Behold, Hope

Chapter 5: Reality

Rovan, Alysa and I began to visit families and continued for the next few days. We returned their loved one's possessions, funds and informed them of the burial ceremony taking place on Sunday morning. Surprisingly, all of them were extremely understanding and were willing to keep my existence a secret until it was formally revealed. I told them that they could tell others if they trusted them or if people were getting upset that they weren't explaining everything. They were grateful. They could finally bury their loved ones. It was a whole 'nother level of closure for them. I also got to eat lunch with Braith and his wife, Yena, and son, Zel. They were both super sweet and grateful that I was able to tolerate Braith's stubbornness. I really hope Braith stops clinging to me. He has an important role in his family.

The day of the burials arrived. Alysa had forced me to buy dresses since, and I quote, "It's about time you get a husband". Of course, I couldn't escape her pleading, so I got three dresses and had no plans to wear any of them. However, I decided this morning I would wear one. It was a black sailor style dress. It wasn't long enough to cover my crutch, but my leg had been feeling much better so I left it at the house. Fortunately for me, it was raining so I had an excuse to continue wearing my cape and cover up my left arm. I let Alysa braid my hair again and pull it back like usual while Rovan delivered the report to Halian's assistant. Then we headed off to the graveyard.

I had insisted that I didn't want to get too involved and stood far from the families with my umbrella, watching as the coffins were finally lowered into the old awaiting graves. I could feel Lycia's sorrow and regret. Of course, I felt bad for them. But I hated that what I was feeling wasn't my own emotions. It was like Lycia was truly in the back of my head. What if I realized sooner that I needed to use ancient magic? I wasn't smart enough to figure out it was the Fallen Servant. I could've saved their lives. I could have. Why didn't you? I hate you, you're so weak. Look at them, they lost their family members because you didn't act quickly enough. You were supposed to protect them. I hate you. I hate you.

Unconsciously, I had started clenching my fists and allowed tears to overflow down my face. Yet, I felt nothing. I watched with no expression on my face. It was like Lycia's emotions had taken over, but I was still in her body and still...felt no connection to these people.

After everyone was buried, they began to make their way to the exit and hug each other goodbye. Many were still sobbing, while others were crying with joy and relief that their son, daughter, wife or husband could finally be buried. I followed far behind and stopped at the last grave. Mine. Lycia de Rosaline. A symbol of hope. The tombstone had clearly been cleaned regularly as there were no weeds nor vines on the stone or surrounding.

The rain began to pour. It was the same song that I heard when I died on that mountainside. I turned to face the stone. My umbrella splashed into the mud behind me as my knees drowned into the mud below my feet. I stared blankly as the rain song continued to play. My heart hurt and my tears fell like the rain. Lycia. I'm sorry. I hate your world and your feelings. However, I know that these people loved and cared for you. At least, the one's I've met. Please don't blame yourself for anything anymore. There was only so much that you could do and you did your best. So please, for my heart's sake and for yours, please let go. You did everything you could. I stayed like this for a while, the mud continued to sink into my dress, boots and socks. I was completely covered in rain and sorrow. I wanted to help you. I never asked to take over your life. God. Why? Why did you make me become Lycia? I don't want to take her place or experience all this good instead of her. I don't belong here. I could feel myself shaking in fear as my grip tightened over my shoulder, nails digging into my skin. I made a mistake. I never should've met Braith and Rovan and Alysa. I'm not Lycia. I don't belong. I want to leave. PLEASE. I've buried these bodies and heard from Rovan that the Mura and Bellachay are better, so why can't I leave? I closed my eye and continued to sit. Lycia's emotions seemed to have calmed down a little and I was no longer feeling the same level of heartache from before. I could hear footsteps coming up behind me and they stopped about a foot away.