Try

Prologue

"They say : Destroy what destroys you. So I did. I destroyed myself"
- Anonymous

"It's been hard for you. I know, and it makes me sad that you don't see yourself in the way I see you. Sometimes there are things in life that cause us to lose ourselves, and the way you have us unimaginably painful. I miss your smile and how the whole room would light up with just the sound of your laughter. I miss how you accepted the way you looked in the mirror without cursing at yourself about how ugly you looked. I miss how you didn't think of yourself as a failure because everyone makes mistakes, we all have flaws, and we aren't perfect. It's painful to see that no one around you seems to see the pain through your eyes except me. I see how heavy your heart is, how comforting the sadness for you might be, and how afraid your heart is of happiness because it disappears in the end. You don't know how much impact you have in this world, and it's sad to see that your demons fight against you and want to take over you. Because you make a difference. A small smile on your lips, the way you look at things you're passionate about, or the way you make yourself eat even though it's been hard for you lately, the way you zoom out and go into your world. You brighten up my world by just listening to this, it means a lot to me that you're here, existing. But I don't want you to exist because you deserve to feel alive. You deserve to get up in the morning and feel good about yourself. You deserve to feel something, and you deserve to feel every damn second alive in this lifetime. It's heartbreaking that you think you're unworthy of love because you are. I love you through all my words, and I hope you let it happen in your heart. Love is scary, I know, and maybe your heart has been broken once, and since, you want to be rather numb than feel it again. It hurts me how you punish yourself. It's not your fault that the demons want to take over your beautiful heart. You're not a bad person for distancing yourself from the others, but you deserve someone to talk to, and you deserve someone who can listen. I am listening. You can tell me what's wrong. It's everything right? Something is just pulling your heartstrings to the ground, and no one seems to understand how misunderstood you feel. It's heartbreaking to know that you will jump if I come closer and that I can't give you a hug to try and make you feel better. You matter Emily. You are worthy. You are lived. You deserve good things. You deserve to eat and drink. You deserve to feel good and alive. You deserve a smile. You deserve a hug. You deserve to be all the things you want to be because you deserve to have and feel good things happening to you, and you deserve to have a fulfilled and long life. I know you think I don't. But I do care about you. So much. Why am I saying all this? I'm saying all this because you need to stay here with me. Hold on a little longer because you matter so much to me, and I will not let you give up on yourself. I want you to see that you should not give up on yourself because you deserve good things. I want you to look back on the time when you were a kid, and you didn't give up when you tried to swim for the first time, you didn't give up when you tried to walk for the first time and fell, you never gave up on yourself, you always kept on pushing forwards, so why can't you now? I know it's tiring, you're mentally tired. But doesn't your younger self deserve good things? Look back at your eyes that used to be full of hope, and look back on those dreams. Don't let yourself fall because you deserve better. We will both fight, and I will fight for you. I won't let those demons get to you. You can hold on to me because I won't let you down. Whenever you feel lonely, look at the sky, and I'll always look at it and think about you. Yes. You. Because it makes me happy that someone is looking back, and that's enough for me because that would mean that your heart is still beating and that you're still fighting. You're so much stronger than you think. And you belong here, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Think of yourself as a star when you feel alone. You shine because your heart is good. No matter what mistake you made, no matter about the past you had. You're one of the stars that shine bright in the universe because your heart is beautiful and that's the reason why the demons in your mind want to have it. You're a star to me. Maybe you don't see it yourself, but you're beautiful, and your body is beautiful the way it is. I know I said a lot of I Hope because I have hope for you even if you don't. I see hope in you everyday even though you want to give up. That's why I hope you'll see the world in colors again. I hope I will give you a glimpse of hope and make the world you see a bit more colorful today. You're safe here with me. You're not useless and you are not a burden to anyone. You're not a problem, you're human, and your feelings are valid. No, you're not being dramatic. I know it's hard. You deserve so much Em. Don't let your emotions control you. Don't let them get the best of you. I am sorry no one is noticing, and I wish I could take your pain away for today and the days after. I am so proud of you. You're still listening to me and it's enough for me to be proud of you. You're here. You need to realize how strong you are for breathing despite the pain. I believe in you. All I want for you is to stay here. No I'm not lying. I mean all my words. You are worth every fucking cent in this words. Baby, it's human to cry. You can cry your heart out as much as you want, it will help. Just don't let it tear you down. Don't let your emotions control you by giving up. No it's not. Crying isn't a weakness. I'm happy you're here. I love you. Please stay here"

That's the last thing I told you before you killed yourself.

I was just behind you on the roof. I didn't manage to keep you safe as our parents asked me to. I know life hasn't been nice to us. Losing our parents at such a young age is traumatizing. And their murder doesn't help with the trauma. I think, according to mom's last words, she believed that you would be completely safe with me 'Take care and protect your sister' she said. Yeah, well, I'm sorry I failed you both. I should've done more for you. Aunt Corrinne wasn't good for us. All of her comments on the facts that's we looked just like mom were, in my opinion, only to make us understand that she didn't like our presence are her house and that, in a way, she was blaming us for being the ones who survived the home invasion. And, yeah, we got through it in a way. But you and I both know that our normal life was over.

When we managed to move our of Corrinne's place, I was doing my best to gain money for us while having to go to school so that we could stay on our own, but my inexperience was a problem. I tried to keel a brave face for you. But I guess I'm not that good of a liar because you saw right through my main. And in the end, you were in pain just as a consequence of mine. I should have done more for you. This whole thing is just pure irony. I was trying to do my best to keep us away from Corrinne so that we could have been happy together, but this whole thing ended up hurting you more and more, and now I'm all alone. And damnit Emily... without you, I have no one.