"She's dead!"

Chapter Eight: But... No. No! NO!

"NO!" I yelled, "You can't make me." 

"Tahlia, you're acting like a child! Why won't you just take the fucking test?" he cried .

"Why do I need to take a pregnancy test if I know that I am not pregnant?" I snapped.

Callum did not say another word, he just upped and left.

"Go fuck yourself Callum!" I screeched as he slammed the door.

I had been throwing up everyday for the whole week since the night Callum had dinner at my parents' house, yet I had refused profoundly to go anywhere near a pregnancy test.  I had convinced myself that there was no way I could be pregnant. Pregnancy was the one thing that I didn't want to happen, even if the baby's dad was the love of my life. I wasn't planning on becoming a parent until my thirties, if ever. I had not a single ounce of maternal instinct in my body.

It was a Friday, and vomiting or not - I still had to go and earn some money. I prepared to leave for the coffee shop, when I noticed that Callum had  left the keys to his car for me. I couldn't help but grin at his thoughtfulness and realised how unfair I had been towards him. I had to take the pregnancy test. Callum had the right to know if he was going to be a father.

I had thrown out all of the tests that Callum had bought me during the week, so I went to the pharmacy to get one. I  was in and out of the pharmacy in 5 minutes, although I ended up purchasing 6 of those fancy tests that tell you if you're pregnant and how far gone you are.

I got home, with the intent to take the pregnancy test immediately. Of course it didn't work that way, of course I could not force a single drop of urine to leave my body. It was like the universe didn't want me to know if I was pregnant. The universe didn't want me to pass the test, or fail it. The universe wanted the test to be graded with a question mark. I knew what I wanted though, I wanted to fail. In fact, it was the only test I had ever wanted to fail.

Of course I passed the test.

So I took another, and passed that one too. So I took four more. The positive cross repeatedly tormented me like that annoying ass neighbour who always seems a little too happy to pop up when you wish he'd just fuck off. That morning I took all 6 of the pregnancy tests I had bought and I passed each one with flying colours.

I glared at the positive cross on my 6th pregnancy test."But... No. No! NO!" I looked up and gazed at my reflection in the mirror. I felt sick, and it wasn't just the morning sickness. Every bone within my body rattled with fear, my heart was beating so hard that I swear it felt like it was trying to leave my chest. I hated the sight of myself, in the mirror. I hated myself because I was going to give birth to a child that would be forced to suffer under the care of a nightmare like myself. I couldn't contain it any more, I didn't know what I was feeling, but it was something. I raised my fist and forced it into the glass mirror, shattering my reflection instantaneously. My body was so overcome with anxiety that I didn't even feel the glass tearing the skin off my knuckles.

In a haste, I scampered across the hallway from the bathroom into the living room. I picked up Callum's house phone and dialled the very first number I could think of - my sister's. After a few rings, Joel answered the phone, "Hello." he said.

I couldn't breathe. My hands were shaking. My legs were numb. All I wanted to do was talk to India, my sister, my best friend - and HE answered the phone. "Put India on the phone!" I demanded.

Joel replied, "Can I ask who this is?"

"It's her sister," I bellowed monotonously.

Joel's tone of voice softened, "Calm down Tahli, there's no need to shout."

"I'm not shouting, but if you want me to shout - I WILL FUCKING SHOUT! Why? Why did this have to happen to me?" I squealed in anger.

I was putting on a front, trying to scare Joel into putting India on the phone, but he knew me too well to hear me shout in such a manner and not ask a single question.

"Tahlia, calm down and tell me what's wrong."

"There is nothing wrong Joel, nothing at all," I replied. My voice cracked as I struggled to hold in my tears.

"Tahlia, I know you too well to believe that there is nothing wrong. I mentored you for 4 years, remember?" Joel said with compassion.

I was giving Joel an extremely hard time. He wasn't the reason I was pregnant, he wasn't to blame. He was offering me a shoulder to cry on, so I told him:

"I'm broke. I love singing, I really do, but I don't earn enough money. I'm just about able to pay the rent on my flat - which I'm rarely ever at these days. I don't know what to do," I wept. Joel attempted to interrupt, but I had so much more to say, "My boyfriend hates me right now. He hates me. I love him so much and I really want him to love me the way I love him - but I don't think he does." I was hysterical by this point, my eyes were red and stinging. Once again, Joel tried to interject, but I wouldn't let him. "What am I going to do J? I'm a huge mess. I'm a big pile of dog mess on the pavement! Callum will probably dump me soon and then what? What will I do?"
I finally took a breath long enough for Joel to interrupt my ramble and console me, "woah, slow down. Callum loves you Thalia. Besides, you are one of the strongest and most independent girls I know, you don't need him!" I'll give you some money Thalia and I'm sure India will be just as happy to as well."
"You really don't need to do that," I whimpered while using my sleeves to dry up my tears. I knew what Joel would say, but I wanted him to say it. "Thalia, I love you."

Honestly, it was so satisfying to hear those words from Joel. Yes, Joel was my mentor and is my sister's husband - but he is also one of my closest friends and my ex boyfriend. Joel is 2 years older than me, he mentored me for a large portion of my years in secondary school, until he left. We lost contact for two years after he left. Until, I saw him on a night out and realised that we were at the same university. Sure, he was in third year and I was in first year, but that didn't matter to us. We became a couple and our relation lasted for a year, until we realised that we were meant to be friends. We'd always talk about what we wanted to do at our wedding and names we wanted to give our children way, way in the future. God, I was happy. I loved thought of spending the rest of my life with my closest friend. Hearing him say "I love you", just reminded me of when I was happy with him, and I wasn't falling in love with him again or anything, but I found warmth and comfort in his words.

"I love you too J," I replied. Then there was an awkward silence over the phone. During this silence, I could feel myself welling up again. It's like Joel could feel the tears as well, because just at the exact moment when I was about to burst into tears, Joel asked me a question. "So what else is wrong?"
I answered hastily, "I'm going to be useless, they're going to hate me."
"What? Who will hate you? You're not making sense." said Joel, puzzled.

I gripped the phone tightly in my hands and slid my back down the wall until I collapsed onto the floor. "I'm pregnant Joel, 3 weeks," I sobbed and immediately dropped the call.