Affirmed

Judgement

October 9th

Even before I became a vampire, I started my day with lies: wear this and you'll get noticed, you can make a living with an art degree, Mom doesn't know everything, you'll only have to stay at this job for a few months, he didn't ghost you, everything's fine. It was monotonous but I could play along. Since the change six months ago, I've clung to them for sanity: You love isolation, blood's not disgusting, working from home is fun, you hate the sun.

After 6 years in Chicago, I moved to Seattle. The gray sky, parked clouds and dreary rain blocked sunlight most of the time. Finding a small studio apartment wasn't hard and neither was finding a job where I could work from it full-time. It's better this way. Immortality and loneliness were a combo I wished Isaac warned me about. Of course, grooming me to be a weapon was his only concern. I hated that I missed his company on the days my lies felt as plastic as they were. When I went along with Isaac's mission, I told him it was because I wanted to be left alone. That was a lie too. Sort of. I was running.

I went to school in Chicago to get away from my family. My dad was a big-time lawyer and my mom was one of those housewives who stirred up drama in Dallas' social circle. Speak up Charlotte, she always said. Always look your best, you'll never get a boy looking like that. A quiet child that only inherited her looks wasn't what she wanted. I thought a new city where no one knew me or my family was perfect. Chicago was busy like Dallas but the school was my safe haven. I made a few friends, loved the challenge of art school and got a whole degree. Just as I was coming out of my shell, I went to my first jazz club and it all ended.

I still don't know how to feel about Luke. He Turned me and after everything Isaac told me about him, I knew I should hate him. But I didn't. Not enough to want to kill him. I hated that he lured me and made me into a monster but I wouldn't have hunted him if Isaac hadn't pressed me. I wish one of them had told me what "Regent" meant. I hadn't seen another vampire since I fought Luke and wished Isaac good luck. I knew it was a Regent thing but what was the point?

I'm sorry for complaining. Wait, you're my journal, why am I apologizing? I just laughed to myself. I realize how sad I sound. I guess I am. I didn't expect so much to come out for my first journal entry. I don't know what to do now but at least it's out there. Maybe I'll pick up this again later this week. Thanks.

I shut my journal, sat back and closed my eyes.

"Damn, that felt good", I exhaled.

The sound of rain hitting my window relaxed me. The hum of the dryer lulled me into a stupor. I wished I'd picked up journaling years ago. I felt lighter. I felt good. I raised my eyelids. The living area was kind of a mess but my kind of mess. Paint-stained towels, empty paint bottles, brushes and an unwashed palette formed a ring around the painting on my easel. The best thing about not having to sleep was that I could paint all night. I'd sold a few online but I most of the time I just made a mess that ended up looking pretty good. This one was a symphony of blues, my favorite color. Dark and light hues blended into each other and made a wave pattern like the ocean. I'd just finished it but I decided to keep it after two weeks of working on it.

My bed was made and my laptop was still running. I alternated between watching Netflix and scanning social media for what my friends were doing. One was married, another was a teacher and one was backpacking across Europe. My sigh held a bit of jealousy. I was happy they were happy but seeing it still hurt. Unfortunately for my masochism, I healed pretty quickly. As I scanned the room to decide what I was doing next, the sharp edge of my fangs kissed my tongue. I was in front of my fridge in half of a second.

When I saw it was empty, my insides tightened and the dread I carried on my shoulders returned. I could write about my problems all I wanted, but nothing changed them. Another half second and I was by the window. I pressed the tips of my fingers against the glass and managed a smile at its cool touch. I turned and hesitated. My fingers trembled as I looked at the door of my closet. I put something in there when I first moved. Something I never wanted to see again. The voice returned.