Our song.

Alternative Love songs.

     Lia and I had always been close, like two peas in a pod or how whoever says it. But after i moved that was it. My mental state seemed to just never be the same, and i couldn't function if i wasnt at leas thinking somewhat of her. I spent every single day after moving obsessing over the thought of her. NOT her, but thinking about her. On the plane ride to my new prison sentence i practically saw her sitting a row over, talking to an old lady about gods know what. I watched her, the whole time. Wanting her to look at me and smile her pretty smile or at least acknowledge that i existed to her. But she didnt. The lady got up, walking to the bathroom and when she came back and sat back in her seat next to that old woman that i know smelled like stale caramels, she wasn't Lia. She was some brunette yeah, but she wasnt my brunette. She was not Lia. The girl that begged me to dye my hair to match hers when she had dyed a streak of purple into hers.

     I was stubborn, but so was she. And it was fucking annoying. She wanted something she was gonna have it. No matter what or who she had to go through, she always figured out a way to get it. But if she wanted me so fucking much she might have tried. But no. I was still dreaming about her well through highschool.

     In my 2nd year of highschool i had started seeing a girl. Yes, she was a short brunette with a shitty fucking attitude like Lia's. But no matter how much i tried to love her i just couldnt. She didnt have that little dimple like Lia did on her back. She didnt struggle to put rubber bands on her braces like Lia. Nothing she did was like lia. Maybe except bug me about being more. She was upset that i hadn't asked her to some stupid dance, but i had already told the girl i didnt want to go because the price of tickets were outrageous. No. Not my money, i was just fine sitting at home and dealing with my mom pester me about not having any pictures of me to put into her damn photo albums. Fuck her photo albums.

     When i started seeing Lia i didnt think much, i thought maybe i just missed her. But missing someone entails a hurting heart or crying when you think about them. But it wasn't like that. When i thought about Lia. I wanted to see her cry. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it was the fact that she didnt cry in front of just anybody. Only ever me. Only ever to me. She only ever cried to me when i was holding her and making her feel better about herself by telling her things she needed to hear, "you're perfect just the way you are, no need to change for that asshole" Fuck that asshole. "He didnt deserve your love or your time. You are too precious" I deserve your time, you are my precious. Everything i had said to her to make her feel lighter about the situation was everything i would be saying to her if we were in some sort of relationship. But we weren't. Because she was out kissing guys that didnt need her, getting attention from people that weren't me. Oh well. I'm at least happy she came to me when things went wrong. So then i could tell her about how happy she should be with the perfect person and how she was gonna find the right one, get married and have kids. Live a long life with me and raise those little bundles of joy. I didnt tell her that, at least i didnt put 'with me'. It was always a questionable man in her future. I guess.

     I loved wiping her tears, she used to joke that if i caught enough of her tears maybe i could drink them, or use them to bathe. Her humour was twisted like that. But it was cute. She was constantly making some stupid joke about me feeding her to cats when she fell in love with the wrong guy. Weird i know. But part of me used to think that maybe it was because she was letting me see a part of her that no one else was ever gonna see. That something dark and twisted in her. The one that used to write names of boys she loved in a book, and smear her blood on it. I know i know. Youre thinking she'd fucking nuts! But it doesnt seem like it had worked right? I mean up until recently she hadn't had a boyfriend that lasted longer then 4 months. No. Not until the new guy she's been posting about on her social media. His name is supposed to be some fucking cringy nature name. Like River. Or something. I honestly could care less. Anyway. She posts about the hikes they take to whatever stupid mountain in the middle of nowhere. Showing videos of him shot gunning a joint with her. If you dont know what that is then look it up moron. Sorry. I know this journal diary shit is only meant for me to see. But i also know that you as my therapist is gonna see it. So sorry, you're not really a moron. But you do smell weird. Something between start of mold and those little pellets you put into the dryer. The nature smelling ones that actually never end up smelling natural at all. So sorry. But i think some people need to live a little. At least smoke a joint before you turn 14 like i did. Because she showed me.