The Art of Persuasion

Hurt Me

Hurt Me

I woke up earlier than my usual body clock, supposedly nine in the morning ako nagigising but voila, it's only six and I'm making my way towards the construction site already. I brought my mug with me until I reached the site and watch enormous trucks filled with workers finally settling in. They first pile up the cement to be used and just did other things they need to do.

Maaga pa lang ay nandito na sila dahil sinabihan ko na sila kagabi na they should arrive early nang makapagsimula na agad. They greeted me good morning and I greeted them as well. Binantayan ko lang sila doon habang gumagawa sila. I walked away a little bit to prevent being injured and they gladly put a barricade all over the area para narin sa safety ng ibang mga tao.

I haven't got a good sleep up until now. The fight we did last night wasn't a help at all. Nakuha ko ngang magrelax pero nastress rin naman agad ako. Caleb's still in bed so that's good thing, ayoko munang makita siya ngayon kasi nabwibwisit lang ako lalo. He's vicious and very inconsiderate, ngayon lang ako napikon sa kaniya ng ganito. Yes we do fight a lot-like A LOT but that were just plain quarrels. This time he's a little bit personal, he even included the past for damn's sake. It's been three years pero mukhang hindi niya parin talaga nakakalimutan 'yon, I mean I get it he's hurt pero am I not trying my best here? Am I not paying for all I've done? Am I not forgiving enough?

I decided to have my morning walk along the seaside. It was almost sunrise and I'd like to see it, it's kind of refreshing lalo na at mahangin at maalon ang dagat. I drowned myself in deep thoughts, it's been two years and four months of persuasion and I think I'd like to settle this way. I'm still going to chase him, yes. If it would take me forever to finally forgive then I'd still do it. I love him unconditionally; I love him to the extent that I wasn't able to think about the consequences.

I am a selfish bitch. I always want what's good for me and apparently the only person I've ever wanted ay siyang taong pinakawalan ko pa. Karma I guess, I'd like to thank Karma for this. Kung hindi dahil sa kaniya hindi ko mapapatunayan sa sarili kong I'm still madly in love with Caleb. Every trait, every action, everything he does is always perfect-in my eyes. Walang taong perpekto pero bakit para sakin sobrang perfect niya?

To be near him, it's like a ball of electricity running within me-electrocuting me to death. A touch from his hand entails a thousand of feelings unspoken. Masyado akong nakampanteng his feelings for me will never die. I knew for a fact that even if I come running for his open arms again, I knew that he'd accept me. Well, I guess marami nga talagang namamatay sa akala. Tama nga siya noon, he knew I'd be chasing him and by that moment, I know I'm too late.

Sino ba namang matinong babae kasi ang tatanggi pa e mahal ka na nga diba? I'm a dumb fuck to let him go like that. Even if it means shattering my world, I didn't care. For once in my life, letting him go was the most selfless thing I've ever done.

Pilit kong inaalala ang nakaraan kahit ayoko namang aalalahanin. What made it worse is that Caleb brought the idea up last night. Lahat ng sakit bumalik, lahat ng pagsisi at lahat ng guilt naramdaman ko. I know well that I'm the cause of his new self. He's still him-only colder. Hindi naman talaga expressive na tao pero dati, sa tuwing nagkikita kami siya na ang pinakamapagmahal na lalaking nakilala ko. I never thought I'd say this but I felt what Ginny felt in the movie Starting Over Again, ang tanga ko kasi pinakawalan ko pa.

I kicked some of the sand playfully as the sea touched my feet, hinalukipkip ko ang white kimono ko sa lamig at pinagmasdan ang alon. How I wish my life would be as peaceful as this, hindi na siguro ako magtatangkang umalis sa Cebu kung dito talaga ako nakatira. I closed my eyes and savored the moment, I felt the cold breeze fondle my cheeks and made my hair flow along with the wind.