Laurmani in College

Fear

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I'm headed to my girlfriend, Lauren's dorm room but I'm nervous I've been trying to get up the courage all day to bring up the topic. I go over and over in my head what I'm going to say.

I get to her room she's on duty tonight. Oh shit I forgot. But right as I'm thinking of what to do she looks up and gives me that look that makes me feel butterflies in my stomach. Here goes nothing.

"Lauren are you aaaa- ashamed to be with me." I say as my voice begins to crack. Damn it I said I was not going to cry. Fuck that's an awesome way to start the conversation. I totally meant to build up to this not just blurt it out. I want to hide. I'm pretty sure the expression on my face is horrified.

She climbs off the bed and rushes towards me near the door. "Baby come here come sit." Lauren is pulling me towards her bed and in this moment I just want to run and hide. How embarrassing. I really don't want to be here anymore. She looks at me with pleading eyes.

I eventually relent. We sit on the edge of her bed. "Normani, look at me." She takes one of her hands off of my hand that's on my lap and brings it up to my face. She lifts my chin, then runs her hand up the side of my cheek stopping to rest she begins to stroke my cheek.

"Normani I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I could never ever be ashamed of you. You light up my world and how many people in the world can say they found that someone who could do that."

I'm staring into her big green eyes as she's staring into mine. Her eyes hold so much emotion. I've always been able to read her like a book but I think that's partly because she lets me she trusts me as I do her. I can only imagine the emotions she's able to pick up from me. I continue to stare into her eyes and they jump from scared to hurt to worried.

I sigh, "I know you love me but are you ashamed of me, I mean you won't tell anyone about us and it's been almost a year now."

"I'm not ashamed but if I'm being completely honest I'm scared Normani. I'm terrified to come out to people to let them know." She pauses and stands up turning her back towards me possibly to gather her thoughts. Then she turns around and says, "I'm afraid of how they will react." She walks back towards me and comes to stand in between my thighs. Lauren cups my face. "You mean so much to me and I don't want to lose you but I'm scared." We stay like this for a while just looking into each other's eyes. I don't know what to say. I just keep searching her eyes for something, hoping that maybe the answer is hidden in them. I come up empty.

I move back more onto the bed. Lauren follows me climbing onto my lap and straddling me. I welcome her.

"Baby if you're scared just talk to me. I didn't know you were scared I just thought you didn't want to be seen with me. Like you always dodge the question any time I bring up telling people. Cause I just want the whole world to know I want to tell everyone that you are mine."

"I want to too but I'm scared to tell my parents I'm gay. What if they disown me? I can't lose them. And you know I'd be screwed I can't pay for college."

"I know I know," I say as I pull her into my arms resting my head on her shoulder giving it a kiss. "Baby I know it's scary but why didn't you share this with me? I would have understood. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready to do yet. But could we maybe instead start with really close friends, like our best friends? Could you handle that?"

She pulls back looking me in the eyes. "I think I can handle that." She chuckles a bit and so do I. We each make plans to go and tell our best friends later. I'm excited.