Pulling into the driveway, my phone held in between the crook of my neck, I turned off the ignition and listened to the voice on the other end. “Haven, I really don’t think this is a good idea, I know the way you think and I know for certain what’s going through your mind is not a good idea.”
Holding in a sigh, I reached up to play with the fuzzy dice hanging down from the rearview mirror. Arya did this a lot. I was used to it but it still irked me, she absolutely hated it when I skipped my therapist appointment. She certainly had no problems being verbal about it. ”Your parents could find out some day you know. I could tell them you know.” I didn’t even bother replying, in the 16 years I’d known her, I knew she was all talk- and no action.
“Arya.” I started to speak kindly.
I noticed my hand clenching around the stirring wheel and loosened my grip when the faded scars on my wrist became noticeable.
”I’ve been going for the past few months, I’m fine now. Have you not noticed? I’m eating, I’m smiling, I’m happy and I’m okay. You didn’t have to keep paying the appointments either, I’m as fine as the sun is bright.” I smiled broadly for extra measure even though she couldn’t see me.
I could hear her snort through the phone, but I also knew through experience that she was close to letting up, thankfully. I knew if I could see her now she’s be nibbling on her bottom lip, brows furrowed close together, thoughtfully.
“Sorry.. You’re right, I’m glad you’re getting better, you know I am.”
I let out a small chuckle, which she didn’t hear and replied, “I am and it’s thanks to your help.” I swallowed, my palms heating up at the blatant to me, lie.
‘Better to lie.’ I thought without really paying attention to what she said afterward.
Moments later I shoved my phone in my bag jumping out of my car and onto the dewy, green lawn. “Mom? Dad?” I called out, unlocking the door and walking into the living room. I spotted a yellow post it stuck to the tv and pulled it off, my face losing it’s color immediately.
So Eliza was back in town. Lovely.
Of course mom had to go and spend some time with perfect, perfect Eliza. I crumpled the note and dropped it to the ground and with a last glance around the empty room, I swiveled around and walked up to my room.
——————-
The mirror in my room was situated in front of my bed where I currently sat cross-legged and attempting to study my spanish verbs, making no progress so far.
I closed the workbook with a frustrated sigh. “Hopeless, “I muttered aloud, leaning back against my pillows. I thought about college, something that worried me daily. How would I make it into college if I couldn’t pass stupid Spanish? College boards only accepted the best of the best, and I wasn’t that. Not even close.
My fingers wandered towards my wrist, hysteria about to erupt inside, like a geyser close to exploding. I’d taken Spanish for five years now and I still couldn’t understand anything. I felt like I was drowning. Last weeks test lay at the foot of the bed, the bright red D seeming to taunt me. I felt my eyes water and I blinked rapidly, blowing out a soft breath.
I could resist, I couldn’t do this to myself. I am capable, I am strong.
I repeated those words over and over to myself until my heartbeat slowed down and the adrenaline slowly drained out of me. I brushed away a bead of blood from where my nails had dug into my forearm.
Below, I could hear my mother coming home and into the kitchen to start dinner, the dishes clanging around as she got busy.
It had been a close call. Too close.
