Diary || Jeongin angst ✔️

the last

words: 1446

written: 16.2.2023

a/n: its pretty sad tbh💀

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last page..

7.8.2022

I said i wouldn't and that i would try, now i am here, writing again for the last time, It's selfish isn't it? Wanting to die when other people can't even decide on that. It probably is, but why trying more when u did for years and nothing ever has found an end? All of the ''Don't worry! It'll be just fine!'' was nothing but a lie for my whole life, all of those years being told to keep my head up was just ever nothing but false hope that led me to being miserable as ever. I know for sure that a few of them meant it and wanted me to not give up but i guess it never worked. All these words i've gotten ever since kept being at the back of my head and seem to be stronger as anything else i've been told. I'd say those we're my friends, Chan, Changbin, Felix, Minho, Seungminnie, Hyunjin and Hannie. They always told me that and when they saw that it didn't help they tried to comfort me in many different ways!

Chan often took me into his arms, into a warm hug and patted my back. No matter how old i was he never stopped doing that and i am thankful for that. His hugs are some of the best! He also told me often while hugging how much i grew and how good i developed myself and my singing and dancing. It made me feel good for the moment..

Minho usually cooked my favourite food or we got some take out or McDonalds and watched a lot of movies or series until i fell asleep at the end. I know that he doesn't show his love and affection in skin-ship so i loved it even more, spending time with him was truly calming.

Changbin talked to me a lot. Often about that i shouldn't listen to what others say and always believe in myself and my own beliefs, that's the only right because other people don't have the right to make others feel bad or sad about themselves. Making others feeling insecure is wrong and i shouldn't take to heart what others say..he said i grew up so well ever since he knew me. I'm so glad that i was able to be his friend in my life!

Hyunjin always made many jokes, hugged me a lot, more like attacked me with his hugs calling me cute all over again. We watch a lot of Marvel or just eat snacks and talk when he tries to comfort me on his own. Just his tries and his sometimes low jokes have to make me laugh. He also uses his body a lot to tell jokes or a story which also distracts me from all those bad thoughts i had there for a second. His love for flour gets worse when he tries to comfort.

Hannie can be either serious in comforting or be the most funniest guy though that is very similar to Seungmins way of comforting me. Jisung often jokes around for a few rounds before he talks to me more serious telling me i am and always was good enough for them and for myself and that i never should think otherwise. We usually watch our favourite movie together to feel better.

Yongbok and I always and i mean always baked. Cookies, Brownies or whatever we wanted to try. I really love his Brownies so we baked them a lot. They're truly delicious! He's very talented in baking and i enjoy watching him doing that too so it happens often that i just sit there, watch and we talk about random but good topics that come up in ours head.

Seungminnie actually often came up to me and hugged me a lot when i was down and not feeling well and i enjoyed his hugs a lot. Him and I often just lied down in one of he others bed and talked. He told me that if i was feeling down or whenever i want to i should put my head onto his stomach. When i did, he patted my head gently and we talked at first what i was struggling with.. kinda, after we started to bicker a lot again and had to laugh many times!

All of them had different ways of comforting, but all of them were effective in that moment. When i was alone though it was the worst. All those thoughts coming up and i wasn't able to find a way to stop them. Trying to think about my members words and not let them get into me but it was to late already in any way. People have been saying "you're not good enough and you won't ever be", "You're useless, you're just a hole filler for this group", "they hate you just like we do", "You're ugly" and more things so often that i can't help but believe it. If they were right or wrong doesn't matter anymore now anyways. I can live in peace soon.

Seungmin, remember when u once walked out of my room but noticed those bloody tissues in my trash? I told u that i fell and had a wound on my knee now what was true, the lie was that the blood just wasn't from that wound. I never thought back then that i would ever even just have the idea of hurting myself but i kept doing it. I just i couldn't stop, it feel like I'm free for the moment i did it, it released the pain, or it at least felt like it. I've been doing that on my thighs which should be the reason none of you have noticed anything. When it hurtet i tried to keep a poker face the best as possible, seems like it worked very well didn't it..

I was scared lots of times, the most when you guys touched my thighs, I thought you could feel the wounds through the cloth but I'm glad you couldn't. What would you think of me? That was the question that probably scared me the most. What if i spoke up to you and told you what has been going on for those years. Would you still love me like you do now? Or would u despise me, think the same things others would and say that I am selfish of doing this? I think i am, but i can't live on like this anymore. It's been too long and the pain only grew. I've gotten a lot of threatening messages as well.. my Phone pin is ####, you'll find the messages under iMessages or on Instagram. On bubble were a lot of stays too, telling me i am a hole filler, that i'm useless and should die. They got want they wanted, i hope they can be happy.

I may be going and be able to rest now, i don't want you guys to live sad forever if you do. All of you are at a meeting right now, i went home earlier because i didn't feel well. Under your beds are boxes. I've made each one personalized for you guys. It'll be the last gift so i wanted it to be something you guys will be remember and i can be proud of. Theres also a letter for each. Do whatever you want with those things, please never forget that i love you all and that you always had and will have a special place in my heart. Seungmin, if you want it or not, now you are the Maknae in StrayKids, please get babied a lot!! Hehe, now, i think it's time, please take care of yourselfs and make them proud!

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Seungmin closed the book, tears streaming down his face while he cried, silent screams out of his mouth. His friends funeral just ended and he brought his diary with him. Reading through the last page after seeing Jeongin's dead body in the casket was the worst. All off the members where crying and Chan kneeled down to Seungmin and hugged him tight, letting the younger male breaking down into his arms. Soon the others joined and group hugged, sobs were able to be heard from the left coming from his Mother, Father and his two Brothers. After 20 minutes and their breaths becoming stable again, Seungmin still in Chans arms whispered a "I'll do anything to make you proud, I'll do my best, Jeongin". Chan patted his back before he broke the hug "let's go home, hm..?".