Upheaval Of Souls

Ending The Pain

It had been two days since the commotion had happened. Annika left no stone unturned in trying to keep Shivaay comfortable.  Her whole day would be centered around him.

The first day after the sedation incident  had been a bit hard, as she saw Shivaay being completely statuesque. For those hours, she felt as if her love was not able to break the walls of his feeling of insecurities. All her efforts of keeping a strong posture broke into pieces when Shivaay jerked away from her touch that night. 

Shivaay had been sleeping due to the effect of his medicines, it was the moment when Annika thought she could get her comfort,  her comfort meant his touch and encumbrance.  So, she had taken steps towards him, she softly tried to place her head on his chest, so that she gains the strength to fight the battles ahead.

The moon cannot have an Illumination until it derives it from the Sun.

Her moment of calm became the second of horror for her when Shivaay started to jerk himself away from her, as a reflex. Though,  he regained himself instantly and held her hand to show that he feels completely safe with her , that split second reaction was enough to tear Annika's soul. She immediately masked her emotions with a smile, but a stubborn tear did escape from her eye.

To her surprise, the very next day, Shivaay stared behaving completely normal. He started smiling. He started showing anger. He started exhibiting his perfectionist traits. Everyone became extremely delighted by his behavior, but somehow Annika couldn't accept whatever was happening.
She tried her best to read his eyes, but Shivaay had skillfully avoided eye contact with her by keeping himself extremely busy.
She could feel it on her heart, that something wasn't right, but she wasn't able to pin point the same.

Darkness had taken over, and it was time to succumb into slumber. Annika was walking back to her room, with her mind taken over by a turmoil.

How would Shivaay take them sleeping together tonight?
How would she handle the situation,  she can't even let him sleep alone?

The continous stress had taken a toll over her, which she kept hidden, but there was someone who could read it all.

To her surprise, she was welcomed in their room, by Shivaay's voice,  calling her to join him on the bed.
There was something unnatural of his tone, she had never heard him speak this way.
Before she could think of anything, Shivaay took her into her arms , as they settled comfortably on the bed.
It barely took Annika 2 minutes to fall asleep, as she heard the sound of comfort, his heartbeats.

As he felt her relax, he looked at her with a longing stare, he didn't realize when he started to cry.
Whatever happened the last night, gave him a rude shock , he understood won't be able to be his past self whatever he does. Annika's tear felt like a knife slicing his breath, slowly.  He was already a worthless human,  an untrustworthy husband and now he was just increasing her pain by his reactions. Annika didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve a life centered around taking care of him, where he won't be of any help. She  deserves a free and happy life.

He placed a kiss on her forehead, his lips lingered there for a long time . Gently, he lifted her head from his chest and placed  her head on the pillow. He grabbed the medicines kept on the side table, and went, memorizing her glance. He had promised himself to protect her, he was going to do it, whatever it may require.

Annika felt someone smothering her, her breaths were fading away . She clutched the bedsheet tight , trying to regain her breath . She woke up with a jerk, she felt as if her heart would rip out any moment. She looked around to see the bed empty.

" Shivaay"
She screamed and ran towards the terrace, where her instincts guided her.
Her legs faltered as she saw him unconscious on the ground,  his medicines bottle laying open besides his lifeless palm. She started feeling dizzy , held the railing to support herself.
She gained herself back, she knew he needed her.

With all courage, she went close to him and put her fingers near his nose. She let out a sigh as she felt his warm breath collide her soft fingers.
It was not all lost .
She  immediately lifted him, while cupping his face and placed his head on her lap.
With shivering hands , she caught her phone and called Om.

Shivaay was rushed to the hospital , the doctors checked him thoroughly.  The  doctor came out came out and shared that that Shivaay was fine,  and now was umconscious to due to impact of over sedation. Annika was about to rush to his room when the doctor suggested her to visit their psychologist, Om accompanied Annika for the same.

"Take a seat" Dr. Arora muttered.
Om And Annika settled on the chair  while Om continued to fidget with the chair arm. Annika,sat with full confidence,  placing her hands On the table.
Dr.Arora slid a chit of paper towards Annika's end.
"We found this in Shivaay's fist"

"I Love You Annika, Always"
Annika read, as she opened the chit. Her vision started clouding, she bit her lower lip to stop the cloud from bursting.

"I am almost clear about what this means...."
Dr.Arora's words were cut short as Om shouted
" My brother is too strong, he can never think of suicide"
His brother was the one who pulled him out of the darkness, he can never be the one to drown in the black hole.
" I am not coming into any conclusion, and thus I called Mrs Annika, I wanted to understand Shivaay's psyche,  his mechanisms and thought processes. Could you both brief me about his history, major events of his life, etc."

Dr.Arora Patiently heard both of them for about an hour, making notes of everything they spoke about.
Once they stopped speaking , he went through his notes, trying to highlight the major patterns and beliefs of Shivaay.

" So Om, you are right. Mr.Shivaay is extremely strong, and the strength comes out of his innate need to protect the people around. He has built himself to be a wall, to have all of you behind him, so that you won't face even a small portion of what he faces. Everyone has some meaning and purpose in their lives, for your brother it is about protecting all of you. Thus, I completely get you when you say that he can not be suicidal, he knows he has to stay strong and well so that you all can be fine. But the thin line here is,
He keeps himself safe and protected for  you all and not for himself. The incident has made him feel that he no longer can protect his family, erasing the meaning of his life. Shivaay has nothing like 'self' with regards to his family, he is selfless."
Tears started to flow from Om's eyes, hough he knew about Shivaay's sacrifices but he never understood his state of mind.
He felt Annika caress his hair, just like Shivaay would do, so that he feels comforted.

" Coming to you Mrs.Annika, he would have been in a better state even after losing his purpose of life if he felt that he makes you happy. You are the only selfish desire of his life. But there a limit of him being selfish with you too. He would give his happiness a priority only when he is certain that you are twice as happy as he is. You are beyond his purpose of life, you are the reason for his existence, a part of his soul.  Sadly, now he feels that he is not an unworthy husband, but rather a trash husband.  There is whole image of mental seperation in his mind , where he feels you are suffering with him"
Annika closed her eyes, the information she just received was too overwhelming for her. She imagined herself being in his arms, her safe place, to be ready ro face the further information. 

" Regarding suicidal behavior,  from what you both talked about, he has an heart issue right, and it is not hereditary. So, it is quite clear that his subconscious manifested it for himself, this was the first sign of his self deteriorating channelisation of emotions. He wouldn't show complete suicidal behavior,  because he had to protect you all.
Even after that responsibility , he did engage into such behaviors after Mrs.Annika left him right. He never had the security to show his emotions openly, his all traumas surface into these behaviors.  "
Annika gulped down, her husband loved her too much,  she just wished he loved himself as much.

" So this is what I guaged about him, my motive was to make you aware about him, so that you know his triggers and for his safety "

" I will always keep him protected"
Annika said firmly, as she clenched her fist hard.