It was late January 2019. All I could think about was my life and all the failures that I lived. I had a beautiful but challenging life, I went through a lot of pain and disappointments, but the worst from all was choosing wrong. Somehow I thought that having the right to choose and doing it knowingly it will make me proud of myself. I really don't know when did all of this turn out so damn wrong. Did I choose sadness and abuse for myself? After a life lived in abuse, did I choose the same thing? What does say about me, now? Is this the rest of my life? Abuse, toxic relationships and sadness, blaiming myself for all the bad things that happen to me? Will this feeling be with me for the rest of my life? Will I ever forgive myself for letting someone else abusing and take advantage of me? I mean, let's be honest, this is the real struggle: to forgive yourself for all the harm that was done to you, as a result of your bad choices. Until you realise that, it eats the whole you!
Why did it end now, after 9 years of toxic relationship and 7 years of marriage? It hurt me more that my marriage is at its end, then it hurt me that I put myself in this situation. I was willing to continue with this sharade if it wasn't for my childhood trauma. That little thing that he told me, among all of others that I didn't want to hear: "I wait for you to get sick so I can take care of you. Until then, I do feel that we need to keep going like this, as this is how it supposed to be! We are married and you have to take care of me!"
My name is Sarah. I was 30 years old when I said stop to the abuse. I said stop to the abusive marriage that I was living in. I said stop to killing myself slowly next to the man that had no merci of me and was abusing me constantly in the name of love, till the dearth due as apart...
