"Do you ever think about that night, at all?" The therapist asked me for the 3rd time this month. As she looked up from her clipboard. I bite my nails while answering.
Me: "Not since it happened, no. think I'm over it now." I look up at the clock so I don't have to meet her eyes.
She sighs "Amaris, this is pointless if you're gonna continue to lie and ignore the facts. Your sister says you're still having nightmares. Your mom is scared to death at least once a week. That's not over it. Nor is it healthy. Ok, can you at least tell me if you regret what you did?" I roll my eyes while picking at my sleeve
Me: "please if i could go back to that night ..... never mind."
Her: "this is what im talking about, you're so close to opening up and then you shut down. I've seen the police report from that night, I read your statement, we know it was self-defense. So why do you continue like this?" I snapped at her
Me: "like what?! What is it that makes you think I'm still suffering?"
Her: "Amaris, listen to yourself and tell me honestly, what exactly happened that night that gives you nightmares?" i don't look at her
Me: "would you look at that, it looks like time is up. Same time next week?" she looks at the time as i stand up
Her: "No, we have some time left. Sit down, you don't get to run from your problems anymore. You're almost 18, if you don't face this now, you won't ever and it will stay with you to the end of your life." I laugh as I sit down.
Me: "Wow, you make death sound so appealing right now."she writes something down.
Her: "Is that what you really want? To end it all in the blink of an eye? Without regard of who would miss you?"
Me: "Maybe it's easier that way, I wouldn't have to see what I see every time I close my eyes, or who I see when I look in the mirror. It would all just.. Go away. No pain, just gone."
Her: "But that begs the question, what is it that you see when you close your eyes?" while she writes on her clipboard. I form an answer in my head on what to tell her before speaking.
"When I close my eyes I see him, looking down at my body in the room. When I look in the mirror I see someone that let him get away alive that night. I have to live with the fact that he's still breathing. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if hell jump out and I end up back in that room, chained up and at his mercy. But what if I end it all? He cant hurt me if I'm dead." I reply
Her: "But then you're not living, you're giving up. Amaris he can't hurt you anymore. Hes nowhere near you." I roll my eyes
Me: "but that didn't stop him last time did it? This is just what he does, ever since I was 12. He would let me get comfortable, and I would go back to that room. He will always follow me, don't you get it? I never had a life to begin with."
Her: "your death would not solve this. You and I both know that. You were beaten and raped your whole life by him and that night you had enough. What happened?"
Me: "after he. Finished he left. The cuffs were at their breaking point. It didnt take much to find the key to the door, he always assumed I wouldnt be strong enough to get out the cuffs so the key stayed by the door. I found my way into the kitchen. I could hear him on the phone in his office. I ran to grab a knife and started looking for the house phone. I called the cops. 5 minutes. That's all it took. He walked out to find me. I panicked, stabbed him 3 times and ran. The cops showed, and he disappeared. As if he never was there. For months I was there, In the dark. I wished for death. And now I still do, but I want to drag him straight to hell with me. I'm filled with rage and fear. You and I both know that's not a good combination" there was silence in the room. The only thing heard was the sound of her pen.
Her: "how far will that rage take you? How far gone could you get at your breaking point?"
Me: "I want to be the reason he draws his last breath. I want to look him in the eyes and realize I took something from him. I want to see the light go out in his eyes. I want to spill his blood until he has none left." she writes something down
Her: "Amaris? That doesnt sound like rage, honey that sounds like revenge. That's a very dark path. Are you sure you want to go down that road? If you do, there is no turning back"
Me: "Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. If I ever see him again, I will not hesitate to end his life. And that is a promise."
Her: "Are you positive you have what it takes to be a cold blooded killer? This is murder we're talking about here, you cant be that far gone."
Me: "all I'm saying is that if he dies, my nightmares will be done for. There will be no fear left. The problem will be solved. Why cant you see that?"
Her: "this is not how you are supposed to heal. Amaris, I'm here for one reason. To show you how to heal and move on with your life."
Me: "what life? I have no purpose, I'm not going to get better. Something inside me will always be broken, so why am I here trying to fix it? No one can fix me. I'm not fixable."
Her: "I understand that you think that killing him and then yourself is the answer but what about Bella? Huh? You're just gonna leave your sister in this world all by herself?" I sigh
Me: "Let me ask you this, where was Bella when I was taken for the first time? Hum? While i was getting raped at 12 years old, where was she? She was with my mother, Renee never cared for my well being. The only reason I'm here is because the judge said I had to. Renee is and will never be fit to be a mother. The whole time I was missing she told my father I was with a friend. Bella would benefit from my disappearance just like everyone else. I just want him dead before that."
Her: " We keep referring to him as Him, why wont you say his name? If He ruined you so bad, why not put a name to his face?"
Me: "why put a name to our demons. If we burn that bridge, how are you so sure the demons will drown? What if my demons can swim? If you call the devil he shall appear, why would I face him head on when I'm not prepared for war. The war resides in my life."
Her: "because if you dont put a name to your demons it means they still have power over you. He still has power over you. You fight in the shadows and he will win, fight him in the light and well. He won't win."
Me: "He already has. I cant be around the male species without flinching. I jump at unexpected noises, I'm afraid of the dark. I cant even look my father in the face. Breathing is difficult at home. Even Renee's husband s terrifies me. The scars on my body will never go away. He won, I can't win. I never will." her phone alarm goes off. She picks up the phone before turning to me.
Her: "Our time is up, your flight is tomorrow. Look your father knows when our call sessions are, so dont even think of ditching them. I think forks will be good for you. Nothing over there can remind you of him. Your father has removed any mirrors in the house so, at least try to readjust to it. It's going to take some time to get comfortable in school, so know that you can call me anytime you think you need me. I dont care how small you think it is." She stands up as I go to grab my stuff.
Me: "okay well, I'm leaving so lets hope the police find him before I do" she sighs
Her: "You're not killing him, Amaris. You have too much of a good heart. What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness just might be your candle. Try not to light anything on fire, will you she opens the door and I walk out. Amaris, promise me you wont make any more attempts on your life while you're gone?" I turned to her with a fake smile. I cross my fingers
Me: "I promise I won't Attempt to end my life while I'm gone. Now I have to finish packing so I'll call you when I land." She steps forward to hug me only to be met with air as I step back.
Her: "oh, before I forget, Charlie will be checking your room once a week to make sure you're keeping your promise. You are required to get checked by a doctor every month for new wounds." I glare at her and give her a tight smile.
Me: "okay. Anything else?" she thinks for a moment.
Her: "Actually yes. No baths, no swimming, no sharp objects, no drugs, no drinking, and the next session will be 2 hours long, minimum." I walk out and get in my car driving to the house.
And this ladies and gentlemen is the beginning of the end.
YOU ARE READING
pain
Vampireshe trusted one person and it cost her everything After moving to forks with her little sister she meets the Cullen family, that want nothing more than to help her heal. how can they do that if all her walls are up? how long until she takes her life...
