Short Stories

By The Time You Find This I'll Be Dead

~This one has an odd ending, because I started it as a story and then lost motivation. I was not in a good place when I wrote this, and I want you to know that this is not a good way to think. You are loved, and needed.

~On that note, there is a suicide trigger (talking about it). Please be careful while reading, lots of love!

By The Time You Find This I'll Be Dead

I had been planning this since I was a small child. When I had learned what death was. I was nine when I realized what being an adult was. It had been painful to think about living past 18, past the age of freedom. On that day, I had decided to kill myself when I turned 18.

I'm not suicidal. I have a good life. My mother cares about me and so does my dad. I have incredible friends. It's not suicidal to plan your death, is it? People talk about death like it is the worst thing that could possibly happen. I guess I don't value lives on the scale others do.

Many of my friends took special pills to help them with their suicidal tendencies. My counselor asked me if I needed anything like that. Being lazy doesn't make me need pills, does it? Why would I want to live past the best parts of life? Some things that made sense for others didn't make sense to me.

My best friend, Callie, had her whole life planned out. It... didn't include me. None of my friends' lives included me. They were all going away to different colleges. They were all going to leave me. Growing up was a lot of work. A lot of work was put into making your life good. Valuing life was a lot of work.

So, I decided not to. On my 18th birthday I was going to end it. But before that, I was going to make my life memorable.

I was going out with a bang.

Now

I squinted down at the piece of paper. I had never cared about grades. But my friend, Callie, had convinced me to try and do the math homework with her. We were on a call. I stared up at her small picture in the corner of my phone.

"Cal, I have no idea what you're saying." I sighed heavily. "What is this?"

"Math, girlie, math. Come on, just try it out." She twirls her long pink hair around her finger. I smiled softly. She was cute.

"Ugh, I want a hug. I can't do this."

"Please try! I promise I'll make you be able to graduate. Then we can graduate together!" She bites the tip of her pen. "Please?"

"Callie... fine. You're incredibly difficult to say no to." I roll my eyes and stare back down at the paper.

"Yeah, I know. You've said that before." She writes something on her paper.

"Did you get the answer?"

"Yeah, why?"

"What did you get?"

"4x39."

"Thank you for the answer!" I wrote it down on my paper.

She scoffs at me. "Cheater! You tricked me!"

"Not like I'll actually turn this in anyway." I think back to the promise I had made to myself. My 18th birthday was coming up around the corner. It was a week away.

"No, you must! It'll raise your grade a little bit. For me?" She lifts her phone to give me puppy dog eyes.

"You..." I growl. "Fine. Fine."

I felt bad for lying to her. But the truth was, I wasn't going to be in school for the next week. I had things to prepare. My birthday was this Friday. It was currently Saturday.

"But we are seeing each other tomorrow, right?" I asked nervously. It would be my last time seeing her. I was planning on confessing, to get it over with before I was gone.

"Oh, damnit. My grandma is coming over tomorrow. I can't. How about Wednesday?"

"I'm busy for the rest of the week." I say quickly. She glances up at me suspiciously.

"Okay then..." She picks up her phone. "I have to go, Lenn. See you at school?"

"Sure." I smiled the realest smile I could, before hanging up.

My mouth falls back into a frown. I guess I wasn't going to be able to confess to her. Oh well. I pushed back from my desk. My plan was going to go into action soon enough. For now, I wanted to get drunk at a club. I wanted to do everything that would normally ruin my life. It didn't matter if I was going to end it soon enough.

I had invited my 22-year-old friend. I met him online, and we had never met before. He thought I was his age. We were going to finally meet and get drunk together. I opened my drawers. What did normal people wear to clubs?

I decided on a short leather skirt with fishnet stockings under it. I put on a black crop top I had cut the sleeves off, making it a tube top. I layered on chain jewelry and put my shoulder length hair up in a bun. I zipped up my black platform boots and grabbed my bag.

I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked over to the window. It was 9:00 pm, and we were supposed to meet at the club at 9:15. It was a ten-minute drive from my house. An uber waited outside my house. I opened the window and dropped my bag to the ground. I was two stories up.

I jumped out the window as quietly as I could. I landed on my feet, wincing at the sudden shock of the ground. I picked up my bag and ran over to the car. It was already dark outside. My house was lit up. I wasn't scared my parents would see me. I wanted them to. I wanted them to know. It didn't matter anyway.

Then I left to ruin my life.

~I hope that all of you are safe and getting enough love. You are all loved by me, don't worry. Please stay safe, my loves.

~Ciao!

~Elle <33