Greasing Heaven's Gears: A D&D Gamer/Planeswalker fic

Session 0: Character Making

[ENGINE LOADED: FIFTH CONFIGURATION OF THE GREAT WHEEL. CAMPAIGNS: VARIOUS. MODULES: VARIOUS. ELIMINATING EXTRANEOUS VARIABLES. HOMEBREWED ADDITIVES DETECTED. THE LUMINOUS ONE IS WATCHING.]

[PLAYER FOUND.]

I fell through the cosmos. Stars and galaxies sped along my periphery. Planets, not just of spherical shape but also of all sorts of polyhedrons, faded in and out of view, obscuring and revealing themselves out of some fiery-tempered liquid that slowly flowed like oceanic slipstreams within the void of space. In my panicking mind, I still knew that the slow stream of orange something that mysteriously flowed through space was only slow within my human perspective. In truth, whatever that was must've been moving close to or faster than light speeds in order to create such a cosmic display.

I spun around, the classic move to get one's bearings, and saw a flat disc-world with a titanic spire protruding in the middle. It was surrounded by divisions of space, around sixteen, clearly marked by... temperament? No. The better words would be archetypes, stereotypes, stories... And by both cosmic chance and divine destiny, the correct word was granted to me: Alignment.

I knew these places. These were hells and heavens, afterlives described in mythology... and in game. The Dungeons & Dragons game, specifically the 'Planescape' setting. I recognized the perfect galactic array of gears and cogs of Mechanus, the lone landmass of Mount Celestia, and the very literal nine circles of hell of Baator. This was the Outer Planes. The flat disc-world with the spire... That's the Outlands. The orange cosmic river across all of space, that was Phlogiston.

I was looking at Dungeons and Dragons. Was this a joke? Was this some optical illusion or advancement in hologram technology? Am I unlucky enough to be dragged to the prank section of a game show? No. I was still falling through space in a fictional afterlife. Right here and now, I had to accept reality even as my mind looked for rational explanations for this. How am I breathing in space?

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. My clothes spontaneously combusted. I was burning now and frantically whipped my head back and forth to look for anything near me, some primal part of my mind knowing that a human's best friend is the tools they can reach for. Yet, there was nothing, just my hands slapping all across my body to put out the flames, dull thuds echoing instead of any meaty slaps as there was no medium for sound to travel through other than my own burning body.

"You can breathe, this isn't the space you are familiar with."

In a blink, I was back to normal.

In front of me, the planets blinked. That is to say, they weren't actually planets, but the eyes of deities. The one that spoke to me was ephemeral, like a vague dust cloud in the shape of a hooded figure with a left eye that almost looked like Jupiter, and a right eye that resembled Earth.

"It's rare to see humans from your world combust themselves here, usually they either freeze or explode before we can tell them otherwise."

I tried to look up at the being, unsure of what tone to speak with, "...Well, space shouldn't freeze you because there's no medium for heat to travel in, and the... blood-splosion is pretty slow, I think."

A deep rumbling came from the masculine voice, presumably laced with amusement. "Correct. Most people also ask about why they had such experiences after, or who they are speaking with."

"I roll with the punches real fast." I held no confidence, afraid and panicking on the inside, yet experienced enough with being thrown into chaos that I had subconsciously slipped into a familiar hyper-focus. Predicament: Something took me. Solution: Appease the Something. My arms flapped around as I tried to look more presentable to the deity instead of floating aimlessly. "...I'm pretty sure I know the answer for the first one. Can I ask about the latter instead?"

"Indeed. I am the System Administrator, crafted by the gods to facilitate a new game." He then waited for a while before speaking again. I wondered why, but I soon realized that it was obviously because I was still spinning and flailing around. "You say you know the answer as to why you exploded, correct? Calm yourself and use it, then."

Right. I was being lectured by a god or something now, not sure what to feel aside from embarrassment. The Outer Planes was filled with afterlives that were shaped by the beliefs of the inhabitants of the Prime Material plane. That is to say, people believed in Heaven ergo Heaven existed. Thoughts shaped this plane of existence. I believed that people got hot in space, so I caught on fire. Therefore... I just had to believe that I was facing the... System Admin correctly. Holy shit, I'm talking to a System Admin.

My body corrected itself immediately. I stood on space with a straight posture, looking up at the being. "Wait! A game! Like Isekai anime and stuff? I'm a main character?!"

"As much as any player or actor can be."

"Wha-" I almost asked before realizing the peculiarity of his words. Player. Actor. People who are isekai'd with a system should be called 'Gamers' though, that's what usually happens in these scenarios. I gulped and asked cautiously, "Okay, may I know what specifically is happening to me and you?"

"You know of these worlds as Dungeons and Dragons. A tabletop game. You will play within a world of your choice using the very same game rules. You will become direct entertainment for the gods. I am your system, crafted by dozens of deities who will be an audience for your actions, such as: Primus, Sune, Yama, Prime Fang, Nihilus, The Atomic Legion, Blibdoolpoolp, Lolth, New Blade, Zeus, Aiwass, Pax Cruentate, Vecna-"

"Okay, please don't list all the gods." There were some new names in there that I'd never heard of, but I guess the D&D books can't be totally correct. "So, not all that bad of a deal. It's still a Gamer system but just with the restrictions of D&D 5e, right? I can be a level 20 Wizard?"

"No. You will have 5 homebrew classes and cycle between their levels on each Experience Milestone reached."

Excuse me. "What?"

The cosmic cloud that was apparently my System leaned back to a straighter posture. "Your race, background and classes have been decided for you. You may have prior knowledge of these concepts as they are all based on existing franchises and written as homebrew by fans..." He paused and let out a low drumming sound.  There was a sense of raw intention around him that let me know he was holding back but that was apparently a grumbling groan that had enough decibels to be classified as an extinction event. "I have been commanded just now to send you away immediately."

I waved my arms about, staying still in space via imaginative willpower this time, and panickily shouted, "Wait! What killed me?! Will there be anyone else? Can I at least pick which world I'm going to?! How often-"

A singular lone finger was held up from his approximation of a human hand, like a pillar-shaped nebula shoved in my face. "Wolf Zielandanski pushed you onto the train tracks after he randomly saw you again. He was both mentally unwell and hateful of your prior betrayal of the Hellhearts gang in Arizona." A second finger was raised. "You will be alone. I will be there to serve the basic functions of the system which you are familiar with in literature, but we will not speak as candidly as this anymore. I am managing thousands more of these new isekai adventurers after all." A third finger was raised but followed by a pregnant pause instead. A slight shift in his posture, the way stars dimmed, and galactic dust clouds mimicked a hunch, indicated that he was receiving more instructions. "Yes. You can pick which world to reincarnate into, but it must be right at this second. Answer immediately."

Without any time to consider, I blurted out a random pick from my favorite shows. "Madoka Magica!"

He snapped his fingers. The colossal interplay of two celestial objects impossibly transmitting what I would imagine the Big Bang to sound like ripped open a bright light. A white hole appeared and simultaneously crawled and snapped across everything in a bending of time.

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