd come into my personal tent and lay down beside me. How he'd have dinner with me. How'd we play chess together. How'd we sit together and watch TV. And how I in general enjoyed Beast's company.  It was just us in this lonely expanse of desert. And… I think he's my friend.

But, I also remember the first time I hit him. Not on purpose, but not exactly on accident either, more like an instinct than anything. He cowered away from me, but I didn't feel guilty. And well, eventually I got more violent, jealous, angry, for whatever reason.

I remember dying. Such an interesting memory. One second I'm there, then black, and then somehow I'm back. This has happened more than once, I'm still not so sure why I'm able to come back alive.

I remember tirelessly. Knowing that someday, I would travel the world and get rich off my stunts and flexibility. With Kedamono, of course.

I remember my 15th birthday my 16th and soon my 17th. Beast stayed with me through it all. I don’t know why. Looking back on it, I tended to treat the animal terribly. It was almost like he had faith in me, how weird, I don’t even think I had that much faith in myself. Maybe Beast really was that lonely.

I remember the fateful day when I saw that elephant head rising over the horizon. I saw the man that sat upon his "throne" wearing that sun costume, acting high and mighty. He was gaudy as hell. That bastard. I knew who he was. I hadn’t seen him in almost six years now. How did he even find me out there?

I remember how Papi taught me and Beast his dreadful ways in the showbiz. He was trying to shape me into a new version of himself. Despite those ways clearly never working for him, or else why would he be there?

I remember going through a mirror, meeting someone who had the same taste of destruction as me, but in a smaller, furrier body than me, strange, still can't exactly explain what happened in that experience.

Now remembering anything else is a bit hard, the days blended together under the scalding hot desert sun, and I'd stay awake at nights fighting my demons. But failure after failure soon caught up with my young stupid underdeveloped brain.

So that comes to my final memory. The day I quit, a big heat rumbled through me, I couldn't think, I acted on my emotions a little too much. I told Kedamono and my father to kill themselves, because clearly I couldn't. And well… I ran, again.

Here I am now, working as a doctor of sorts. No Beast, no Papi. I'm sad and lonely. I'm alone, just as I feared.