it hurts. it really does...
being violated like that by your own best friend. it hurts. not only physically, but mentally. but it's all my fault. i just let it happen. i didn't want to do it. but i deserved it. i mean i hurt innocent people like nerds. i beat them up for money. i trip them. i make fun of them. i mock them. i make them insecure. so i deserved it.
maybe if i said no louder. maybe if i haven't gone to your party. maybe if i didn't argue with my mom to go to that party. maybe if i haven't made you angry. maybe if i just pushed you off. maybe if i did all these things, you wouldn't have raped me.
when i came home, i ran into the bathroom and took a shower for 2 hours. i was trying to scrub that scent of you off me. i was trying to scrub your touch off me. i could still feel your hands touching my crotch. i could still taste your soft lips. i could still hear you manipulating me. i could still see your smirk when you were done.
i can't believe i still hung out with you. you act like nothing happened. when our other friends left us alone, you would smirk at me and walk closer to me. it made me anxious.
when our math teacher changed our seats, you had to sit next to me. i always wanted you to sit next to me before you did what you did to me. we had to be partners. i would stutter whenever you said something to me. i would try not to look at you. i was shaking inside when you would go closer to me. but i never said anything.
i turned quiet whenever you came near me. for example, when i would make fun of the nerds, you would come by and i would stop immediately. i would just stand there silently while you continued to make fun of them with our other friends.
at your own party. you knew what i was going through. with my dad dying and my brother and mom blaming me for it? i told you everything that night. i was drunk. you took advantage of me. you didn't drink, and you usually do. you planned this.
i remember everything like it was yesterday. i laid down on your bed because i was tired and felt a bit woozy from the drinks i had before. you were still in the room. my eyes felt heavy, so i couldn't really see what was going on.
after you were done playing your game, you turned off the lights and locked the door. i didn't think much of it. i thought you just wanted to sleep or just chill around with me. you got on the bed and looked at me for about 2 minutes.
you started touching my upper thigh. i thought it was alright because we were "bros". then, it escalated. i tried to push you off. then, you forced me to turn my body around. you started to unbuckle your pants. i was confused at first but i knew i didn't like this. i was trying to fight you off. but i was drunk. you were sober. you were stronger at that time. i kept trying to scream, but you covered my mouth while you were penetrating me.
"shut up, you're going to do this." "it's okay." "you'll be alright." "you're being selfish." "shut the fuck up." "just calm down dude." "fight more, it's hotter." "stop fucking crying you crybaby." "it's cool, we're bros." "it's all your fault so shut the fuck up." "if you keep talking i'll go harder" "look at the cuts on my arms. don't you want me to feel better?" "don't tell a single soul about this." "if you do i'll make your life a living hell."
that's all you said. what was i saying, or at least trying to say?
"stop." "i'm sorry." "please, bro." "BRO PLEASE." "bro stop." "i'll do anything." "how am i selfish?" "i'm sorry just please stop." "STOP BRO." "i'm so sorry." "get off of me" "please." "i'm sorry." "dude...i'm..sorry." "i don't know what i did" "yes, i want to make you feel better. i'm sorry" "okay, i won't say a thing...just please...let me breath...for a second..."
the last thing i said was "i'm sorry..." the last thing you said was, "get changed in those clothes," when you were leaving the room. you left me there. i was shaking and crying. my body didn't know how to react to this. but i did. i got into the clothes you provided. i got my old clothes and my belongings and got out of there, despite me being drunk.
