That Kiss - Emison

Drunk Dial

Alison's POV:

I have always loved myself. I do love myself. I am popular, pretty, I am confident. You'd think I have everything that I could want. It's not easy being the it girl, I've worked for it. But I cant help but feel strange about myself recently. Like I now see myself differently. I know I am strong, but right now, I don't feel it. My life feels like it's eating away at me. I'm a good secret keeper. I always have been. I keep my own secrets, other peoples secrets, my mind is like a bank of confidential information. But this secret is one I fear I can't keep. I want to. I want to lock it up and keep it stored away forever. But it physically pains me every day. Seeing her in the halls, knowing how she feels, how I feel. It makes me feel like I want to run away, live just her and I alone forever, no fear of judgement. Maybe then I could escape the judgement I am feeling towards myself. I get ready in the mornings, locking eyes with myself in the mirror, wondering how has this happened to me. Why me? I am girly, I'm not into sports, I love shopping and makeup and my room is pink. I cant help but feel that I may be wrong about myself. A phase. Experimenting. I am only a teenager after all. Girls like me don't have feelings like this, do they?

I have kept a journal since I was 12. Sometimes I don't have space in my head for all of the things I know, so I like to split the thoughts between my brain and my journal. I keep them hidden. I have a drawer in my dresser which, when I was younger, I made a secret compartment in with a plank of wood that we were throwing out when we were having our kitchen renovated. It acts as the lining of the drawer, but underneath that are my journals and all of the other things I want to keep hidden. In a family like mine, you have to think tactically, or else it will come back to bite you.

Emily's POV:

"Am I drunk or was that the best food you've ever had?" I ask the girls, my eyes feeling heavy as I smile.

"You're drunk. But so am I, so yes" Hanna replies, taking another sip from her glass.

"Careful, Em, don't you want to slow down?" Spencer asks as I finish off my seventh drink. Or maybe it was my eighth... No, seventh. I've lost count.

"Maybe you want to speed up" I attempt a wink, but I think it comes across as more of a strange blink. 

Surprisingly, I have had such a nice night. Who ever said that drinking your pain away was a bad idea? Because I disagree.

"I'm off to the bathroom" I say as I get up, having to make a conscious effort to put one foot in front of the other.

"Again?!" Aria asks with a laugh

"Again."

I go into the bathroom, my vision fuzzy as I look in the large mirror on the wall, widening my eyes to try and focus on my face, applying lip gloss as I do. I go onto my phone for the first time tonight and see a text from Ben. "Wyd? Wanna come over tonight? "It reads. No, Ben. No I do not. Without giving it much thought, I dial  his number and begin to call him. God, I don't even want to talk to him. But he is my boyfriend after all. I roll my eyes at the thought. It rings, and rings, and rings. Voicemail. Please leave a message after the tone...

"Hi Ben. It's me, Emily... Emily Fields!" I laugh to myself for no reason "I actually don't want to come over tonight. I don't really want to come over anymore. I've been thinking... And drinking..." I laugh again. "I just don't think this is working. Me and you.I think... I think I like someone else. But shhhhh don't tell!" I am slurring my words as I speak, still gazing into the mirror, but now leaning back agains the wall. "But anyway... We'll talk tomorrow."

I smile to myself as I slip my phone into the back pocket of my jeans. I walk back to the table, completely forgetting to go and pee, feeling as if I handled that message really well. We'll see if I still feel that way in the morning.

...

My alarm goes off, my heart sinking immediately. Is it really time to get up already? I scramble around my bed for my phone, each sound of the alarm getting more and more piercing each time. As I sit up, my body feeling weak and my stomach churning, I can already feel how awful I must look, my hair everywhere. I don't remember taking my makeup off last night. I clearly didn't get ready for bed very well as I am only wearing shorts... just shorts. I pick up my phone. It is 7:30 and I have a text from Ben. "I'll pick you up at 8."

I leap out of bed, realising that I must've turned my 6:30 and 7:00 alarms off in my sleep, so I don't have long to make myself presentable. I brush through my knotty hair as quick as I possibly can, the sound of the brush breaking my hair making me wince. I throw it up into a high ponytail, which works because I have swim practice after school. Ugh, right now I cant think of much worse than spinning around in a pool. I throw on a not very thought out outfit, but it'll do. Blue skinny jeans and a white hoodie. I put gold jewellery on and my friendship bracelet, and finish off with a pair of white high top converse. Now for my makeup.

I finish getting ready just as Ben pulls up, not giving myself any time for the nervousness to build up inside of me. I can't believe I drunk dialled him last night. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I haven't even thought of an excuse for what I said. I cant tell him the truth. Can I? No I can't. 

"Bye, Mom!" I shout as I rush towards the door, grabbing my water bottle on the way out and throwing my phone and keys into my bag.

I don't know what to do with myself as I walk up to Ben's car. I give him a small, unreturned smile, my legs now feeling weak with nerves. I've ever dealt with a breakup before!

"Hey" I say, climbing into the passenger seat, avoiding eye contact as I put my bag on the floor in front of me.

"So... Tell me" He starts. "Who is it?"

"Who is it?" I ask. I don't even remember what I said last night.

"I like someone else, but shhh don't tell" He mimics me in a high pitched drunken voice.

"Oh..." Shit. I said that?

"Who is it?" He repeats. His tone is firm and I can feel his eyes pinned to me.

I turn to him "I was drunk, Ben. I don't like anyone else."

"You wouldn't just lie like that" He now begins to drive, so I can relax a little more knowing he isn't staring right at me. 

I decide to brush over the question and get straight to the point. "I do think that this isn't working though"

"Go on"

"I just. I don't know. The spark's not there"

He doesn't say anything, so I continue.

"It used to be, but we're going to be seniors next year, we're becoming different people. You have your friends, I have mine. We don't have time for each other. Thats what it feels like away"

"I can't believe you're saying this. You've been off the past couple of weeks, I know, but we don't even fight. I actually thought we were good!"

"We don't see each other enough to fight. I see you for a couple of hours here and there and that's it"

"I do love you Emily, come on can't we just try" His voice has softened.

"I really do like you. But I need space"

"Space? Well, your friends don't give you space. I'm sure you're not asking the same from them. Is this you choosing them over me again?"

"Come on, It's not like that, Ben. You know it's not"

"It sure feels like it"

We sit in more deafening silence until we pull up at the school. He always drops me at the doors to meet the girls, before driving off to find a parking spot, and today is no different.

"There they are" He scoffs, as he spots Ali, Hanna, Spencer and Aria, who are stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me.

"Please don't take this out on them"

I step out of the car and without even having the chance to walk away, he speeds off as soon as I shut the car door, leaving me stood in the road, my bag in my hand. I shrug at the girls as I walk over, all of their faces shocked after watching that intense interaction.

"Did you two have a fight?" Spencer asks, looking disgusted at how fast Ben left me there.

"Something like that" I respond