"Bye Chase" I said as I got out of his car and headed toward my front door. He stayed in the exact same place until I got threw my front door like a gentleman. I waved then opened the door to my house; the house was silent but not the normal silence. As I walked up the stairs I heard talking threw the crack in the door. "How are we going to tell Emily" I heard that my mom say in her quite voice. I opened the door calmly and said "tell me what?" My mom face was in tears her face all red and puffy, now I know something is wrong really wrong. She sat silent for a while then she looked at me, her eyes are full of sorrow. I sat there for years than she finally answered "Katie". That word made me think what happened I just saw her at school... wait Steven drove her home. "What happened" I about yelled. She looked at me and answered, "They were getting on the highway and Steven was trying to goof off and they got into a wreck. Steven is at the hospital with broken bones but Katie..."That's all I needed to know I walked out of the room and into mine. I locked my door and didn't leave. As I sat on my bed all I could do was cry. When my eyes finally cleared all I could see was Katie's face. She was almost in all of the pictures in my room, and she was the only person I kept birthday cards from. I can't just throw it all away, I can't just try to get her out of my life that can't just happen. As I lay down on my bed all I did was sink into a black hole and I couldn't get out.
I didn't leave my room for the next week, saw my mom every once and a while, she dropped of food, and stopped to make sure I was okay. Tonight is her visitation and that was the only reason I got up to take a shower. We drove to the funeral home, as we parked I broke down "I'm not I...I can't go in there." I could barely speak over me trying to breath. My mom sighed and answered "okay well we'll be out soon we just have to go in and check up with her parents." I sat in the car for about ten minutes then a voice came into my head. "Please go in there and check in on my mom and dad, please I know it won't be easy but please." It was Katie's voice and that was her last wish to me.I wiped off my eyes and made the walk to her parents.
As I walked towards them I got stares and whispers I knew I shouldn't have come in. I couldn't leave now I am like a dog in a cage. As I approached her parents, her mom turned towards me and opened her arms. "Emily" she said in her normal tone, "I know it would mean a lot to Katie that you are here."All I could do was nod my head. As I looked over her shoulder I saw Katie she looked pretty but I was distracted by all the cuts and bruises she took from the accident. As I started to walk away from the casket the room fell silent. "What..."I said as I looked up and Steven walked through the door. Steven walked to the casket and broke down. I could hear him threw the cry's, "I'm so sorry I'm the worst person ever". Now that black hole was coming back and I this time I knew I wasn't coming out.
Everything kept going downhill the next week my grandpa died on the day I about ran away because my mom wanted me to go to counseling. "Why is my life this screwed up" I thought to myself. I was on the verge of suicide, I'm depressed and I can't seem to find a way out of this black hole. My mom tried to get me to go to counseling again but I refuse to. I don't want some freaky person asking me how I feel. I know she wants me to feel better but I can't make myself look vulnerable to a creep. My mom said the least I could do was keep a diary so that I could get my feeling out and no one else will know. So I'll give it a try
Oct. 15, 2012
Dear Diary,
Today I had another attempt at suicide I tried to suffocate myself with my pillow (stupid I know).I guess you can tell it didn't work. I have to ask just a single person why is my life like this, why is it that everyone I love dies. Why why why is all I want to know. I refuse to talk to everyone (even Chase) I don't answer text, or go on Facebook. The only time I left the house this week was for my grandpa's funeral. My mom said she wants me to go back to school tomorrow but I don't want to. I'll just be made fun of, and I know that's the truth.
That's all for today,
Emily
I don't want to go back to school tomorrow maybe even not at all. I don't want to go back for the rest of my life. As I went to sleep I thought of Chase for the first time since Katie died. I want to see him again and soon. As I woke up I was feeling a lot better and I HAD to go back to school today. "Just go" I thought to myself "you'll get to see Chase". I got dressed in my favorite jeans and my MCR shirt. As I was walking out of my front door I see Chase's car coming down the street, now my day just got a lot better.
As he pulled up he looked shocked like someone just got shot. "What" I said as I walked towards the car smiling. "Nothing" he answered "It's just your mom said that you would only come back to school when pigs fly." There was a moment of silence then I thought it was time to respond "well things change". As I got into there was a difference then the last day I rode it, even the car seemed to be depressed. After a few moments he broke the silence "soooo...how are you" he asked in a hesitant voice. "Ummm okay I guess", I didn't know how to respond. The car suddenly slowed down and he pulled the car to the side.
"I need to know the truth Emily, please tell me the truth." As I sat there I thought how am I supposed to tell him that I am a depressed psycho that tried to kill herself more than once. "Do you really want the truth" I asked in a scared voice. "If it wouldn't bother you yes" he responded in a clam voice. I took a deep breath and responded "The truth...the truth is I'm depressed, and my mom is trying to get me to go to counseling, and I attempted suicide more than once. I know it's not good but you weren't there for me Chase." I know he didn't like that answer, "I know you Emily if you don't come to me you don't need me, and if I came to you, you would blow up. I know this is a hard time for you but you know day or night any day of the week I'm there for you Emily and I know you know that." There was a moment of silence then he said "I think we should get going we don't need to be late on your first day back from school". He put the car in in drive and we headed towards school.
As we pulled into school I was ready to get out of the car and run back home. Chase put his hand on mine and said "it's okay I'll be there for you all day." From the car to my locker to my class I got stares. My councilor stopped me and asked "how are you doing?" I just kept walking and mumbled "you don't need to know". I went to my normal seat in the back of the class and Chase joined me. As we sat there we didn't speak I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I could not stand the stares anymore so I asked Mrs. Smith if I could go to the restroom. She responded in a calm voice (something I had never heard from her) "Sure sweetie whatever you need." I don't want people especially teachers being nice to me just because of what happened.
As I walked into the bathroom I heard "Hey Emily". I looked over and there stood a girl with black hair and dark make-up. "Hey Kayla" I responded even though I did not want to talk to this girl. "Soo...Emily I heard you have had some major problems soo." "No Kayla" I interrupted "I don't want any of your weed". "No no no" she said, "I have something stronger that can get you to a place much happier and farther away". "What" I said annoyed. She responded in a calm voice "A little drug I like to call heroin." "I don't know" I responded right now I can't think. "Okay" she said "at the end of the day I will give you a little and you can try it okay". I did not want to be rude so I said "Sure".
