My fingers are interlocking with his. His eyes are looking down into mine. I know the looking his giving me. My heart starts to pound. This is it, he's doing it. He lends in and kisses me. I feel his lips pressing up against mine. I can feel the passion he's giving me. A tear, creeps out of my left eye. It slowly falls straight down my cheek and onto the my pillow. I lay there kissing him thinking, why am I crying? Why is there a tear?
I pull myself together and hold back the tears, hide them away before we stop kissing. He lends back and smiles at me. His smile pierces straight through my heart like a blade. All I want to do is cry but I smile straight back at him. I wrap my arms around his neck pulling him in for a hug. I bite my lip in pain to hold back the tears. I know I need to stay strong but nothing is harder than his moment right now. First kisses aren't meant to feel like this, right?
Could it of been the shock that got to me? Did a tear tiptoe out of my eye because I didn't see it coming? He holds me in his arms as we lay watching Pitch Perfect on my bed. I look up at him and see someone who can treat me so well and who can be a good, kind, caring guy. But his arms seem to be making me colder. His lips seem to make my eyes cry. His hands make mine feel numb. His words start hurting my ears. His intentions seem to be crushing my soul. But I stay just as I am, in his arms, as I try to put up with the cold.
We we're fine when we were smiling in the photo booth, but now I'm lying there with him, feeling loved but not feeling the love myself. He rests his head on my shoulder, he snuggles up against me, holding onto me. He's been my boyfriend for only an hour now but my heart is already so confused. I look down at his head leaning on me. Is this what I want? Do I want this? Do I want him?
Maybe I'm just not ready? Maybe I'm not ready to kiss him? Maybe it's because I know his kiss and never compare to yours? I lay there with someone else in my arms thinking of you. Thinking of the boy who stole heart and seems to of never given it back. Please return the second half to my heart? I want to want him, but every bit of me is pushing me further away. How have you done this to me?
A tear drops from my eye as I flash back to our last minute together. We are stood out in the cold of the night, in our pajamas. Our bare feet on the pavement. The lights from the lobby of my hotel were shining away in the back ground. You hands wrapped around me, pulling us as close as possible. Your warmth surrounded me, making the cold night warm. My arms wanted stay squeezing you, hoping that if I never let go, we'd stay together forever. I didn't want to go.
The headlights from your car were a shiny reminder that it was time to say goodbye. I whispered gently in your ear, "I love you Toe-Mass" as a tear ran from my eye to your shoulder. I remember praying my family could change their minds and let me stay there, but earlier that day you helped me package up my house. You put the final things into its places. You watched as the movers took the boxer away and put them into the truck. The words you whispered in my ear as we watched everything go away, are just for us two to know.
In last minute together, you moved you're head down and look into my eyes for the last time. I saw the tears in your eyes running down your cheeks just like mine did. I never thought we'd have to end like this. I never thought that day would actually come around. It had always been just some thing in the future. It used to be three months away, then two, then one, then all of a sudden it become it was the day I'd have to say goodbye. I remember the last days we had together. They were slowly steeped into night, and those night slowly dreamt away the little time we had left together.
I had never seen you cry before, that was the first time I ever saw you feeling so weak and powerless. You knew there was nothing we could do. My lips were next to yours for the last time. The tension had been so built up between us. We both knew in our heart that that was it, our last and final kiss, the kiss we would always remember. The kiss that still lingers my lips. I never thought we'd have a last kiss. I thought we would be together forever, I knew we're young but I can still picture the wedding we could have had. The marriage that could of come from our love. The times we would be lying like this but I as I look down at him, I don't see you.
When our lips finally met, I felt so safe, I felt so loved, I felt so peaceful for the first time in since we had walked out of those elevator and saw your family waiting for you. I wanted the kiss to last forever. I wanted us to last forever. But we didn't did we. I know long distance never works but I honestly thought we were different and that we could make it. You know, I can even remember how our families surrounded us. You're mum and sister were standing by the car on the road, my family by the hotel entrance. We're the center of attention. Our families even had tears in their eyes as the watch us finally part.
You got called to leave. We glanced at each other for a split second then you turn to look at your mum. My eyes were still locked on you. You slowly kissed my forehead, "Goodbye Phoebe, I will always love you, I'll love you to death." As I think about it now, that lie is one of the most painful thing I think about, Of course at the time I didn't know we wouldn't make it and that I'd end up in a loveless relationship with a boy I barely know trying kiss me. The hardest part was when you started turning away but I couldn't let go of your hand. I couldn't let you go. I remember starting to panic. My heart was killing me. My breathing sped up to abnormal rates, till your fingers finally left mine. I felt the last brush of your touch. Then my mum went and grabbed me gently from behind, to hold me back.
My heart was breaking, it was getting tore into two pieces and it felt like your always going to have one half. I watched as you get into the car and have your family drive off away from us. I could see my heart driving away from me. It was like I was losing you and my heart at the same time. But to this day you still have my heart and I honestly need it back. You live half way across the world from me. You've even already found someone new. Why can't I be happy like you are now? Why can't I feel the warmth like I did when you hugged me when he hugs me?
I keep trying believe me. I've tried to find someone as perfect as you but none of them treat me like you did. It's like I keep opening the fridge but I seem to never find any food in it. I know in my heart you're the only one for me and that these kisses I'm getting will never compare to you. Because I've been spending the last few months thinking that maybe I can get back with you. I'm heading down your way soon, maybe if you see me you'll fall in love with me again. But I know it's not true. You'll never the way you used to.
I get caught off track while I'm off in my own world. "Phoebe", I shack my head as I come back into consciousness. "Ha you silly thing, you fell asleep.". I open my eyes and look up at this gorgeous, sweet guy leaning over me. "I'm sorry", "Don't worry about it." I feel my heart start to race more and more every time I look at him. I feel like that dream has set me free. I feel like this guy finally has given me closure. I finally feel happy again.
