In love with the darkness

Prologue

Hysterically crying. Pain in your heart that makes it feel like it's breaking into a million tiny pieces that can never be put back together. I have failed you, pain. The pain of you tried your best but your best wasn't good enough. That's what it felt like when my brother killed himself.

Creeping in my dreams at night. Just when I think I am okay. The memory comes back to haunt me. Sleep doesn't come easily. I have a gut wrenching feeling every time I lay down. 'You're going to see his face again' my brain repeats. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to make it go away. My throat hurts from trying to hold in my tears. I see him again, his eyes. His beautiful green eyes staring at the ceiling but no thoughts. No memories. No him. I know he's not here anymore but all I want to do is shake him, cry and scream and hold him. Beg him to wake up and tell me it's a prank. I want him to tell me everything's going to be okay.

But it's not like that. I'm here sitting on this uncomfortable wooden bench listening to the priest drone on about how Sam's in a better place now even though he never even knew him. I hear people crying but when I look down the pues I see a church full of people I don't even know. Clenching my fist I turn back around and look at the casket. That stupid goddamn casket.