You don't know me [phan]

#7 - Envy

~Chapter 7~

Relieved by Chris an I’s talk I calmly stroll around the corner and come to an abrupt halt as I spot Phil. At least I think it’s Phil, his back is turned towards me and even though it’s enough for me to recognise him, I don’t remember PJ being a blonde girl. I feel a painful sting in my chest when I see the flirtatious expression appears on the strange girls face. She’s wearing a light blue cotton dress and shoots Phil the kind of bubbly, joyous smile that I know he’s a sucker for. Even though she’s a stranger to him, she already has more chance on having him that I’ll ever have. And even though I have the privilege of calling him my best friend, it’s still a painful realization.   

“Wait a second Dan, need to tie my shoelaces.” Right, I totally forgot about Chris. How could I have forgotten about Chris?! One of my best friends who just opened up his heart to me and still the tiniest bit of jealousy could so easily wash that memory away. I internally curse my sickly admiration for Phil as I mumble something that sounds like: “Mmmkay” I smile at Chris as he drops down to the ground to tie his shoe and I quietly sneak a bit closer to the girl and Phil where I drop down on a street bench. The bench is crammed between the door to a shop and a large plant, which I use to hide myself from Phil. It probably wouldn’t have mattered whether I pressed myself into the plant like I’m doing right now or if I just climbed in Phil’s mouth to overhear their conversation because Phil seems to be totally caught up in the conversation and he doesn’t notice me eaves dropping.

As I sit down the girl ruffles through her shoulder bag and picks out a small canvas notebook with a lion on the jacket. She sticks it out as she asks Phil to sign it in perfect English with a lovely French accent: “I know you must be annoyed by meeting crazy fan girls all the time but I just really love your videos, could I please get your autograph, Phil?” the moment she says his name she blushes: “If I can call your Phil, I’m sorry.. um Amazing Phil, mister Lester?” I hear Phil laugh and I know what smile goes with this raspy laugh, he must be sticking out his tongue, not being aware of how adorable that makes him look. I cringe as Phil grabs the notebook and starts scribbling on the cover as he tries to talk to the girl. He takes over her nervous mood and stammers: “Of course you can call me Phil, you know, it is my name.. so yeah..’’

If he weren’t obviously flirting with the girl I would laugh at him for this poor attempt of a joke, but right now I’m too jealous to find it amusing. I wish he’d get all flustered and pink when he was around me, I wish I could make him this nervous. But I guess he’ll never have to try to make a good impression because he already is my favourite person in the world.
I stand up and start walking back to Chris as my pathetic train of thoughts get cut off by a surprising question coming from Phil: “What’s your name?”  My blood turns to ice, I knew that he was flirting but he tries to flirt with almost every girl he meets, most of the time pretty successful too. But he never tries to keep in touch, it’s always just playing around, having fun at that moment. It’s a smile here and there, maybe a wink but he never tries to meet them again, hardly ever asks their names.
I pretend to be checking my phone, because I don’t dare to move I’m just awkwardly standing in the middle of the pavement. Then I hear the girl retrieve the ability to talk again: “I’m Estelle, you can call me Stella… I could show you Paris if you’d want me to.”

I can’t help but let out a gruff laugh, now he’ll turn her down. He’s with us for Christ’ sake!
It might be unfriendly of me but I really want her to leave so I can just have a nice cup of coffee with Chris, PJ and Phil and pretend it didn’t happen.
Just as I want to continue walking – confident  knowing that Phil will blow her off soon and he’ll be sort-of-mine again in a couple minutes – I hear him speak up.
“Err… I can’t really do that Stella, because I’m here with some friends and I’m not going to ditch them. But I could call you later tonight or maybe this afternoon after the meet-up at La Defense.” My ice-filled blood vessels all shatter collectively. He’s seriously considering meeting her again?!
I speed up my pace and trot around the corner so fast that I bump into Chris, making me fall down to the ground and hit my head. Chris lets out a high pitched: “Oh my god!” as I grumble a bit and kick him in the shin, as if it was his mistake: “Just leave me to die here.” I mumble dramatically, happy with the distraction. Chris laughs and picks me up and we walk to the Starbucks together.  I pretend like I don’t recognise Phil immediately as Chris greets him while he’s still saying goodbye to Stella. Only thinking her name alone already gives me a bitter taste in my mouth, I sigh. This should be fun.
Phil bites his lip and gives the girl a two year olds half-wave as Chris and I pull him into the Starbucks where PJ is already sitting behind some enormous caramel and whipped-cream filled bucket.  

