(Ado's Usseewa English ver-)
–Note : I wrote this on my phone so it's shitty quality
Later that day, I'm walking down the pavement. The silence welcomes me as today, the wind tells me of nothing. Always watching me, my every move and yet I welcome it. I welcome the sense of some celestial being, some lifeless thing giving me a sense of protection. A sense of warmth.
I wrap my arms around myself, rubbing the skin for an attempt of warmth. The chilly afternoon sucks me of all my warmth. The only warmth was a vague promise of death and trust. Why did Ciaran decide to do that? Was it an attempt to manipulate me? Use me? What even was his intentions? I scoff to myself.
Why should I be thinking about something so stupid? Am I finally delusional? One wall broken down, a few more walls until I break. Ciaran is a spectacle to me at this point. Everything I've done was in hopes that nobody would ever be able to use me, break me. And a kid is the person who is actually breaking me down? How stupid of me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
My eyebrows furrow in frustration, Ciaran is the person who makes me feel complete? It isn't love, right? That's what pedophiles feel, so why did I feel an obligation to protect him? I open my eyes a bit wider, glancing up to the cloudy sky. It appears as if it is about to rain. To pour all of their emotions on us. I don't mind it though, I like the sound of nature screaming. It just proves that Mother Nature, too, cries for help.
It's fine, pour all your negativity on us, and we can be a normal world. An unhappy world, cruel and a draining world. I welcome the silence, I welcome the fury. I won't welcome Ciaran. I don't want to show him my vulnerability. That I'm capable of being weak. That itself is nerve-wracking.
Hit me down, until I cannot breathe life anymore. Hit me down, until I remember that it isn't worth smiling. Remind me that I'm human once again, and I'll put on my facade. That my life is a lie. That I shouldn't be a waste of pure oxygen, given to the ones who are lucky enough. Please, Ciaran prove to me that you're like everyone else. Please.
Tears fill my eyes. Why, why?! Why do I have to be vulnerable to a kid?! Why is it so hard to leave him? But before I can continue, my hand reaches the cold knob to my household. What perfect timing. I open the door, to an expectant Father. Glaring down at me, making me feel weak even though I'm still standing.
"What do you want.." I mutter to him, eyes unable to meet him. The eyes of the devil himself. He shakes his head in response. "You. Why were you talking to an orphan?" I snap my head back up. Is this what it's about? "Why do you think that?" I ask.
"I saw you." He responded, inhaling sharply. Here he goes again. "You-"
"I am expected to be a golden child, so I shouldn't stoop low for acquaintances. I know", I mutter, interrupting him. "Then why did you do it?!" He yells, aggressively grabbing my chin. His grip was tight, a warning. A warning I plan on dismissing. I grab his wrist and grip it tightly too. A war of dominance, a war on who is in control. My eyes snap back up to meet his eyes of fury. His eyes of sin. "You don't dictate my decisions, I decide whether or not I want them to love me." I snap back.
I slap his hand back, eyes glaring daggers at each other. "You don't need love, you need respect. I'm not letting them shape me." I say, taking a few steps back. He scoffs, "respect is nothing. It's nothing stopping you from a brutal death.". "Yet it's the same thing you're asking for." I commented. I inhale sharply. "Remember that I'll be the one making decisions, not you." He slaps me in the face. An angry red imprint shows up on my face. "How. Dare. You?! I am your-" I interrupt him. "a Father and a nuisance are two different things. Remember that." I say, and turn around to my room.
"I can kick you out of this house!" He yells, making an obvious attempt to show dominance. I turn around slowly and give a fake smile. "Do it." I reply, and close the door shut. Remember that I'm no longer vulnerable. My mind shifts to Ciaran. He wouldn't know. I think, it's time to put him to the test, to see if he even deserves my respect.
