shitposting <3

Feeling dramatic, might delete later🤪🤪

I know I am better off alone, I shouldn't crave affection from someone who was in my life 4 years ago but I do and, had ignoring how you are truly feelings has never done anyone any good.

I have tried and tried with all my will to not miss him, to not think of him, to not want him. But I do and I finally want to accept him.

But you know what's wierd than missing someone from 4 years ago? Missing them and not wanting them at the same time. The parallel of loving him because you do but hating him for what he did to you, the parallel of wanting to hold them in your arms and want to make them suffer by not showing them affection, the parallel of being present in their life, no matter how, but at the same time wanting to be absent in their life , no matter what. The parallel of "missing them by your heart but not wanting them by your brain.

But today, I want to talk about it, I want to talk about of how much I miss him. And no; I do not miss him the way most people do.

I want to have his presence but do mot want to make my presence known. I want to say I love him but do not want him to hear it. I want to talk to him but do not want him to hear me. I want to touch him but do mo want him to feel it, I want to send him flowers but do not want him to recieve it.
I want to love him, but I am too far hurt for him to feel it.

So I really don't know what I want but I know I want hold him for the last time.

I want to hold him close to me and hug him till our bodies feel numb and melt into each other. I want to take in his smell. I want to play with his hair . I want to feel his heartbeat. I want to wrap one arm around his body and one hand in his hair. I want to sit on his lap, not in a sexual way, just so I can feel close to him. I want his head in the crook of my neck and we just sit there and breathe. I want to feel his breath against my skin. I take savour the moment and feel it to its fullest. I want to hug like our body is meant to hug only each other. I want to hug him like we are the last people on this earth and no one else exists. I want to hug him like hugging him will erase the past and heal me.

And then I want to walk away and want him to forget that it ever happened.