Do you sometimes have that thought of wanting to know the feeling of falling in love?
I don't have a boyfriend nor did have one. I only settled myself by having crushes. Sometimes, I really did have a crush on someone but more often, nakikisabay lang ako. 'Yong tipong sasabihin mo nalang na may crush ka kasi 'yong nakapaligid sa'yo, parang lahat sila may lovelife na tapos ikaw lang wala. Then sometimes I wondered about the feeling of having a boyfriend. Or having someone to take care of you aside from your family, to love you, to be concern about you, or someone who would make you feel those things that they say "butterflies in the stomach". I only experienced those "kiligs" in the stories I read and then wondered if I will ever experience those kind of love. But then, a thought would interrupt me, saying that I wasn't ready for those.
When I was young, my parents would always remind us that we should not get a boyfriend until we don't finish our studies. Saying that it would just distract us and may hinder us from achieving our dreams. We followed it--I followed it, because clearly, my parents only wanted what's the best for us. And I think that's great. Preventing your child into having regrets in the future. Before, I only followed it because my parents says so but then when I grow up, naisip ko na hindi ako handa sa mga ganoong bagay. I feared that I might not be able to handle it and I might mess up because certainly, I want to prioritize my studies. I don't have anything against students with boyfriends. I just think that I couldn't juggle studying while being in a relationship. Being committed means that the couple is responsible with each other and that they should invest their emotion with their partner.
Even with all those thoughts, even with my decision of not planning to be in a relationship, I would often think (especially when I encountered couples being sweet with each other) what it feels. What if feels to be committed, to be having someone saying how much they adore you, having someone to take care of you and you taking care of them, or having someone making you feel secured and to be dependent to them.
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Love and falling in love is both a wonderful and a scary feeling. It makes us strong but at the same time, makes us vulnerable. It's either it fix us or destroy us. It's wonderful because loving or being in love makes us feel things and scary because in the duration of giving our love to our other half, we might give our all and leave nothing to ourselves.