I flop down on one of the big leather chairs that occupies most on the room in the Starbucks as Phil walks off to get us our drinks. I glare at his back, doesn’t he see how his dorky flirting gets all the girls!? Including me, for crying out loud! Princesses, girls, I really should stop comparing myself to all these feminine creatures, I’m already being called a lesbian.

I stop my mind from disappearing into crazy dimensions by focusing on PJ and Chris’ conversation. They’re talking about whether we should be too early to welcome people or a bit late, so a crowd will already be waiting for us. Now I know how Chris thinks about PJ I can see the little faces he makes when PJ is subconsciously flirtatious and the little unnecessary touches he and PJ share.
It’s kind of cute but also really painful to watch because I know how both of them feel about one  another. Chris loves PJ so much, while PJ only thinks of him as a friend. Even after Chris declared his love for him, PJ is still oblivious of the little act Chris puts on around him.

After a couple of minutes Chris and PJ figure out that it’s probably best to get there a bit later because the fans will be there no matter what, probably hours before the appointed starting time. I let my thoughts wander off as Phil and Chris start giggling over some funny movie and I gasp when PJ suddenly pokes my side. He cocks his head to one side, leans over and whispers: “Nervous much?” it takes me a moment to realize that I’m probably looking incredibly uncomfortable, my shoulders together, jaws clenched and hands balled up to fists. And although it’s not from nervousness, I don’t really feel like sharing the true reason with Peej. I cackle something about a bunch of lovely French girls and my general awkwardness and it luckily doesn’t take long until Chris helps me out by diverting the attention.

I allow myself a second of silently admiring Chris’ acting talent, he seems to be so genuinely happy even though he just told me he is not. Then I realize that maybe he is. Even though he still loves PJ and after all he told me only an hour ago, he is alone in his love-affaire, and PJ will never join him and he has known for quite some time. He probably already made his peace with it. This makes me wonder; would I be happier if I just had told Phil about how I feel?

It only takes me one look at Phil’s cheerful face to make up my mind: no. No, hell no, thousand times no because I would still be miserable, little me. I wouldn’t be handsome, stronger, prettier, funnier nicer, smarter, better or anything. I would only lose my best friend and favourite person. I don’t know why but I just have the feeling that Phil wouldn’t be able to be my friend if I told him. Not because he’s a horrible person, on the contrary, only because he is such a sweet guy. He’d probably get all apologetic because I’m living with him and he’s sometimes kind of flirty around me and he’ll only punish himself for leading me on, even though he obviously didn’t. He never gave me any hope of something more than friendship, it’s my silly brain that made me fall in love with the poor fellow. Which is partly the reason why I’d rather ruin my life than ruin Phil’s. Other part of the reason it that I love Phil more than anything, and I don’t even like myself. So despite what Chris said earlier about putting my happiness before Phil’s, I can’t. If Phil were unhappy, I’d be unhappy too. And I’d much rather be unhappy on my own than to drag Phil down with me, even if it meant for him to be happy with a girl like – ugh – Stella. I’ve been unhappy for what feels like centuries, I can handle some more time. The thought of more depression and loneliness makes my wrists itch, they call for a razor but I try to ignore it. I first have this meet-up to go through, then I have to keep Phil busy all afternoon and evening so he might forget all about that Stella girl… Oh god I’m pathetic. 

___________________________
A/N:
Hiya, please let me know what you think. Your critisism and comments can only make me better. So don't fret, I won't bite; no matter how horrible you find my story. 
Hope you all have a lovely day. xx