Loving in the Dead of Winter

How Thy Fire Started?

How Thy Fire Started?

“Existing is exhausting,” said they.
I had no idea what’s the real meaning behind that three-word-sentence until I’ve reached this age: seventeen. I used to be a strong young lady: I vividly remember my friend asking me if I’m okay, and I casually responded with, “I always am.” 

“I always am”— also a three-word-sentence but diametrically opposed to the first three-word-sentence that I stated previously.

“I always am”— how I wish I could say that words again when someone comes to check on me.

It all just begin with an ember.

Insecurities: People were telling my friends Infront of me that they are ‘so beautiful’, then they looked at me after, with a painted disgust on their faces. Pointing out my flaws, as if those words will contribute something great. I can’t even dart a single glance to my reflection without getting drowned with those negative words they have imprinted on me. It left some residue.

Insignifcant: There’s nothing more painful than to those people I trust the most, made me feel worthless, unwanted, and invalid.

Pressure: Doing those things, not because ‘I want to’, but because ‘I have to.’ It’s exhausting doing my best, not to ‘succeed’, but to ‘satisfy’ them. I always give everything yet it never seems to be enough. I am not good enough.

Painful words: Too painful that it managed to cut through my bones. Too painful that it makes me question my own existence. Too painful that it killed me— once cheerful, confident, and soft-hearted.

And it ends with a fire.

Seventeen, very young. If you would say— “you’re still young, why are you being so problematic?”, “just enjoy your teenage life. It’s not that hard.”—That won’t fix me.

It’s as if you’re questioning the sun about why it sets, believing that it should always rise. I’ve heard enough of those, and it just added fuel to the fire. The fire continues to spread, and it is now consuming the entire forest within me. Worse, I can’t do anything to put out the fire. Because I was burned by my own fire as well.