•Broken and Beskar• The Mandalorian

Chapter XVIII: How Bad Are The Things You've Done?

Ceilings - Lizzy McAlpine

"Did you think you'd ever come back here?" Mando's voice pierced through the night air. The only light coming from the embers of the left over fire and the nearby moon. The crackling of the embers and the chirping of bugs kept her awake in her position on the barn porch.

"I knew I would, just not so soon." She answered honestly.

Paradise, Nylah thought. Paradise she did not deserve. Paradise that was once achievable but not anymore.

"Can you tell me something?" Her voice hushed.

"What?"

"How bad are the things you've done?"

Mando's head turned toward her slowly. She didn't turn to look back at him. Before he could say anything, she continued.

"Because...because I've done some pretty bad things and I'm not sure I could handle being the worst person in our group," she tried to laugh but it quickly turned to a cry. She shook her head and quickly wiped the tears.

"All these people on this planet, that kid, you...once you find out all the bad shit I've done," her voice grew soft, "you're gonna hate me."

Mando thought for a moment before speaking, "My mother used to say, 'It's not about the bad you've done, but the good you plan on doing to make up for it.'"

"That's really fucking beautiful actually." Nylah chuckled.

"Nylah," Mando started. He rested his hand over hers. The only thing separating them was his glove.

"I think you're tired. I think we've been through a lot recently and you're tired so you're overthinking things. You should probably sleep."

She nodded and, to save herself from further embarrassment, she stood and walked into the barn, leaving Mando by himself on the porch.

Falling asleep wasn't hard, it was staying asleep that was the problem.

The images appeared before her like sand building to objects. In front of her stood the Mandalorian with his silver Beskar armor. He was only a foot away from her. Too close, Nylah thought. He would never stand that close on purpose. The green trees of Raydonia were all around them. Nylah couldn't misplace them if she tried.

"You are so beautiful," he told her.

She shook her head, "I'm really not. Not when I have such an ugly past."

He stepped closer. Impossibly close. Nylah's breath caught in her throat.

"I think you're beautiful."

Nylah shook her head, "You don't mean that."

The tip of Mando's gloved finger ran along her cheek bone and gently traveled to her jaw. Her skin tingled under his touch.

"Nylah."

"Don't do this," Nylah begged him. She stared up into his dark visor, hoping to see a glimpse of his eyes but only seeing her own.

"Do what?"

"Don't play with me. Don't play with my emotions. Because...because-"

"Because why?"

"Because ever since we've been on this crazy adventure together something inside me aches for you. I need to be close to you. I need to hear your voice. I need you to call my jokes stupid but laugh so quietly you think I can't hear, but I do hear you! I want to hear that laugh every day of my life. I know you are what I need," she paused, as if her next sentence was going to break her. Maybe it was.

"And I know I can never have you." His hand cupped her cheek. She leaned into his touch.

"Close your eyes," his deep voice whispered.

She did as she was told and a moment later she felt the softest lips she ever had the pleasure of feeling. There was a slight brush then the pressure of a kiss. She was breathing in but no matter how much, there never seemed to be enough air.

Her eyes stayed closed as she moved her mouth against his. He pushed into her, deepening the kiss as his tongue ran across her bottom lip. A slight hum escaped her, but before she could comply, he pulled away. Her eyes opened slowly but there was no one there. Her head turned, searching for the Mandalorian. He disappeared. He left. She was once again alone.

Nylah's eyes opened but she made no effort to move. She stayed frozen in place, as if her mind woke up before her body. It wasn't real, she told herself. She brought her hand to her face and traced the curve of her lips with her fingertip. It was like she could feel static. Like she could still feel it on her lips. Feel him.

Tears brimmed her eyes. It wasn't real. The passion, the love. Soft touches, heated kisses. None of it was real.

She stood from her sleeping space and left the barn, almost collapsing in a heap of sobs when she got to the forest. She walked, tears escaping down her red cheeks. She cursed herself. Crying over a dream was ridiculous. But she felt it. She could feel his hand against her face, his lips against her own. She could feel his love absorbing into her skin but it wasn't real and it was like getting her heart ripped from her chest.

They left in the early morning, not bothering to stay for pleasantries or another round of heartfelt goodbyes. They were back at the ship and taking off before midday.

Mando and Cara chatted about various things. Blasters mostly. Mando looked over to see Nylah staring at the wall, her fingers rubbing softly over her lips. She seemed deep in thought. He wondered what she was thinking about.