I can't believe I was once the guy who carved a smile into his wrist because he couldn't find happiness, that guy who thought he would find it in death.
He looks around with this face that screams, I know I don't belong.
I fake-smile because everyone wants happiness for me as much as I want it for myself.
He wants me to continue existing. I want that too, now.
I can see a drawing forming in my head now of what it would be like if we could set our home on fire: warped windows, concaved walls, flames eating everything we didn't want, and then all of us leaving our footprints in the ashes as memories melt and disperse around us. Except I would never draw myself surrounded by black smoke, because I'm not ready to watch it all burn away.
This is still an ugly world. But at least it's one where your girlfriend loves you back.
Everybody plays a purpose, even fathers who lie to you or leave you behind.
Faith is just arrogance disguised by God.
But for tonight, this is enough. From the shapes cast by the green paper lantern, you would never know that there were two boys sitting closely to one another trying to find themselves. You would only see shadows hugging, indiscriminate.
"Of course. You're my favorite person," I say without a doubt. Thomas isn't just someone I want in my life — I need him to stay happy, to keep the death out of my life, to make being who I am easier. "It sounds stupid, but I think your my happiness."
I can't even remember what I like about Thomas. I latched on to the first person who always had a smile for me and who didn't run away when I told him my secret. Everything I felt was an illusion, nothing more.
They're telling me to seek out oblivion where rest and happiness await.
I was expecting relief but instead it's the saddest pain I've ever experienced. I never once stop feeling empty or unworthy of anyone's rescue, not even when the thin line on my wrist makes everything go red.
If you looked inside me, I bet you'd find two different hearts beating for two different people, like the sun and moon up at the same time, a terrible eclipse I'm the only witness to.
I have never been more hurt seeing someone else so happy.
