Hatred

Hatred is such a complicated feeling.

Other than the dishonesty that comes out of my mouth, the toxic words seem to find their way to be spoken out loud, and at the end of the day, all I did is hurt someone's feelings whether I want it or not.

I hate a lot of things. My perfectionist father, my annoying brother, noisy girls, brainless people, and this stupid never ending snow. As I recall, there's a lot of things I'm not particularly fond of. Perhaps, it would take some time for me to remove these hatred on the said things; just like how you can't get over the ending of your favorite TV show, trying to remove these negative feelings might take some time for me.

But, there's something—no, someone that I despise the most.

We first met when I was 8 (nearly turning 9, but there was a 7 month gap until my birthday) she was just a six year old kid in my eyes that day. Every vacation, her family visits our neighborhood to spend the ridiculously hot summer at her aunt's house. At first, I wasn't really noticing her, but due to our mutual friend Mary Elizabeth she was suddenly added up to our circle; often spending the afternoons at the hut of Mary's place (which we started calling our very own secret base).

In all honesty, every time we part ways during the end of summer, the chance of meeting each other next is not a hundred percent sure, we just know it will occur, that the next summer vacation, she'll be right there, at our doorstep, doing the same doorbell pattern that I've come to hate because it's annoyingly loud.

I actually hated her. I hated that crybaby childhood friend of mine. I hated her tears. I hated her laugh. I hated her cheery attitude. I hated how she can read me. I hated how she always understood my pessimism. I hated her whole being.

I walked around the snow covered asphalt, today I am nowhere near her. I'm at the other side of the world, a million miles away from her. Tomorrow when I wake up there won't be any annoying doorbells to make me all giddy. Tomorrow, her smile won't be there to remind me it's summer. Tomorrow won't feel like a Friday. Tomorrow, I will be greeted with this dirty, cold, snow.

I hated the snow.

One, it's cold. Two, there's not a single fond memory I could remember about it and three. It reminds me of her. It reminds me of the bitter truth that we won't be meeting each other anymore. Once again, I saw her smile in my head; along with the despair-inducing pain inside my chest.

"Hatred is very confusing." I whispered to no one in particular before breathing out, a smoke coming out of my mouth.

My phone rang, it took me a while before I pulled it out of my pocket and open the message that I got. As I realized who the message was from my throat felt dry. Gulping, my finger managed to find its way to open it.

From: Tracy
Subject: Don't ignore this!

Guess what day it is today!
December 24th, yup!

Happy Birthday, Luke! Tell Luis the same thing, too!

Sorry I'm not there to celebrate your birthday with you, you're like, soooooo far away from here! Anways, have a great birthday!

P.S. Congratulations for turning 18!

---

"Bye bye. Thanks for the past 18 years of looking out for me."

"And..."

"I love you."

My chest began to tighten, and my lungs began to beg for air. I was suffocating. I couldn't breathe well. Gasping for air turned into hiccups, hiccups turned into tears, and tears turned into sobs.

Just for at least once, why am I such a coward and kept neglecting my feelings? I was such a big jerk on her. Regret? Despair? I'm currently drowning in them. Nothing mattered anymore. I'm broken. Shattered. Lost.

What about her, then?

Wiping the tears and deciding it's not the time to be a cowardice anymore, I ran towards the airport. And luckily enough, I still had the chance to meet her.

"Oh." She muttered with a surprise face "Th-Thanks for sending me off." She stated and I crossed my arms, trying my best to look like I didn't run from that place to the airport. "Nah. I'm just here to kill time." I answered and she giggled "Haha. If you say so."

---

"Go away!" I shouted stubbornly at her and proceeded on walking. She stopped for a moment, but I heard her trudge her way. Until sunset, all she did was to follow me around. What an idiot. At some point I looked back on my shoulder and she would give me that stupid smile of hers. I stopped as she ran towards me. Holding out her hand, she had a warm smile plastered on her face. "Let's go home,'kay?"

---

It's fine if you don't know about my feelings. It's better if you simply stay at the light and leave me at the dark.

"It's time to go, Tracy."

"Oh. Okay then." She looked at me with a smile.

Here's hoping.

"Goodbye,"

I wish you the best,

"Luke."

My dearest,
Beloved,

Best friend.

---

I hate her. I hate that lame girl named Tracy. I hate her smile. I hate her laugh. I hate her cheery attitude. I hate her whole being.

I hate you.

I hate you?

No, that's not right, I—

I love you.