Renewed by Love

You're on your own Kid

Sometimes I feel like I am a caterpillar on a journey to become a butterfly. When I was ready to break out of my cocoon, my wings were held back.

As I struggled to free myself from the cocoon, I realised that the struggle was necessary for me to become strong and ready to face the world. The process of transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly was not easy, but I was determined to push through and emerge as a beautiful and powerful creature.

The nurse placed a small little human on my chest as tears left my eyes and my tired arms found themselves grabbing a secure yet gentle hold on this little human I had just given a life to. Suddenly it was no longer just me and providing for myself only, it was me and this little person and I had to guide my baby through life and provide for her.

As I looked down at my newborn, I realised that just like a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, I too had undergone a transformation. Becoming a mother had changed me in ways I never thought possible. I was no longer just living for myself, but for this tiny, precious life that was now in my care.

"It's a little girl."

The doctor announced. I gave a tired smile as the nurse took the baby from me to clean her and make sure she was healthy. As I was moved to another room, I started to think how quickly things have changed within the last nine months and how I have changed during that time.

...

Responsible.

Carefree.

Ambitious.

Those were the three words people used to describe me.

Traditional.

Sanskaari.

Hardworking.

Those were an extra set of three words used to describe me by various people.

Shameful.

Disgrace.

Disappointment.

Those were the three new words to describe me when people found out I was pregnant. The words to describe me would have been different if I was married, pregnant with a better-paying job, a family circle to support me and the father being there for me and the baby and a roof over my head. But no. I was 17 nearly 18, unmarried and having a baby out of wedlock with the father being out of the picture and no family to call my own whilst working long hours at a local bakery for peanuts and I was kicked out of the orphanage.

The people who I thought were once my friends immediately turned their backs to me once they heard about my pregnancy.

The place I had no choice but to call my home for the last 5 years of my life was no longer my home. I was kicked out by the warden once she found out I was pregnant as I was a bad influence and would encourage the other teenage girls to get knocked up.

I remember the day I got kicked out, I was on the streets cold and had nothing with me. I managed to get a place in a homeless shelter for a month but I left because the situation there was scary. I then managed to get a place in a women's shelter for a while. When I was at the homeless shelter, I found myself with two options for the baby - abortion or adoption. I knew I couldn't keep the baby, I was only 17 and I could barely support myself let alone a baby who comes with numerous expenses and responsibility. I remembered spending hours on a bridge, wondering when to jump off and end everything because the stress and anxiety of what to do, the what ifs, my situation was too much on me.

I booked an appointment for myself at a clinic so I could gain better advice on what was the best option. But when I went to that clinic, when they laid me on the bed, when the nurse put the jelly on my stomach and then told me to look at the screen, I had a change of heart.

That heartbeat I heard - I couldn't stop that heartbeat.

That blob I saw on that screen - I wanted to see that blob grown into a baby.

Not even the thought of putting the baby up for adoption after giving birth even occurred to my mind at that moment.

So when the nurse asked me what I wanted to do, I said I was going to keep my baby.

My decision led to various attempts to hide my pregnancy such as wearing oversized clothes so people wouldn't notice. I couldn't stay hidden though because I had to work for my baby. When coming to the realisation that my bakery job was not enough to support the baby, I started taking up thousands of little odd jobs around the town to earn more money from cleaning cars to being a chaiwalla to waitressing at restaurants, I was exhausted but in the end, I did not want my baby to start off their life in a shelter.

When people found out I was pregnant simply because I could not hide my growing baby bump anymore, I was judged harshly, no one would support me. My boss at the bakery who was once kind to me was now horrible so after being treated horribly by him, I threw my resignation paper at his face and took up one extra job as a cashier at a supermarket. Eventually before the due date came, I managed to rent a small one bedroom apartment for me and my baby with the help of a kind landlord who was willing to overlook my lack of credit history.. It wasn't the best but I managed. I managed all on my own.

As the due date approached, the reality of being a single mother hit me hard. I had no one to turn to for support, no one to share the responsibility with. But I was determined to do whatever it takes to provide a good life for my baby.

...

Within a few days I got discharged from the hospital with my healthy baby girl. As I held her securely in my arms and walked up to our apartment, I felt a mix of emotions - joy, fear, and a sense of overwhelming responsibility. I had never felt so protective and vulnerable at the same time. As I entered our small apartment, I looked around and realised how much I needed to do to make it a comfortable home for my daughter and me.

I placed my daughter in the crib I had bought, and she let out a little sigh. I sat beside her, watching her sleep, and suddenly, everything seemed worth it. The struggle, the judgement, and the hardship were all worth it because I had this little bundle of joy in my arms.

But I knew that the hard work was just beginning. I had to figure out how to balance work and taking care of my daughter, how to provide for her, and how to give her a good life. It wasn't going to be easy, but I was determined to do it. As I gazed into her tiny face, I saw the potential for greatness, just as I had seen it in myself when I was a caterpillar. And just as I had emerged from my cocoon stronger and more beautiful, I knew that my daughter and I would emerge from this experience stronger and more resilient than ever before.

"I love you Amira."

I whispered softly as she slept soundly.

I decided to call my baby Amira because for me, the name Amira was a symbol of hope and new beginnings. Just like a butterfly emerges from its cocoon and starts a new life, I felt that my daughter represented a new chapter in my life. In Arabic, her name means princess and it gave me a sense of strength and empowerment, reminding me that I was capable of raising my daughter on my own and providing her with all the love and care she deserved. I saw my daughter as a ray of hope in her life, just like the moonlight that shines bright in the dark night sky, illuminating the way forward. The name Amira was the perfect fit for this little girl, and I knew that it would inspire her to live a life full of hope, courage, and determination. 

Yes guys I am back and I hope the Rikara community is active as it was quiet when I was off wattpad.