𝘍𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦

"𝐼 𝐿𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒴𝑜𝓊.."

~1st Person~

I wake up from a long, restless sleep. It's the middle of the night, it's 1am. I look over at the clock and I realize what time it is, and I groan and slap my forehead. 'It's been so hard to sleep without him...' I think as I sit up in my bed. I decide to just get up since I would have only gotten probably 20 more minutes of sleep because I keep waking up.

For context, we had a fight the night before, it was really really horrible. We're In a toxic relationship, we instinctively gaslight and manipulate each other, make each other jealous. Well, I finally set my foot down. I told him that we were done for good. I start to tear up again as I think about what had happened.

I wipe my salty tears that run down my cheeks. I get up and go into the bathroom, I look at my messy bed head, my puffy red cheeks from crying the night before, my bags under my eyes, my self-harm scars that I had done many months before but really had to stop myself from doing It last night.

I sigh and I get in the shower, and I put on one of my Spotify playlists, so I can make myself feel better. I wash my hair and smile as I hum the tune of my music, music was and always will be the only thing that comforts me without him. I finish up washing every crevice of me and rinsing out my hair.

I get out and get dressed into short red-plaid shorts, with a tight black tank top. I instinctively put on his light gray jacket that he had given me. I sigh, missing him so much, as I look down at my oversized sleeves. I do my hair and make-up, not focusing too much on it do to my intrusive thoughts about him.

I get in my bed, and I scroll on TikTok, desperately trying to find something to make me laugh, usually he would take care of that. After a couple of hours, I look, and I see it is 6am. I sigh as I pack up my school bag and my mini personal bag.

I get in the car, and I drive to school. Another day of putting a stupid, fake, facade on for my friends.

It was like that for 2 months.

I snap one morning after I got ready.

"I have to text him. I need him and miss him so much." I say to myself as I get on my phone and go into snapchat. We only meet a couple times a week because me and him live away from each other so I couldn't even get a glimpse of him to soothe my urges.

I find his account. I smile as I unblock it and friend it. 'Hey... um, is this Bryan? If so, this is Lacey...' I DM him. To my surprise he DM's right back 'Hey.' Seriously!? Just hey?! Whatever. We continue to DM each other. We talk about how we missed each other. He seems like a whole new person.

After a week or two he texts me, talking about how he hates himself and he wants to kill himself. Oh God, please don't let it get to this again.

Don't get me wrong, I love helping him so so much, but it's hard sometimes especially when you're also struggling at the time as well. But then again, this is a part of why our last relationship was so toxic, I won't go too deep into details though.

I smile as after about a half hour, he seems to be going back to his normal, giddy, self. He seems like a whole new person. New appearance, more aware, less insensitive, more kind and caring. God, I love him again.

He takes mood-stabilizers, that's why sometimes he has these breakdowns, but he told me he got to work on himself during our break and he has gotten so much better with it. He said he was getting off of them in a week.

I was so so happy when he told me that, that means it's just me and him, forever, happy... I know it.

I decided to celebrate with him and go over to his house whenever he gets off of his pills, and because he popped the question, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. So, celebrating both of those things. Being so far away, we rarely see each other. Even though we missed our Christmas together when we went on a break, this is the best Christmas present I have and will ever receive.