I am fucking not ok ever since she left me are youu getting it I AM NOT OK FOR THE FUCK SAKE
Life used to be a flowing river that is going downstream by hitting rocks that came across to it . The journey used to be difficult but that time I know something is there for pushing me,supporting me what not NOW I AM THAT HECKING THING THAT IS BECAUSE SHE MADE ME LIKE THAT. I may be a brat who just dont know what to do when to do but the brat will listen only to her, that time I know if I was going to take wrong step she will be there to correct me.
I just dont have that much of attention in my life what to do I just went with the path that is showed me and one day she left me just like that and then suddenly a question mark on my own existence.
So many souls console me but one thing keeps bugging in my mind that she left me what I have to do now, I dont know what to do when to do and where to do.
So I thought of just following the words that are said to me by some let say them as well wishers, So I just listen to their words and did the things as I dont have any option left for me to do.
After she left me she took make brave with her, I became timid and easily got afraid,scared of things ,but I didnt show them and maintained in lowkey. I used to cry only infront of one soulmate and one soul(who i thought they may became my future) I just kept me tears that should not cross the border of the eye infront of my so called wellwishers , as I know they will console me with their words but It just trigger me more that she left me alone in this world.
To avoid all the clumsiness in my heart I made an addiction for pop music and just like that I got into the korean pop and liked a band very dearly ,like they became my happy pill,if i am suffering from longing ness of her farewell they are the medicine that sometimes will temporarily calm down my mind.
I have a soulmate who listens to my boring cries not soo soothing hiccups everytime I need some real one to console my pain ,that soulmate is like one small ray in my dark room.
In these days I just controlled so many needs,likes of me, thinking that whom to ask for, I just get ready with out care what outfit it is, just pickup randomly and wear it, I dont know how to shop and what to shop ,these well wishers brought some clothes that I have to wear no matter whether I like it or not becoz no option left over for me.
Used to stay in other roofs is not at all a normal thing for a girl like me not saying that they are not good but you know what home is in my definition ,Home is a place where we can let our griefs behind the warmness of the persons ,home is safe place to keep my brain calm,but no one place feels like a home to me after she left me.
Like I said the band is happy pill for my griefs but sometimes my surroundings even not letting me get my happy pills for time to time so becoz of that my condition getting worse.
A girl who used to be cheerful in her 22 yrs life suddenly got disturbed by some situations and someone what her to tend to mingle in this society who doest know any people more than family now have to mingle around even though I am not willing to take with them,I became a person who carves for little bit of attention like If I do something I just want appreciation that was atomatically came when she is with me, but now even If I ask who will give, and who I am to ask.
Things were so easy for me in before days what I want I will get in a finger snap,now that snap is not working in my finger it got muted.
Things I learned after she left me was doing chores that i dont wanna do every time but something triggers me to do them saying that there is nothing left for you,for your survival you must do these things,and another thing is faking the love and concern on other I became expert in these.
Now my mind is thinking like I am an un loved child who no body wants to love.
I know what I am talking but if some one ask me what happened to you i fail to explain them that tends to go into a confusion that other think that I am unstable by mind.
Like before there used to be a days where i used to be have freedom of talk,freedom to go to desired places that i wish but not too long to the sight of her, but now i lost my freedom to talk,to walk,to dress,to smile,to hate ,to sad,to calm,to advice, to all .
The existence of me is now a big question mark.
