꧁ Danielle's POV ꧂
Today mirrored every other, leaving me feeling empty. There was no joy, no significant exasperating feeling, nothing to lift my spirits or make me look forward to the next day.
I understand I should find joy in the little things, but it's challenging. I'm weary, and the days seem like replicas of one another.
Ever since Haerin visited, I've been skipping classes regularly, not out of laziness but from sheer burnout.
School has lost the appeal, my dream job no longer captivates me, and everything feels pointless.
Each day, I yearn to return home and do nothing. I desire to lie in bed, trapped in an endless cycle.
These constant reminders invade my thoughts, preying on my fragile emotions and heart, leaving me shattered. I'm at a loss for what to do.
My friends offer comfort and endless advice, but it doesn't matter anymore. I never cared. I don't seek improvement. I strangely find solace in the darkness, as I always have.
Yet, I can't dismiss their advice bluntly. Doing so would make me feel terrible, revealing a side of myself I'd rather keep hidden.
"Danielle, hey," Hanni nudges me in my seat. I glance at her, puzzled. "Are you okay? You've been zoning out for a while," she observes.
Oh.
I hadn't realized I was in class. Just moments before, I could have sworn I was in bed.
"I'm okay," I tell her, smiling. Hanni sees through it. As of late, my life has been a cascade of lies.
It's evident to anyone paying attention. "You sure?" she persists, and I hum in response. "Remember, I'm here if you need anything," she offers.
I frown inwardly at the thought. I would never ask for Hanni's help. My life has been a constant battle with conflict. I'm scared to ask for help.
Hanni's gaze isn't as playful as it once was. I've noted that her expressions are now etched with worry or concern when she's with me, which is irritating.
I wish our interactions could return to normal so she could believe I was honestly okay.
"Jihye, are you feeling unwell?" Professor Kim quietly asks, approaching me as he eyes my untouched canvas.
I shake my head and finally grasp my paintbrush, yet it remains still.
Both Hanni and Professor Kim are looking at me now. My grip tightens around the brush, and I close my eyes, trying to steady my racing heart.
It's okay, I'm fine.
"Do you need to step outside for a moment?" he suggests. Without a word, I hasten out of the room, shutting the door behind me and leaning against it, exhaling deeply.
That was close.
I collapse onto the floor, drawing my knees to my chest, and take a deep breath. A sigh of relief escapes me.
"Hey," Hanni says, emerging from the loud room and offering a gentle smile.
"I thought you might want some company," she whispers, her voice quivering slightly as she sits beside me on the cold floor.
"What's going on, Danielle?" she asks rhetorically. "What do you mean?" I respond, aware that my attempt at nonchalance is failing miserably.
"The zoning out earlier, the unexpected call on Saturday night, your near breakdown in front of Professor Kim, and you ignoring my calls and messages. Something is up, Danielle. This isn't like you." Hanni rambles.
I could only stare blankly at her as she listed off everything. I didn't care anymore.
This felt like the proper response. "I don't care, unnie," I mumble, turning my head away. "What?" She lifted her head from the wall.
"I said I don't care anymore," I repeated, this time louder.
She appeared not to grasp my words. She narrowed her eyes briefly before facing me again. "Don't care about what?"
I whipped my head towards her. "I don't care about the stupid calls, the stupid messages, or the outbursts I have because none of it changes the fact that I have to live another day!"
Hanni's eyes, filled with sorrow, met mine, almost as if she couldn't fathom what I had just said. She was trying to decipher me.
"I'm sorry," I said weakly, fighting back tears. Hanni just watched as I stood up to leave. I was heading back to my dorm room to wither away.
Because I felt like the worst person in the world.
"Danielle, wait," she called after me. I didn't stop or turn to look at her. "I care, Danielle," Hanni said conclusively.
"I've always cared. Please understand that." Halting, I tried to comprehend that Hanni honestly did care. She had always been there for me, offering me a chance to express my feelings.
But that didn't matter now.
