The Shadows of Starlight

Chapter Three

More was meant to happen in this chapter but I got kind of carried away (I guess I missed writing in Val's POV lol) so it got long enough that I decided to post this part now and write more in the next chapter. There's not much action in this and it's somewhat repetitive but I do think it's important for Val to come to terms with her situation. Thank you for reading, and please be mindful of the trigger warnings in the description of this book, especially for future chapters <3

Valerie Lux

When consciousness seeps back in, I don't immediately remember where I am. It's a moment of bliss; with my eyes closed, I can pretend.

Then, of course, I remember. Reality suffocates me. I open my eyes in a terrible panic; when I try to sit up, I nearly scream. Instead, I bite down on the insides of my cheeks so hard that the familiar taste of blood fills my mouth.

The pain that shears through me, encompasses me, is so intense that I instinctively curl up, drawing my knees to my chest and burying my sore face in my trembling hands.

I wait, suspended in silence and terror, to hear the slight lull of too-familiar breath, to feel a hand press against my broken skin or fingers thread in my hair. Please, I beg silently, desperate enough to call on the Gods. Please let me be alone. Please please please—

Nothing. Relief shatters through me, so potent it brings tears to my eyes.

Manar isn't here.

Slowly, I relax my limbs, like a corpse unwillingly coming back to life. The breath shudders out of me. But the trembling doesn't stop; the pain doesn't cease.

Memories surface, almost tentatively, like bubbles in a pond, as if even my mind wants to spare me from facing everything. Soon, they will become waves. Soon, they will drown me.

I cannot let them. Weakness means death.

It doesn't matter. I repeat the words in my mind, an impenetrable mantra, a fortress to keep the terrors at bay. None of it matters. Your suffering is nothing. Why would you let it impede you? You cannot undo what has already been done; you can only move past it like a ship skimming over an ocean's waves, quick and steadfast, never wavering.

With a deep breath, I unfurl from myself as if I'm a dead, wilted flower trying desperately to bloom one final time. I have to suppress a scream of agony as I peel myself off of the sheets; the lashes on my back were never bandaged last night, so my blood dried into the sheet, which makes sitting up feel like ripping off another layer of my flesh.

I feel slightly better once I'm on my feet. The floor is solid, not swaying beneath me like it was last night. But then the new, aching chasm inside me stretches open, and my vision tunnels, the colors of the room around me blurring into a tumultuous haze. I stumble, and when I bend to grab onto a chair for balance, the pain that sears down my back makes my knees buckle.

Half of my soul has been ripped away. I am empty, bereft, broken. Reduced. The loss is staggering, a gaping abyss sucking away everything that I am. I am nothing without my magic, nothing but a hollow shell. This isn't like being chained with Lychnus—it's just gone, and I can hardly breathe, hardly think. I want to tear at my dark hair until the knotted strands fall around me like a pair of clipped wings, for all it now is is a reminder of the power I gained then lost, my shattered identity.

Desperation seizes me; I find the strength to push myself upwards without collapsing once again. I scan the room around me with more focus this time, searching for my only chance at salvation.

My surroundings are dark and neat and opulent. It's clear that I'm in Manar's chambers; after all, where else would he have brought me for such a glorious occasion as our wedding night? The windows on the far side of the room are boarded shut yet still covered by black curtains; all light is absent, which I didn't notice at first because I can see in the darkness. Though the shadows mock me and my ringed, powerless state, I'm still grateful for them. They make me feel a semblance of safety, press in a feeling of false shelter.